Dealing in Subterfuges

Project Runway All Stars: A Lotta Gelato

2012-01-27T07:11:00.002Z

Blueberry April
Halloween Spider Thingy
Chin up; you’re still young.

Good morning, popadoms. How are you all doing? Did anyone else wake up this morning going “HOLY SHIT, WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!!!” whilst their cat screamed the same thing in Siamese meows because you’d left the phone on something strange, and the vibrating sound came across like a World War II air raid happening inches from your head?

No? Well, that’s lucky, then.

Anyway. I was completely crushed by the fact that none of you found the Miss Piggy challenge as utterly charmant as I did (no I wasn’t), and I fully expect to be distrait again this week when you all tell me how banal you found the gelato dress challenge (I won’t).

But I rather liked it. For one thing, I think it was a fun little way to underline the weird places we find inspiration. I actually feel like some of them could’ve done more with that – playing with the idea or the flavor of their gelato rather than just adhering so literally to the color. I realize Kara tried with her dress, and Austin said some things about going “resort” or “tribal” with his Madagascar vanilla, but it translated as more “Grecian goddess dress” than it did Madagascar anything.

And for another… it reminded me of my plan from last year to try and make my beloved croccante all’amarena gelato that I had in Naples and was going to try and replicate. Look at that. I’d totally wear that, wouldn’t you?

I’m ok with the ouster – I liked April a lot during her season, and thought she made huge strides in her time there from that diaper thing to the sophisticated dresses she did later on. But she’s been kind of a nonentity in this season. And I mean honestly, the girl’s 22. She’s got decades left to set the world on fire. It doesn’t all have to happen at once.

The win…I am not so much ok with. I think it was kind of bullshit, actually, to reward that milquetoast dressing gown Michael made, and bypass Mondo’s terrifically chic caftan and Mila’s kicky little dress. But we’ll get to that eventually.

We open at Flatotel where it seems to be the next morning, and everyone is congratulating Michael on his win. He says that this mean’s the pressure’s on him to deliver “something like, amazing? Again?” There are many things I find vaguely endearing about Michael. His tendency to upspeak? Like a thirteen year old girl? Is not one of them.

Cut to…Parsons. UnHeidi meanders out onto the runway and points out that they’re 4 challenges in and have 10 designers remaining. Good for you, UnHeidi. You just showed America that you’re every bit as good at basic math as Actual Ferreals Heidi is. She adds that this challenge is all about taste…in a very literal sense – they have to create an outfit inspired by a gelato flavor. A L’Arte del Gelato cart is there, manned by a kid Jerell refers to as “a gelato slingin’ cherub” (the more he says, the more I want to hang out with him), and they’ll each pick a flavor and get a color swatch to match it.

Michael gets to go first as last week’s winner, and he picks grapefruit. He was hoping for a ruby red, but ended up with a pale pink. He picks Mondo to go next, and Mondo selects canteloupe and gets a bright, vibrant orange. Mondo tags Mila to go third, and she picks milk and sour cherries, which is white with red spots and makes me yearn for the croccante all’amarena gelato at Fantasia Gelati in Naples. Next up is April, who lands a deep purpley blue with her selection of blueberry. Jerell boldly selects fruit of forrest and is rewarded with deep red. Kenley gets passion fruit and… I miss what color it is. Austin takes vanilla Madagascar, which, naturally, is white. Anthony selects green tea and gets minty green. Rami also gets green with his selection of kiwi, and Kara is stuck with chocolate with cayenne pepper, and its accompanying brown – the only reason anyone would ever complain about being “stuck” with chocolate and cayenne.

I’m a little disappointed that these are all fairly fruity, sorbet-esque flavors, and not more traditional gelato flavors. I’d love to have seen one of them have to design based on stracciatella, or gianduja.

UnHeidi then introduces their guest judge for the week, Diane von Furstenberg. She enters on her fabulous sexagenarian legs, wearing an awesome dress that swings like a cape, and greets the designers, and tells them they’ll only have 6 hours for the challenge. It’s the fastest challenge in Project Runway HISTORY!! She tells them “just go for it! And good luck.”

UnHeidi tells them she’ll see them on the runway in 6 hours time, and shunts them off to their workspace for 30 minutes of sketching. Michael is doing an “oversized silky draped dress with ruched sleeves.” Kenley is not going to try anything new or take major risks.

They have 30 minutes to shop at “mini Mood” which has been set up in their lounge. April has to replan quickly because Mini Mood has no black jersey. Kara is making her dress about the spiciness of the flavor rather than the color of the chocolate. Mondo doesn’t manage his time well, and doesn’t buy as much fabric as he’d like.

Five hours left. Everyone is stressing, but Michael is apparently almost done, because he has clients who sometimes need things in 45 minutes. Jerell calls Michael’s dress “a six way stretch choir robe with two seams…so easy a chimpanZEE could do it.”

Austin is going with a beachy/tribal look for his Madagascar vanilla. Kara is focusing on her color palate. April has Willy Wonka in her head, and the scene where Violet turns into a giant blueberry. Everyone is giggling and going slightly bonkers from the stress. Mila is doing something entirely without black.

And then…Michael comes up with his fabric 8 and a half inches shorter on one side because of a measuring error. Kara is having a “Make it Work” moment and sewing as though this is the last thing she’ll sew in her life. Anthony wishes he had a cocktail right now. Austin doesn’t know how they’re going to pull it off. “I hate this” he mutters in caption. Commercial.

Back. The designers are still sewing frantically, and Joanna Coles enters for her Joanna thru. She’s brought them all their gelato flavors as a snack to keep their energy up. She asks April how she can have a fashion moment if she’s staying in her comfort zone. Next, she wonders how Mondo is going to accessorize his cantaloupe dress, and they run through some options. She also wonders if Rami is “sucking up to Diane Von Furstenberg” by making a wrap skirt. She asks Michael what his secret is to working so fast, and seems skeptical when he says nothing is glued. Then she exits.

The models enter for their fitting. Austin is gluing his dress with a glue gun, and he’s ashamed to admit it. Mila doesn’t get “Passion Fruit” from Kenley’s dress, and thinks Rami’s is of questionable taste and looks like a lime explosion. Anthony thinks Mondo’s is a caftan that he could’ve designed in college. April needs to add triangle panels, and is running out of fabric.

The models take off with three hours and ten minutes remaining. Anthony has changed his design to “a more flirty, fuller, moving skirt.” Mila worries about her fabric being so sheer that you can see “all the parts.” Austin resists getting into an altercation with Kara over a sewing machine, but does give her “the look of death.” Commercial.

Back. Two hours and change remaining. Everyone’s frantic. The models come back in for another fitting. Jerell thinks Mondo’s dress “really embodies the feel of cantaloupe.” They do some accessorizing at the Neiman Marcus accessory wall. One hour. The models get shipped off to product placement land with the hair and makeup team.

Twenty nine minutes and change. April is nervous about how short her dress is. Kara’s proportions are off, and Jerell says she’s turned her skinny model into “a pregnant cupcake.” Austin sews his model into the dress because there’s no time to do a zipper. The hem of April’s dress isn’t symmetrical. Time! Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi wiggles out onto the runway and welcomes them back. She introduces the judges – Mrs. Weinstein, Isaac Mizrahi, Diane Von Furstenberg, and Miranda Kerr. Miranda will be wearing the winning designer’s look to an industry event.

Show. We open with Mondo’s cantaloupe caftan, which I adore. It’s just striking and crazy and beautiful. Next up is Anthony’s Green Tea party confection in two shades of green. Kenley’s Passion Fruit is cute – I’d totally wear it – but it’s not at all extraordinary. It’s clothes, not fashion.

Rami’s kiwi dress is shiny and cheap looking. The top is a straight mess that looks held together with tape. Mila’s sour cherry is another one I love, a drapey mini shirt dress. Jerell’s fruits of the forest (right) is zany fun. It could be worn by a celebrity on holiday or a courtesan in Game of Thrones (I realize I’ve been consistently alone when I’ve liked Jerell’s insane dresses so far, but I’m ok with that).

Kara’s dress is tiered colors…I like the concept, but the waist is too short. She looks like one of the puff ball toys my cat plays with. Michael has made a grapefruit pink satin dressing gown. It is very Norma Desmond, and kind of a yawn. April’s blueberry dress is a short, very ordinary party dress. The hem is short in front, but soooooo short in back that it’s nearly showing her model’s biiiiiidness. Austin’s Madagascar vanilla is a cute but not extraordinary Grecian thing in off white.

UnHeidi calls Austin, Rami, Jerell, and Kenley. They’re safe. Everyone else is in the top or bottom. UnHeidi hauls out the models.

They begin the critique with Kara, who talks about the layers of her dress representing layers of flavor. Mrs. Weinstein says she’s passionate when she talks, and wishes she was more passionate in the clothes. Miranda Kerr doesn’t like the ruffles, and DVF says it’s not flattering, but Mrs. Weinstein likes the back detail.

Anthony says his inspiration was the gelato melting. UnHeidi says he went too conceptual with his design, and it got messy. DVF loves the skirt and the concept. Mrs. Weinstein doesn’t like the back panels, and Miranda Kerr agrees.

Mila wanted to evoke the color contrast in her gelato. Isaac thinks it says cherry ice cream so clearly, and UnHeidi likes the lines and layers. DVF says it looks like it was done in little time. Miranda Kerr says it looks easy to wear, and she really likes it.

Michael wanted to do something beautiful. Isaac loves the dress, but isn’t mad about the color since there’s no tartness to it. Similarly, Mrs. Weinstein isn’t getting grapefruit. DVF thinks it’s beautiful and very fluid, and tells him to call her after the show. Michael’s jaw dropped. Mine would too.

April wanted to create something light, like the taste of the gelato. Mrs. Weinstein thinks the corseting was too ambitious. Isaac says it makes an impact from a distance, but the back is “really scary.” DVF says parts are very nice and others are a little bit “Halloween Spider thing.” UnHeidi thinks that her ideas are good, but don’t translate. They have her take the belt off and it reads better to them.

Mondo explains his rind sleeves and melon body. DVF thinks it’s great and Miranda Kerr says the back is to die for. Mrs. Weinstein thinks it works, and UnHeidi loves that it’s a caftan that really flatters the figure, but she doesn’t like the bright orange. Isaac wishes there was more of her body on immediate impact.

The designers are sent off so the judges can deliberate. They begin with the low scores. Anthony was ambitious, but his final product looked amateur. Kara’s explanation was great, but her interpretation was very literal. April’s dress was fresh and youthful, but it looked like “a little piece of Halloween.”

On the top, we have Michael, who’s dress was floaty and timeless, but Isaac thinks it’s “too on the nose.” Mila’s dress was wearable, but the styling was a bit heavy. It was Isaac’s favorite, but none of the ladies agree. They like the color and back detail on Mondo’s and UnHeidi liked the literal element of the sleeves, but Isaac didn’t find it sexy and didn’t like the bright orange, which is hilarious because what is Isaac wearing? A bright orange shirt.

They seem to come down to Michael and Mondo, and Isaac thinks they’re both “award winning thoughts.” They reach a decision. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi tells Mila she’s safe. And the winner is… Michael. Oh, fuck that noise. He invites Miranda Kerr to wear the dress in Palm Springs, which is the only place that old-ass piece of non-design would ever be even remotely appropriate. Ulch. Mondo is told how close it was, and that all of the girls wanted to wear it. So now he can focus his hatred on Isaac, since Isaac is the one who apparently torpedoed his on the basis of not liking the color (that he was wearing) and not showing enough skin (so they gave it to Michael, who made another long, long sleeved dress, but put his deep V in the front rather than the back).

Anthony is safe. So it’s down to Kara and April for the ouster. April’s dress was poorly constructed and she needs to learn to move on when things aren’t working. Kara is a passionate designer, but there was no passion in the dress, and they couldn’t get past the maternity look.

Kara is…safe. Phew. I love them both, but I love Kara more. The judges tell April she has amazing potential, and that she wouldn’t be there if she wasn’t an All Star. She’s looking at the opportunity as an experience to grow, and isn’t going to give up. She’s fucking 22, for chrissakes, so it’s not like she’s out of time.

Next! Find a muse to inspire a fashion forward look. Hold it a second. Can I ask you guys a question. I think you’re gorgeous. I need those shorts right off your back. It’s so insane that she’s like in everybody’s business. She looks like someone that should be in The Lion Thing.

Top Chef:Take a Ride To My Block (Party), That's Right

2012-01-26T07:45:00.001Z

Poor Ponytail Chris
Chicken salad sandwich? Out.
It’s about damn time.

Seriously, darlings, it’s like all my dreams for this show have come true in the last few weeks. First sniffling Beverly, now stupid Chris and his stupid ponytail. If only this didn’t mean that one of them would be guaranteed to be one step away from cooking their way back into the final four, I’d be happy as a clam.

The challenge itself seemed like kind of a throwaway, didn’t it? I mean, a picnic challenge where they’re going to make really basic food this late in the game? It seems like a total waste – we started off with chili and now that we’ve whittled our way down to six, we’re getting elegant, delicious, complex food like…meatballs and chicken salad sandwiches.

Anyway. On a related but not really note? I finally – FINALLY – got to eat at Perilla this weekend, satisfying a dream of many years and noshing down on Harold Dieterle’s food (sadly, I didn’t get the chance to nosh on Harold, but ah well. If all our dreams came true, we’d have nothing left to aspire toward). It was a terrific experience, and I tried to take pictures for you, but it was too dark (and I have enough qualms about being “that guy” taking pictures of my food – I’m not about to be “that guy” using a flash to do so. Also, I only had my phone with me).

If I had to do a side-by-side comparison, I’d probably rank it just below Woodfire Grill (my only other fine dining Top Chef experience to date), but that’s a tough call, and it’s swayed by a few things: 1) I ordered off the 3 course Restaurant Week menu at Perilla, so there were less chances to “wow” me than Woodfire did with the 4 course tasting menu (similarly, I dined alone at Perilla, so I didn’t get to taste anyone else’s dishes, which also resulted in fewer chances to impress). 2) I had the chicken at Perilla, which was delicious, but I’m never going to love a chicken dish as much as a pork dish. If I could, it might’ve been this one, because it was amazingly juicy and the SKIN. The skin was brilliant. It was so incredibly flavorful. 3) Woodfire’s pastry chef is MUCH STRONGER – I had Perilla’s Vanilla Bean Bread Pudding, which had nice flavors, but was dry as hell.

But honestly? My starter at Perilla was the Founder’s Sweet Potato Soup, and – this will sound like hyperbole, but – that soup was transcendent. I would pay the $35 Restaurant Week charge for that soup alone. Yep. I said it. $35 for soup. And I am poor. And it would be totally, totally worth it. (I also had the Perilla 75 cocktail before dinner, and that was quite delicious).

And now…let’s step away from this discussion of Top Chefs of yore and get back to last night’s episode, which didn’t involve any delicious cocktails, or transcendent soups, or Harold. Sigh. And which, for some reason, the Bravo interns have yet to post ANY photographs from. I hate you, interns. I hate you so hard.

Night in the stew room. The chefs are talking about Beverly. Grayson says she’ll miss Beverly, but no one else probably will. Ed does some sort of “I’m Beverly, here’s your halibut” thing where he throws the “halibut” over his shoulder. Yeah, it’s really terrible the way that mean, horrible Heather has poisoned the chefs so thoroughly against Bev. Because the fact that no one but Grayson likes Bev is totally Heather’s doing, and can’t be at all related to the impression that Beverly created herself in the weeks she’s spent with these people since Heather was ousted.

Anyway, Charlize Theron comes back to the stew room and thanks them for cooking for her, and geeks out about the show a little, which is so classy and so adorable. Go Charlize. I suddenly like you a lot more.

We cut to the next morning at the chef house. Grayson knows she needs to step it up with this challenge. They head to the kitchen, where they see Padma, Emeril, and Cat Cora who apparently has nothing better to do now than be on all the Top Chefs? She was just on Just Desserts in the fall. Oh, she has a new show on Bravo. That explains it. Is she still even on Iron Chef America, or have they created so many Iron Chefs through all the Next Iron Chef iterations that she’s been rendered altogether superfluous? And is there another lady Iron Chef yet? I stopped watching the Superstar season after Chuck Hughes was eliminated.

Anyway, Padma divides the chefs into 3 teams of two: Ponytail Chris/Grayson, Ed/Paul, and Lindsay/Sarah. Paul feels like he and Ed are bad luck – every time they’ve been paired together on a challenge, they’ve lost. Interesting – they’re both so strong normally. It must be a case of two great tastes that do not taste great together, like … bacon and absinthe? Blood orange and Brussels sprouts? I don’t know. Everything I can think of ends up sounding like something I’d like.

The challenge is a modified version of the mise en place race: the chefs have 40 minutes to prep 2 pounds of shrimp, a crate of corn, and make a pound of perfect fettuccini. When they’re done with the judges’ approval, they’ll have the remaining time to cook. There’s no immunity, but the winning team gets $10,000.

Food frenzy. The teams split up the tasks, and Lindsay is first to finish a task: her shrimp. Grayson talks and annoys everyone. Ponytail Chris J. says something idiotic about “fast is slow and slow is smooth.” He thinks he’s finished his corn, but has left some on the cobs and has to redo it and call to be rechecked. Eventually, he gets approved to move on. Grayson overworks their pasta. Sarah’s pasta gets passed, so that’s two tasks for the red team, one for the green team, and one for white. White gets pasta. Green is now way behind. Red finishes corn and goes to cook.

Sarah feels really good about being so far ahead of the others. Ponytail Chris finishes their shrimp. White finishes their shrimp, and gets to cook. Finally, Grayson’s pasta is finished. Five minutes left. One minute. Sarah and Lindsay are high fiving. Everyone else works down to the last second. Paul and Ed have no shrimp on their plates.

The judges begin tasting with Grayson and Ponytail Chris’s Fettuccini, Toasted Corn, Poached Shrimp, Chili Bacon and Rosemary. Sarah and Lindsay have made Fettuccini With Corn Milk, Shrimp, Taragon and Parsley. And Ed and Paul’s dish is a shrimpless thing that can’t win because they missed an element. Commercial.

Back. Emeril says the challenge was a lot of fun to watch. Cat liked the idea of the corn milk in Sarah and Lindsay’s dish, but wouldn’t have used the tarragon. Emeril loved how Grayson and Ponytail Chris loved the chili with the shrimp, but Cat would’ve handled the bacon differently. And the winning team is… the green team! Yay! I love this – I like Grayson, even though I hate Ponytail Chris, and it’s always nice to see smug people like Sarah and Lindsay lose.

Padma says that for their elimination, they’ll be cooking AGAINST their teammate. Healthy Choice and their Child Hunger Ends Here initiative are sponsoring an event – the chefs will be serving 200 people at a block party, cooking against their opponent by making a version of the same dish. The diners will vote, and the chefs with the least votes will face elimination. They’ll only have 2 hours to cook.

The chefs debate what to make. Paul and Ed are having an “Asian Showdown,” making some sort of traditional barbecued meat. Ponytail Chris can’t come up with anything better than Grayson’s suggestion of chicken salad sandwich, so they go with that. And Sarah and Lindsay are doing meatballs. Padma cautions them that those dishes sound a little on the heavy side… so because this is a Healthy Choice Café Steamers challenge, they’ll have to make lighter versions of those dishes. The winner will get $15,000.

The chefs trundle off to central market with 40 minutes and a budget of $600 (I had a typo at the top of that sentence so it originally read “The chers” rather than “The chefs.” Think how much more awesome it would be if they had to cook whilst all dressed up like Cher and doing Cher impersonations. The challenges can all be Cher themed -- "Do You Believe in Life After Lunch?" "If I Could Turn Back Thyme" and so forth. Yeah. I'd watch that). Lindsay is using lamb and veal to make her meatballs. Sarah is using turkey. Already Sarah loses in my book, but she smugly thinks that her choice is healthier than Lindsay’s. Grayson has a guy running after chickens for her. Ponytail Chris notices that Grayson has dark meat and mayo in her basket, and he’s avoiding those since he’s trying to be healthy.

The next morning. Paul and Ed haven’t slept much, but they remind each other “just do better than the chicken salad, and you’re safe.”

They show up at the CIA (not that one) with 2.5 hours to cook for 200 people. Ponytail Chris is making tofu mayonnaise. Burf. He says he’s tricked people into thinking it is mayo in the past. Lindsay is stressed and wearing a jaunty cap. Ed is making kimchi and chipotle puree to use in place of ketchup. Paul is using turkey in his kalbi sam (Korean lettuce wrap). Neither he nor Ed have ever been to a block party.

Five minutes remaining. Ponytail Chris is making sandwiches, and Grayson still hasn’t mixed her chicken. A chair gets in Ponytail Chris’s way, and he throws it. Fucking chair, playing dirty and trying to sabotage Ponytail Chris! Commercial.

Back. The chefs race around some sort of Healthy Choice branded picnic ground with 45 minutes to get ready. There are bees everywhere, apparently. Ponytail Chris thinks Grayson is taking a risk doing everything to order. Paul thinks Ed will be in the weeds because he’s making bread for 200 from scratch. Time!

The diners enter and donate food to the San Antonio Food Bank before heading off to the tables. There’s some delightful smack talk between the chefs as the diners get their food. Ed has set up his station as serve-yourself. It seems a bit hectic. Grayson gets backed up because of her make-to-order plan. Ponytail Chris starts freaking out about bees, because he swells up when he gets “bit” by them. The bees basically terrorize him away from his station. Conspiracy! The bees and the chairs have teamed together to ruin Chris’s service! (If this happened to Beverly, we’d be told – tearfully – that the bees and chairs had been turned against her by Heather)

The judges enter and are greeted by Ryan Scott from Season 4. Aw, remember him, with the cuteness and the parents who forced him into child labor? He’s some sort of “Healthy Choice Flavor Ambassador” now. Because that’s a thing. I wonder if he has diplomatic summits with Kelly Kiloren Bensimon in her capacity as Ambassador of Wool. Anyway, the judges make a donation, then head to the stations, where Padma introduces guest diner Dana Cowin. I feel like this is the second or third time lately where they’ve dragged Dana Cowin as a “guest diner” without letting her really judge anything. Wonder who she pissed off. Paul introduces his Turkey Kalbi, Eggplant with White Peach Kimchi. Next up is Ed’s Open Faced Kalbi, Kimchi Chipotle Puree, Pickled Cucumber and Daikon.

Emeril thinks Paul was brilliant to use turkey. Cora says he did the right things to build flavor versus fat, however Padma says Ed’s dish was hard and dry.

Next up is team chicken salad, with Grayson’s Chicken Salad Sandwich with Arugula, Pickled Red Onion, Watermelon Feta Salad with Pumpkin Seeds and Ponytail Chris’s Chicken Salad Sandwich with Tofu “Mayo,” Watermelon Fruit Salad with Pineapple Ice. Emeril is taken aback that they chose chicken salad, but likes that Grayson did hers to order. Dana says it didn’t have a whole lot of flavor. Tom thinks Ponytail Chris’s tofu idea was great, but the bread is drying out. Padma thought his watermelon salad was more flavorful, but Cat calls it “dry ice.”

Finally we have the meatball girls. Sarah introduces her Calabrese Style Turkey Meatball and Vegetable Salad, and Lindsay talks about her Mediterranean Meatball, Lemon Yogurt, Black Eyed Peas and Quinoa Salad. Emeril loves the sauce on Sarah’s and Tom loves the salad, though Dana does not. Cat loves the crunch of pita in Lindsay’s salad, and Tom loves the flavor in her meatball. Dana says she’s actually been “healthy, tasty, and original.” We see the diners voting.

Dana says that the two healthiest dishes they had today were the best ones they ate. Padma is interested to see what the guests prefer. Ed is worried that he’s going to have to defend himself. Commercial.

Fakeback. Paul has lucky socks or something. Hi-larious.

Back. The chefs are in the stew room, talking about what a tough day it’s been and how cool it was that Dana Cowin was there. Padma enters and calls in Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay.

Padma tells them that they got voted the winners of their head to head battles. Emeril thought Paul’s dish was perfect, and Tom says he should bottle his hot sauce. Cat Cora compliments Grayson’s made to order technique. Tom calls Grayson out for making a chicken salad sandwich against “potentially more exciting” dishes. “Like a meatball?” she says pointedly. ZING. Good job, lady. Anyway, moving along, Emeril loved the lemon aspect, and thought Lindsay’s meatball was seasoned “perfect,” and Cat Cora thought it was phenomenal.

And the winner is… Paul! Yayyyyyy! He gets another $15,000. Seriously, Paul wins all the money. Padma asks them to send back their colleagues.

The other three chefs congratulate Paul and then truck back to the table room. Grayson feels like she got brutalized, and feels like she should be in with the losers.

Padma tells the others they all lost their head to head battles, and one will be going home. Padma calls Ed out for replacing the empty calories in rice with the empty calories in bread. Tom says trimming the fat on the shortribs was a mistake.

Tom admits he thought Ponytail Chris’s choices were healthier than Grayson’s, but the bread dried out because he made them ahead of time. Emeril’s watermelon had ice in it.

Cat didn’t taste the apricot in Sarah’s, and thought she could’ve lost the cheese. Tom tells her about the inconsistency with Dana getting shorted on her salad.

They get sent back. Padma says she felt for them in the conditions. Tom said Sarah lost out because she went up against Lindsay’s exceptional meatball. Emeril says that Ponytail Chris’s chicken salad was dry, his bread was dry, and the tofu emulsion leeched flavor out. Tom says that Ponytail Chris is all ideas and no execution. The more they talk about Chris’s dish, the worse they make it sound – they started off at the party making it seem better than Grayson’s, and now that he’s been voted in the bottom it was DRY and AWFUL and the tofu SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF IT. To wrap things up, Cat hated Ed’s dish, and Tom thought his excuses were bullshit. Argh. I do not want Ed to go home. Commercial.

At some point, they roll the names of the chefs you can vote for for fan Favorite across the screen, and I notice Andrew. There was an Andrew this season? Really? I have no memory of him. Oh, this one. Ok. No wonder I don’t remember him.

Back. Tom tells Sarah that she went up against a tougher opponent; Ponytail Chris made an unhealthy choice in letting his sandwiches sit in the sun; and Ed missed the mark in just cutting fat off his dish.

Padma tells... Ponytail Chris to pack his knives and go! Hallelujah! I was convinced it was going to be Ed. Ponytail Chris says he made stupid mistakes and will miss being there.

Grayson feels like him going home is her fault for suggesting chicken salad. Ed says it should’ve been him. Ponytail Chris feels like he’s learned a lot from a lot of great chefs. He’s happy he stayed true to himself as “the crazy creative chef.”

Next: PEE WEE HERMAN!!! We’re like a biker gang! Time is ticking away and I have to walk out. Grayson’s following me around. That’s not cool, especially in an elimination challenge. Guilty!

And in the Last Chance Kitchen… Ponytail Chris meets up with Beverly in Battle “They’re Both Awful So There Are No Winners Here” to do a classic Top Chef Mystery Box Challenge. The hilarious part happens before the even challenge when Ponytail Chris goes down to the house kitchen and waits there for ten minutes before realizing the note was summoning him to the Top Chef kitchen. The second hilarious part happens when he chokes up at seeing Richie for the first time in weeks. Anyway, their initial ingredients are marshmallows, pine nuts, parsnips, cinnamon, buttermilk and lamb chops. The second box has radicchio, and the third has white anchovies. Ultimately Beverly’s Grilled Lamb Chop with Parsnips, Curry Radicchio, and White Anchovy Vinaigrette beats Ponytail Chris’s Grilled Lamb Chop with a Sweet Puree, Radicchio Salad with Pancetta, Pine Nuts and Apple. She has one more chef to beat to get back on the show. Ugh.

Project Runway All Stars: This Little Piggy Went to Parsons

2012-01-20T07:16:00.000Z

Goodbye, Gordana
No Heidi to blame this time
Just a pig nightgown

And there went another person whose All Star status raised a few eyebrows. Sure, she made it to nearly the end of her season, but do you remember that season? It was awful!

I’ve never been a big Gordana fan – I’ve always thought that most of her clothes looked like they were made for a clientele comprised largely of Eastern European hookers – and while I did think Heidi was really mean and unfair to her during her own season, there’s clearly none of that going on here. The three looks she’s made were variously cheap looking and – an even worse sin – forgettable. She just couldn’t stand up against this stronger field.

The challenge itself was fun – I can’t even imagine how much I’d lose it if I got to meet Miss Piggy – but I kind of wish they’d done a bit more with it. It felt a little bit flat in some parts, and really, when it comes right down to it, that could’ve been fixed with one thing: more Muppet.

Let’s just go to this, shall we? I’m still in a Nyquil fog, so I’m not thinking clearly enough to write a coherent introduction.

We open at Parsons, where the UnHeidi greets the designers from the runway. She tells them that this week they’ll be creating a flamboyant cocktail dress “for one of the most famous fashionistas in the world.” She lists off the labels that have designed exclusively for the lady in question… and it’s Miss Piggy.

Kenley thinks her nieces will flip, and April thinks it’s awesome. UnHeidi tells them that they’ll be making her a dress to wear while she promotes her new movie The Muppets. This is where you see the seams on this season start to show – it was supposed to launch back in November, when The Muppets still would’ve been a current release. And I had at least hoped that the delay would mean we’d see a picture of Piggy wearing the winning dress, but alas.

Anyway. They’ll design on their models, and the winning dress will be modified for Piggy, who will be the guest judge. Michael C says this is his dream client. They have $150 and the rest of the day to get it together.

Back at the 1407 workspace, they have 30 minutes to sketch. Mila is going for a sixties Mod look. Kenley says Miss Piggy reminds her of herself, and April likes that she has a va-va-voom about her. Michael C. says that he and his 7 year old son love the Muppet Babies.

And it’s off to Mood with 30 minutes to shop. Austin is working with a “pink bow concept.” Gordana notices a lot people buying black, and she and Austin are going for pink. Time! They head out. “Alright Mood. I’ma holler atcha,” Anthony says.

Back in the workroom. Gordana is creating a “youthful, free flowing” outfit that will show “the feminine side of za vuhman.” Or of za pig, as it were. Mondo thinks her dress is beautiful, but too quiet for this challenge.

Then Mondo and Kara fight over a pair of gloves from the accessory wall. Mondo gives them up to her, but he’s really pissed off. Oh, show, don’t make me choose between them! They’re two of my favorites. Commercial.

Back. Austin can’t wate to meet Miss Piggy in person (or in pig, as it were). Mila has mixed feelings about the challenge: she loves the Muppets but wonders about adapting her aesthetic to Miss Piggy. Kara wants to sex Miss Piggy up a bit. Rami is making a flirty and colorful dress – I love the hell out of his fabric – but Michael C. thinks he’s being too safe. Anthony thinks Miss Piggy is a lady, so his dress will be perfect because his motto is “being a lady is never out of style.”

April is focusing and refusing to speak with people. Kenley is incorporating her retro style with an animal print. She and Kara talk about animal print as Mila looks on disapprovingly – Mila doesn’t need weak things like encouragement or friendship or conversation.

Joanna Coles enters and begins her Joanna-thru with Gordana, who wants to show off Miss Piggy’s legs. Joanna’s getting “a bit of a nightgown vibe” from the dress, which … now that she’s said it, I can’t unsee it. It’s the fabric and the neckline. She tells Gordana that “comfort, when you’re dressing a mega-celebrity like Miss Piggy, shouldn’t matter.” You know why else, comfort shouldn’t matter, folks? She’s a Muppet. What should matter is if her skirt can be adapted to cover the dude with his hand up her ass.

She likes the detailing on Mila’s dress, but reminds her to take Piggy’s “two big ears” into account if she goes forward with her headband plan. Austin thinks Mila’s dress is too severe. Joanna asks Kenley how a pig would feel about wearing a giraffe print, and Kenley points out that she wears a lot of leopard.

Austin tells Joanna that “as long as I can remember” Miss Piggy has been an inspiration to him. Oh, Jesus take the wheel. Joanna’s a bit concerned that his bow-effect dress may look like she’s giftwrapped. She tells Mondo to keep his focus – I love his fabric too. Joanna takes her leave of them, adjuring them “don’t disappoint Miss Piggy.” It's like Tim's "don't bore Nina," but with more felt.

The models arrive with an hour left to the end of the day. Anthony thinks Michael’s design looks very amateur, and can’t deal with the “bubbles on the boobs.” Gordana has stuck with her nightgown plan.

Five minutes left. Mondo thinks his dress looks heavy and overthought. He’s really going to have to hustle tomorrow. Kara and Kenley discuss things again, which makes Mila say they’re becoming “quite codependent, actually.” Holy cow, you sour monster. They speak to each other. It’s not a like they’re weeping on each other’s shoulders, holding each other up. Commercial.

Back. That night at Flatotel, Rami, Kenley, and Kara are laughing. Don’t do it, guys – Mila will kill you.

The next morning, they head back to their workspace. Rami thinks all of the dresses are interesting and unique. Austin is nervous about the amount of work he still has left. Michael C. thinks Austin will be going home for this challenge. Anthony almost ate bacon that morning.

The models arrive for the fitting. Austin has apparently lifted all the accessories Kara had in mind. She gets them back and he says she’s stealing her accessories. Kenley feels confident that she’ll win, but April says her dress is exactly like the ones she’s done, but in giraffe print.

Hair and makeup flurry, and then back down to the workroom. Jerrel says Miss Piggy’s “bacon’s gonna sizzle when she sees my look.” Everyone is all manner of amped about meeting Miss Piggy, which honestly? I love, because I’d feel the same way in their shoes. “It’s time to get things started for Miss Piggy’s dress tonight,” Austin says. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi welcomes them to the runway and says something ridiculous about how the line “one day you’re in and the next you’re out” has never been more true than on All Stars. I feel like RealHeidi said that at one point too, and I was equally ticked off with that. It’s never “more true” than it is other days. One day you’re in, the next you’re out. It’s just true. It’s not more true or less true (except during the weeks they don’t eliminate anyone, when it’s patently false), it’s just the rule of the game.

She introduces the judges – Mrs. Weinstein, Costume Designer Eric Daman, and “International Superstar Miss Piggy.”

Show. Michael C. has interpreted “flamboyant cocktail dress” as “Vegas cocktail waitress costume.” It is cheap, cheap, cheap, and gaudy, gaudy, gaudy. April has made a LBD with what she calls a “Tim Burton Feel” to it Jerell’s dress is a pink thing with a mullet skirt and fluffy epaulettes. Kara’s is a tragic black hooker costume with cut outs below the boobs.

Kenley has made a typical party dress in her pink giraffe print – it’s cute, but she’s paired it with a ridiculous hat. Anthony has made a nice black dress with a mullet skirt and some sheer insets

Rami’s dress is a white flamenco feel number with pink and orange spots. Mila has made a very basic mod mini dress – I like it, but it’s nothing special, and she says she could see it on a lot of “Hollywood A listers on the red carpet.” Which is…nice, I suppose, but your challenge was to design for Miss Piggy, not some Hollywood starlet at an event. Gordana has made a pink nightgown for Carol Brady.

Austin’s is a grey dress with pink touches and hip bows. I hate it, and now I worry that Michael will have been right. We finish with Mondo’s, a pink metallic look mini dress. I’m kind of sad that this is the end result of a fabric I really liked being worked on by a designer I love – it does, as he noted at half time, look heavy and motionless.

The designers file onto the runway. UnHeidi calls Austin, Rami, Gordana, Kenley, Mila, and Michael. They’re the top and bottom. Everyone else is safe.

The judges begin with Austin’s dress. Georgina says it’s beautifully constructed but it’s “not reading very happy right now.” Daman says the bows will accentuate Piggy’s hips in a way they don’t need to be accentuated. Piggy gives him a dirty look. Piggy isn’t “really sure if the dress is functional,” and questions whether she could hula-hoop in it. Austin says the bows would keep the hula hoop up.

Rami says he gravitated toward his fabric because it was festive. UnHeidi says it would be a difficult dress for the average woman to wear. “But I’m not average,” Piggy growls. Eric thinks he had a lot of fun and came up with a fun dress that’s “Parisian Hog Couture.” Piggy says it’s the “most garish, outlandish, ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. I love it!”

Gordana begins by saying Piggy has made her children very happy. UnHeidi thinks her dress is very pretty, but too understated for a film premiere. Georgina says the dress doesn’t fit the styling, and Piggy says it’s a “fine fine dress” but she doesn’t know if “it’s moi.”

Georgina tells Michael he took the project in “a slightly more sophisticated direction.” For real? Well, I suppose Vegas cocktail waitresses are a bit more adult than the average Muppet fan. Piggy loves it, and the fact that it looks like “a present for Kermie.”

Mila explains the “Hollywood it girl streamlined direction,” she took, and UnHeidi asks her where the “flamboyant” comes in. Georgina says color would photograph better on the red carpet. Piggy loves that it’s retro, but it doesn’t scream Miss Piggy. It whispers it.

Kenley says she wanted the dress to demand attention. Georgina says the color’s great, but she’s concerned about the construction of the top, which looks “stuck down.” Overall, though, she thinks it’s great. Eric says it’s cute and whimsical, and he thinks the hat is great, and would be perfect to mask Miss Piggy’s ears. Piggy gets offended, but she does love the hat, which she could use to clean her pots and pans after a big night on the town.

The designers are sent off so the judges can deliberate. Austin’s dress was flamboyant, but not in a classy way (and yet Michael’s was??? I don’t understand the logic operating here). Eric thought it was ‘90s Gauthier redux, and that it would’ve worked for Pigs In Space. Piggy is hung up on the bows on the side. Piggy thought Mila’s was retro, but also a little Goth. Georgina says that Mila thought about her own collection, but not the client or the challenge. Piggy says Gordana’s dress “just kind of sat there for moi,” and Georgina says it wouldn’t flatter Piggy’s curves.

They liked Kenley’s dress, though Eric found the construction troublesome. Piggy wonders what giraffe “says.” Piggy likes that Rami’s dress says “Hellooooo, look at meeeeee!” Georgina thought he did a great job in this context. Georgina can imagine a million girls loving Michael’s dress. Piggy says she doesn’t normally wear leather. Eric picks on Piggy’s ears again, and she karate chops him. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi tells them they brought humor and style to the project. Kenley is safe. So it’s either Rami or Michael for the win. I can’t believe this. Piggy announces that the winning designer is someone who made a fabulous dress for a fabulous model….and it’s …wait for it….Michael.

You’re kidding me. You’re fucking kidding me. He’s very excited to have won. But seriously...that thing? THAT thing?

Sigh.

Rami is safe. Austin is safe. So it’s Mila or Gordana. Gordana made a really pretty dress…and that’s the problem – she didn’t push the envelope. They appreciate Mila being true to her point of view but she didn’t celebrate her client.

And Mila is…safe. So Gordana is out. She thanks the judges for the opportunity. Piggy reminds her that she really is an All Star. The one thing Gordana wants to say to women her age is that it’s never too late to follow your own dream, whatever it might be.

Next: Please welcome Diane Von Furstenberg! You only have 6 hours! This is the fastest challenge in Project Runway history. I’m just sewing and running. Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr. There was no passion in this dress.

Top Chef: Something Wicked This Way Noms

2012-01-19T11:13:00.002Z

Crying Beverly
Crying every episode
Now leaving in tears

Well, ding dong, the witch is dead. And I don’t mean an awesome, evil witch like Charlize Theron. I mean the wet, soppy, mewling little witch who wouldn’t die no matter how many buckets of water the bigger, meaner witches threw on her.

Here’s the thing: I know Beverly’s had a shit time of it, and made it through the abusive relationship and all. And people like Sarah and Heather were complete dicks to her.

But I can’t feel sorry for someone who feels that sorry for herself. Self pity is natural, but to live your entire life as one big victim scene.. . that’s just gross. And that’s really what we’ve seen from Beverly in this competition – any instinct she has to prove herself or to win is cloaked in a bunch of rhetoric about how everyone who doesn’t lick her ass is a bully, and how one horrifying mean chef managed to turn everyone else against her.

So adios, Beverly, you human wet nap. You will not be missed. And I will not be pleased if (spoiler alert) you manage by some minor miracle to beat any other chefs and stay alive past the next round of Last Chance Kitchen.

The challenge: I liked it, despite the product placementry of it all. And apparently the chefs liked it too, because the work they did was sooooo much better than what we’ve seen prior to this point in the competition that it’s just staggering. The presentation on some of those dishes was just flat out amazeballs.

I will point out one thing though: while they were working to make dishes that would convey the idea of blood or poison or wickedness, so many of them made dishes that would’ve literally been poisonous to me! I couldn’t believe so many of them went to the beets = blood well! Come on, people. There’s other red food out there! Just say no to beets!

Let’s spin this delightful fairy tale, shall we?

Night. We open in the stew room, where chivalrous knights Paul, Ed and Ponytail Chris are congratulating fair maiden Beverly. La Strega Sarah, the witch who only makes Italian Food, is upset because she thinks the beautiful but cold hearted Lindsay should’ve won for being the glue that held their team together. Witch, please. It’s Top Chef, not Top Adhesive. Anyway, King Tom enters and tells them they have been banished from Austin, and must flee in the night to the far off kingdom of San Antonio.

So they race off through the darkness in their ~~product placement vehicles~~ pumpkin carriages. Sir Ponytail Chris talks about being the only asshole who hasn’t won anything. They wonder if the girls are pissed at Bev. The girls ride involves a lot of silence, a lot of smug interviews from Bev, and a lot of sniping from Lindsay.

The next morning, they reflect on how close they are to the final 4 while eating breakfast, then head back to the kitchen where everything started. Bev tells us that on arriving, she sees "Eric Rippurt." I don't know who this Rippurt fellow is, but the dude in the kitchen is culinary legend and my secret baby daddy Eric Ripert. Eric Ripert is a famous kitchen wizard who a~~n evil~~ horny witch trapped in the body of a magical Silver Fox. Lady Padma is also there ~~wearing~~ trapped in an evil jumpsuit.

Ed notices a conveyor belt at the back of the room, and knows that this challenge is going to suck. Padma tells them that the Quickfire is about quick thinking. They’ll have 30 minutes to create a sophisticated dish using 3 ingredients (because things in Fairy Tales always come in threes -- three brothers; three trials; three wishes) that they’ll pick from the conveyor belt. The longer they wait for ingredients, the better their chances of getting a good one are… but the less time they’ll have. The winner will get the magical gift of immunity.

Conveyor flurry. Lindsay decides to grab basic pantry staples first. Ed grabs macadamia nuts and sauerkraut. Then he realizes he has to use both. Sarah is hanging out net to the conveyor waiting for things. Grayson starts a carrot and white wine sauce and hopes for a good piece of fish to go with it. Chris sees lobster and runs after it, but it gets taken off the conveyor before it comes up again.

Fifteen minutes. Paul grabs saffron, bread, and bitter melon. Chris keeps waiting for the lobster to come back around, swearing a lot. Sir Ponytail Chris is more like the clumsy squire than a gallant knight in this scenario. Grayson grabs goldfish crackers. Beverly starts creating a dish with pantry ingredients. Sarah is still waiting for anything, and grabs saltine crackers.

Here come the lobsters again… and once again Sir Ponytail Chris is too slow for them. Haha. Asshole. Beverly grabs rice krispies, tofu, and black eyed peas. Chris runs for the lobster a third time and manages to snag one. Lindsay grabs a grouper and clams to make Bouillabaisse. Grayson gets her fish. Time! Beverly starts crying because she forgot to put the curried rice krispies onto her plate…and because she’s Beverly, and crying is what she does. Commercial.

Back. Padma and Eric Ripert make their way around the enchanted kitchen to see what sort of wizardry the chefs have worked. Ed explains his Sauerkraut Soup, Shrimp with Shaved Truffle. Ok, I love sauerkraut, but the idea of sauerkraut soup makes me want to hurl. Chris made Butter Poached Lobster with Foie Gras. Padma says that the cauliflower brings out chocolate notes. Grayson’s dish is Butter Poached Dover Sole with Goldfish and Rosemary. Padma thinks using the goldfish crackers on fish is kind of clever, and asks Ripert if he’s ever done that. “I ‘ave nevair don zat,” he says. “You probably shouldn’t,” Grayson tells him.

Paul has used his ingredients to make Mussels in Ginger and Bitter Melon Broth. He thinks he bombed the challenge. Sarah’s dish is Fried Soft-Shell Crab with Cottage Cheese Sauce. She can’t believe she’s serving Eric Ripert saltines and cottage cheese.

Lindsay discusses her Bouillabaisse in Fennel-Pernod Broth. Finally we have Beverly’s --without her Rice Krispies. Ripert asks to taste it with the Krispies to see how it works. Ed says she should’ve just chucked the Krispies in the air and hoped some landed on the plate.

Ripert begins listing the weaker dishes with Ponytail Chris, whose “ingraidients deed aint complaimaint eech ozzair,” Grayson, who’s overuse of citrus “nom our palaits,” and Paul, because the “beetairness of ze may-lon,” made the dish unappealing.

On top, we have Sarah, whose dish was interesting and a “sooprize,” Lindsay, and Beverly, who would’ve won by a mile if she’d gotten all the ingredients on the plate. And the “weenair” is Lindsay, who had the most “‘armonious deesh”. She takes it as a backhanded compliment – though she won, her dish wasn’t really the best… but it’s still immunity. I’ll take “Things You Shouldn’t Do To A Gift Horse” for a thousand, Alex.

We veer right into the Elimination Challenge. Padma tells them they’ll have to make a dish fit for a queen. Ponytail Chris speculates that it could be the Queen of England or Queen Latifah….but no. It’s Charlize Theron, who’ll be playing the Queen in the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman. She talks about how it’s a darker version of the Snow White tale, and how her queen is pretty much a serial killer.

So they’ll have to prepare a gothic feast of dishes that are “wickedly beautiful.” Charlize encourages them to think like a wicked queen and take out the competition.

The chefs race off to Whole Foods where they have 30 minutes and $250 each. Paul is making an “enchanted forest” with beets and beet stems, aka my death on a plate. Grayson plans on making a “mutilated chicken” which will look like “a crime scene on a plate” and involve “a cracked open baby bird.” Sarah is going to make red risotto to look bloody, and it’ll have fresh figs in it. Ponytail Chris has gummi worms. Beverly klutzes her way around the store, and Grayson describes her as “like a bulldog: she little but she crazy.”

Bulldogs everywhere are now pissed at being compared to Beverly and defamed as crazy. Watch your back, Grayson.

Lindsay’s dish involves scallops, short ribs, blood oranges and dragon beans.

Back at the chef house, they all describe how they’re going to work evil into their dishes. Ponytail Chris calls his wife. This doesn’t make him any more likeable, though we do get to see a picture of him with semi-normal hair. Go with that look, Ponytail Chris, ya douche. They make a plan for the next day, and Paul emphasizes being respectful of peoples’ space and not grabbing stuff off others stations. Lindsay interviews that a couple of people have had problems in the past with Beverly jumping in front of people and grabbing things without thinking twice about it. Commercial.

Back. They have 2 hours to cook at the Southwest School of Art. Chris is making a play on the poisoned apple. Ed has the first course, so he wants to set the tone for the evening – he’s making a black sauce and a white sauce to represent the struggle between good and evil. Beverly is making forbidden rice and halibut. Paul thinks she’s making halibut to show Lindsay that she can do it. He thinks people underestimate Bev.

Lindsay tells us that her dish is inspired by something that she had when she first had when she started working with Michelle Bernstein. Sarah’s making lamb hearts, and Grayson is cooking with black chicken, which she’s never used before.

Paul burns some beet juice and coco nibs, and nixes them from the recipe.

The judges (Tom, Padma, Eric Ripert and Emeril) and Charlize Theron enter a sumptuous looking royal dining room, and toast to a wicked feast. Ed’s first course emerges: Tuna Tartare with Black Garlic Ponzu and Asian Pear Vinaigrette. Padma’s into the fried fish scales, and Ripert thinks he’s done “a grate zhob wiss zee sauce.” Tom thinks he did a great job with the dish, and Charlize could eat it every day.

Back in the kitchen, Paul is putting “bloody” handprints on his plate. His dish comes out next, and he explains the enchanted forest idea behind his Foie Gras with Bacon, Pumpernickel, Pickled Cherries, and Beets. Except for the beets that sounds awesome. Charlize loves the presentation, calling it beautiful and scary. Emeril says the dish could have problems, but all comes together, and Ripert says it’s “fantastique.”

Next up is Beverly, who feels confident about her dish. The servers bring out her Seared Halibut with Red Curry Coulis and Forbidden Rice. She explains how Snow White is the halibut. Hm. Ripert likes the pineapple. Charlize’s halibut is cooked perfectly. Tom thinks the rice is great.

The servers bring out Lindsay’s Seared Scallop over "Witch’s Stew” and Dragon Beans. Emeril loves the smell, and everyone’s scallops are cooked perfectly. Tom looks up from his dish wide eyed and says that the stew is “damn good.” It’s such a simple compliment, but the expression on his face gives it such weight – sometimes something is so damn good that damn good is all you can say about it. I wonder if this is one of those times. Padma says Lindsay may not have needed the immunity since her dish is so good.

Sarah is very proud of her dish, which is Amarone Risotto with Lamb Heart. Ripert says it’s “flayvorfool,” and Tom says “altogether it’s quite delicious.” Charlize loves the heart, and says “BRING ME MORE HEART” in a commanding wicked queen voice.

Chris tells Grayson her dish is “slaughterific”. Everyone chuckles at the sight of her dish: Black Chicken with Beets, Quail Egg, and Foie Gras. Grayson tells them that the quail egg symbolizes the baby that was inside the chicken when she was slaughtered. Tom says if it tastes as good as it looks, it’s an absolute winner. Seriously, the presentation (as you can see) is epic. They all rave about how crispy and delicious it is. Ripert suggests hanging the chicken feet from the chandelier as a souvenir.

For dessert we have Chris’s Poisoned Apple and Cherry Pie. He finishes sit with smoking apple powder. They all crack into the “blood filled” apple, and talk about how this is where Chris’s bag of tricks really pays off. Again, the presentation on this dish is just a real event, from the smoking powder to the pie inside the apple.

Tom says this is the most exciting meal of the season so far, and Ripert says it’s one of the best meals he’s had on Top Chef. While everything was good, there were a few things that were out of step, and since it was overall so excellent it’s going to come down to little glitches. Commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs have formed an impromptu band in the stew room, banging on and shaking utensils and ingredients. Beverly is off tempo on her pot lid cymbals.

Back. Grayson tells them what she said about her dish, and everyone cracks up. Padma calls them all back to the judges’ table.

Tom says this is one of the finest meals he’s had in all the years of Top Chef. Charlize Theron says that if she was a queen, she’d take them all to her castle and torture and inspire them to create these dishes every day. “We are here to please you,” Ed says.

Emeril tells Sarah her lamb heart was perfection. Tom tells Lindsay her scallop dish was brilliant and full of tiny details that made the dish. Padma thought Ed’s sauces were amazing. Charlize felt that Chris made the perfect sweetness to the dessert, and Tom tells him that this is where his tricks were effective.

Emeril says Beverly’s rice was delicious and didn’t overpower the coconut. Tom tells Grayson her visual was dead on. Padma says Paul’s enchanted forest was beautiful, and you couldn’t beat that handprint. Charlize announces that the winner is…Paul! He gets two tickets to the world premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman. I hope he gets airfare and accommodation as well, because otherwise that is one underwhelming prize. “You get a car! You get a luxury vacation! You get thousands of dollars! You get…movie tickets.”

Padma tells Ed, Lindsay, and Chris that they’re also safe. So it’s Sarah, Beverly, and Grayson in the bottom. They’ve all done well, and Tom thinks that with minor changes, these dishes should all go on their menus back home.

Charlize liked the presentation on Sarah’s dish. Sarah says she went with the luxury/royalty idea, and spent half her budget on the Amarone alone. “Drink any?” Emeril asks roguishly. Sarah laughingly admits that she has a bit in the next room in case she has to go home. Charlize thought the risotto was a bit salty, and Tom thought it was a touch undercooked. “I’m nitpicking here, because I have to,” he says.

Tom enjoyed Beverly’s dish, but the sauce became sticky. Beverly says how she didn’t want to be “wicked, grotesque” she wanted to go an elegant and refined route. Tom says that if the plate was hot, the sauce mightn’t have turned sticky on them. Beverly cries something about having something in her heart and doing this for her family.

Padma loved the idea of Grayson’s chicken, and Tom asks how she came up with it. Charlize thought the greens were a bit salty, Tom says the quail egg might’ve worked better hard boiled, and Padma and Emeril didn’t think the foie was worked into the dish well. Grayson then hilariously slams the other two, saying that Beverly wanted to go elegant instead of wicked “….okay….” and that she could’ve done what she wanted to as well, “like pasta or risotto,” but she went out on a limb, totally embraced the theme of the challenge, and she hopes the judges see that.

The ladies are dismissed and head back to the stew room. Ed says that they all did so well they should be proud of whoever goes home.

Deliberation. Grayson’s dish was absolutely gutsy, and Beverly put together a “nice dish” but held back. Sarah’s risotto was undercooked and had too much cheese. They mope a bit about what a hard decision they have to make. Commercial.

Back. Tom says that Sarah “went there” with the challenge, but her risotto just missed the mark. Beverly told the nice side of the story, but the sauce was hard to get down. Grayson’s dish was “definitely fitting” but had some flaws. He emphasizes what a difficult decision it was, and says “the queen will have someone’s head.”

Padma tells Beverly to pack her knives and go. Beverly hugs Grayson and half hugs Sarah, then says it really stings that she could’ve had immunity if she hadn’t forgotten part of her quickfire dish. She says she’s proved to herself how she can persevere through all the highs and lows, and she never threw anyone under the bus. With that, she is cast out from the Top Chef palace, never to return again…we hope.

Next time! You have to shine if you’re going to win this head to head battle. The last thing I want to do is compete against Lindsay. I want to compete against Paul. Oh, Come on…, Alright, let’s all freak out now. It’s come down to the wire. You’ve got to deliver.

And in the Last Chance Kitchen, Beverly faces force of nature Nyesha in a contest to see who can cook with local fish Black Drum, and can only make one pass through the pantry to gather everything for her dish. Nyesha thinks this one should be in the bag and no challenge whatsoever. None of the eliminated chefs bet on Beverly, which Beverly puts down to Heather “gathering people against” her again. Or, maybe they just don’t like you on their own, huh Bev?

Tom introduces a twist: they have to surrender their ingredients to the other chef. It’s fairly early, but Nyesha feels like she’s set Beverly up for success. On the other hand, Beverly has already dredged her fish entirely in cornstarch, and knows Nyesha will hate the ingredients she chose. The other chefs watch Beverly fuck about the kitchen not filleting her fish, discoloring pans by overheating them, and pouring oil on the grill.

Ultimately, it comes down to Beverly’s Seared Black Drum With Orange, Fennel, and Olives versus Nyesha’s Seared Black Drum With Julienne of Tri-Pepper and Pineapple Chutney. Tom tells them they both did a great job, and it came down to an issue of seasoning. Nyesha’s dish was slightly underseasoned, so Beverly is the winner. Fuck that noise. She says being eliminated was her “point down in the ashes” and now she’s rising back up again. God, what a tiresome woman.

Project Runway All Stars: Si, Mi Chiamano Sweet P

2012-01-13T07:37:00.000Z

Oh, Sweet P, c’mon.
What the hell was that dress, girl?
And where is “Mean P”?

Guys, I just can’t with an intro today.

Here’s the thing: after a nice respite from half a lifetime of insomnia, it seems to have come back with the vengeance. I have not had a good night’s sleep so far in 2012. I am full on Richard III Act IV, Scene i Lady Anne style wigged out right now:

“For never yet one hour in his bed
Have I enjoy’d the golden dew of sleep…”

… but without the awesome double entendre of it all. Because what’s keeping me awake is not my hunchbacked, horrifying, possibly sexually voracious husband, but my goddamned cat and my goddamned subconscious.

Anyway, the end result of this, combined with the fact that I had a crap day yesterday, and the fact that some of my friends were late getting to dinner last night and we wanted to watch 30 Rock so we didn’t really start watching Project Runway until 9:45 or so and I was half asleep by the time the show started and had to be nudged repeatedly to stay awake while it was on, is that I honestly don’t have much to say about the episode.

They made opera dresses. There were – or at least I saw – a lot of ‘90s clothing references. And Sweet P, predictably, is gone – she and Elisa were the two who had the most people questioning their “All Star” status to begin with, and they’re the first two axed.

Let’s see what else I remember:

We open the show at Parsons, where Angela – who, really, I’m just going to refer to as “The UnHeidi” from now until she does something to distinguish herself. You can make your own call about whether I intend that as a reference to the old UnCola commercials of my youth, or to Freud’s concept of the unheimliche – greets the designers. She tells them that this week’s challenge is all about high end glamour, and welcomes Mark Badgley and James Mishka to the runway.

They tell the designers that their challenge for the week is to design a gown for an evening at the opera. They’re looking for true couture touches. Michael Costello* tells us he’s ready for this challenge, because he grew up listening to a lot of opera. Frankly, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Michael Costello told us he’d grown up in an opera. Didn’t we establish during his season that he’s from a family of Irish travelers or something?

*(And yes, I’ll probably keep referring to him as Michael Costello or Michael C. even though there’s no longer a Michael D. around from whom I need to distinguish him. It’s sheer force of habit, the same way friends from high school still call me Jordan Baker, even though we haven’t seen Jordan Butcher, Jordan Candlestick-Maker, or Jordan Almond since 1995)

The designers will have a budget of $350…and only one day to work.

They head over to their workroom, where they have 30 minutes to sketch. Michael C. is planning to make a red dress…as is April. Uh-oh. Now we get to continue their mophead drama from last week. Austin reminds us that they called him the “King of Couture” during the first season (did they? I don’t recall that), so he’s feeling a lot of pressure.

They head off to the first MOOD trip of the season. Swatch hears that Tim Gunn won’t be with them, so he hides. He only knows these people through Tim – it would be awkward to run into them without Tim around to broker their acquaintance. Kenley picks up a pink fabric with black dots that’s fun in a ‘50s kind of way, but not something I’d ever wear to the opera. Michael C. and April learn that they’re both using the same fabric again. Michael goes through all the things they both have – leading to the line “I have feathers, she has feathers” – which for some reason I find kind of priceless. Anyway, April could care less that they’re both using the same color, but Michael C. decides to switch and do a black Jersey.

And it’s back to the workroom. April starts dying her fabric to give her gown a “corpse bride” effect. Everyone else thinks this is a mistake, since the dying process will take so long, and worries that she’s sabotaging herself. Commercial.

We come back, and it’s work work work work work. Joanna Coles enters for her Joanna –thru. She begins with Rami. Can we just discuss how HUGE Rami is this season? I mean, he was fit in Season 4, but now he’s just straight up jacked. Look at those arms! Anyway, he’s playing with the idea of triangles toward the bodice. He thinks Austin is perfect for the challenge. So Joanna sidles up to Austin and just reminds them that they all have HUGE expectations for him. HUGE. EPIC. One might even say OPERATICLY EXAGGERATED. Then she slithers away, having said nothing about his dress. Because why discuss clothes when you can just give someone a complex instead?

Next she heads over to April, who realizes dying is risky, but she’s comfortable with the risk since she does it a lot. April tells the camera that she didn’t even think of a plan B, she just needs Plan A to work out.

Joanna Coles tells Kara that she worries that her dress – which, seriously, is made of a floral pattern that looks pretty much exactly like a Jessica McClintock dress I had in 1991, a pattern that was only ever appropriate for making slightly overwrought floral dresses for 14 year old girly girls in the very early ‘90s – is going to look like “bridesmaid wear” rather than evening. Similarly, she asks Anthony how the judges will know his white dress isn’t a bride’s dress. Anthony points out that it’s plunging and forward thinking in a way brides’ dresses aren’t known to be.

Joanna Coles heads back out. Work work work work work. Sweet P is concentrating on the bodice of her dress and praying it works. Mondo thinks Kara is the weakest designer in the room. Austin thinks Michael Costello’s dress is “too celebrity and not enough socialite.”

At the end of the day, they head back to the Flatotel where they sit around talking about how a day isn’t enough time to do couture. Anthony says that they’re making “really, really, really pumped up prom dresses” rather than couture gowns. Kara is worried. Commercial.

Back. Day of show. Everyone is rushing to get done. The models arrive for their fittings, and then get rushed off to the usual Hair and Makeup product placement routine. The designers stand around the Neiman Marcus accessory wall, oohing and aaaahing to do their part to keep the sponsorship …ship…. afloat.

We hit the runway. The UnHeidi welcomes them, and introduces the judges – Georgiana Chapman, Isaac Mizrahi, and guest judges Badgley and Mischka (I never quite sorted which was Badgley and which was Mischka, by the way, so be prepared for me to attribute their remarks to both of them jointly). Let’s start the show.

We open with Kenley, who has made a dress (right) that I swear to God, my sister had for a Barbie Doll circa 1990 – Costume Ball Barbie, I believe. I had the accompanying Costume Ball Ken, despite being technically “too old” for Barbies in 1993. One of my friends points out that it’s kind of another “Puerto Rican Prom dress,” continuing the theme Kenley’s work seems to be taking so far this season.

Gordanna has made a purple formalwear gown for her usual Eastern European Hooker client (left). The top is interesting, but something about the way the top and bottom work together is just trashy. “It’s not opera, it’s Grammys,” one of my friends says. “It’s not even Grammy’s, it’s Latin Grammy’s,” I add caustically.

Rami has made a bright pink dress that looks like it belongs to another Barbie. Not one my sister or I ever had – Southern Whore Barbie or something, maybe. Mila has made an asymmetrical black dress. Sweet P has made what looks like a maxi dress version of the Sunday dresses I used to sell for children at the Tucson Mall Dillard’s in the late ‘90s: solid color top; Empire waist; floral skirt. There is nothing sophisticated about it.

Mondo’s gown (right) is…I can’t decide if I love it or hate it. It’s interesting and beautiful, but at its core it looks like a cocktail dress from the ‘90s (god, either I am or they are on such a “from the ‘90s” kick today. I hope it’s just what I’m seeing and not what they’re actually doing. I am not ready for a ‘90s revival. Say no to overalls and high waisted jeans, America) with a sheer cape attached to it. Actually, come to think of it, that makes it like a shorter version of the dress I bought for senior prom (1995), which was also a white dress with a sheer cape attached. And also Jessica McClintock. Anyway, looking at it this morning, I like it, and will refer to it as having a “space vixen meets Audrey Hepburn” aesthetic.

Jerell has made a tent dress that makes his model look huge, but it has a weird kind of elegant dress. Kara has made a grown-up version of the Jessica McClintock dress I had in 8^th grade (it doubled as my district honor choir dress and my 8^th grade graduation dress. I loved the crap out of that thing, but I was a 14 year old girl, and it was 1991).

I love the hell out of Anthony’s dress. I’m not even going to say anything about it; I’m just going to let you look.

Austin’s dress is also amazing – it’s gold with soft, wispy black touches and a beautiful back. April’s dye job on her red-to-black ombre dress looks gorgeous from a distance, but dirty up close, and the construction on the bodice isn’t good. Michael Costello’s dress is black and has a feathered vest-lette thing that makes it look very structured and closed off from the front, but the back is totally bare. It’s staggering.

The show finished, the designers line up on the runway. The UnHeidi calls Anthony, April, Sweet P, Austin, Kara, and Michael. They have the highest and the lowest scores. Everyone else is dismissed, and we go to commercial.

We come back to the world’s most confusing judging session. I don’t know if it was just because I was so fucking exhausted last night, or if these judges were just trying to be super evenhanded, but we kind of came out of the segment not being 100% whether some people were the best of the worst or the worst of the best.

Anyway, we begin with Anthony. Isaac loves that he’s created a “new context for white,” and calls his dress vampy and sexy. The Badgley Mischkas love that it’s body conscious on one side and bloussant on the other. But Georgina Chapman is concerned about his overuse of accessories.

Moving to April’s (right), Isaac doesn’t think that the opera is the time for ombre, and the Badgley Mischkas both hate black and red together. Now, clearly this is not good commentary, but it’s a bit gentle considering all the problems with execution – the dirty looking dye job; the awkward looking bodice – you can see on the dress.

Isaac says that Sweet P’s is more “prom dress” than opera. Personally, I don’t know what prom you’d wear that to – I can’t imagine that combination of color and patterns on anyone over 10, even though I’m seeing it right before my eyes. Badgley Mischka don’t like the dirndl skirt, and agree that it’s not for the opera.

Isaac loves Austin’s dress, and calls it fresh, classic and expensive. He loves the relative modesty of it. Everyone else loves it too.

Then we move to Kara, and Isaac says he loves the print. I fall over dead from confusion, and can’t keep going. Anyway, he adds that a dress that simple needs to be perfect, and this isn’t. Georgina thinks it’s very pretty – and I almost drop dead again – but she adds that it doesn’t fit Kara’s personality.

Finally, Isaac calls Michael C’s (left) “shockingly perfect,” and he can’t believe that he made it in one day. Georgina loves that he used matte jersey.

The designers are sent off and the judges deliberate. They begin with the bottom – which is convenient, because we actually needed that distinction to sort out who was in which group. Isaac didn’t go for April’s original idea, but at least it wasn’t boring. He likens Sweet P’s to a “granny bathing suit.” One of the Badgely Mischkas loves Kara’s dress, but no one else does.

On the top, Anthony’s was beautifully draped and impeccably made. They loved Austin’s, and thought it was tasteful but still exciting. And Michael’s was spectacular, but something you see a lot. Commercial.

We come back and learn that Anthony is safe. So it’s down to Michael or Austin for the winner, and it’s Austin. He says some things about winning, but seriously, I’m half asleep at this point and doing some sort of semi-conscious automatic writing shit. We’re lucky I managed to get down the designers names and not a message from “the other side” or something.

Michael is also in. Kara is safe.

So it’s either April or Sweet P. The judges appreciate April’s ambition, but she didn’t execute. Sweet P lost her way in the challenge.

Ultimately, April is in and Sweet P is out. Sweet P says something about how she respects all the other designers. One of my friends shakes me because I’ve totally passed out.

Next time! Flamboyant cocktail dress for Miss Piggy! Kara and Kenley are becoming quite codependent! You made a really pretty dress, and that’s the problem! And hopefully, I’ll have gotten my first full night’s sleep in 2012 by that point.

Top Chef: (Restaurant) War(s) -- What Is It Good For?

2012-01-12T07:28:00.001Z

Chef Ty-lör Boring
Might be boring after all?
Spice it up, Umlaut.

Guys, I’m bummed. I’m so bummed! My chances to use umlauts in everyday life have just been DRASTICALLY reduced.

And not just that… but in a season where the bulk of the contestants seem to be subpar in terms of talent and nearly comatose in terms of personality, we’ve just lost Ty-lör . TY-LÖR ! Him of the Japanese Nanny and the barely hinted at odd relationship with his parents and the nudie pics (totally, totally NSFW).

In the kitchen, Ty-lör seemed to be one of those chefs who, when he was good, was very, very good, and when he was bad was horrid at seasoning and anything involving barbecue. But in the chefquarters, he had a moustache, and a sense of humor, and an umlaut in his name. And that’s what passes for character this season, kids. And now he’s gone.

Paul, Grayson, and Ed are now the only ones left that I like (I’m sure I’d like Sarah’s food, and probably at least some of Bev’s, but I dislike them both so much on a personal level that they’re unrootable to me. Lindsay remains largely invisible – not a good sign with only 7 left in the field – and I’d probably punch Chris Jones in the face if I saw him on the street).

Anyway. It was Restaurant Wars! Which apparently we’re meant to anticipate breathlessly all season, but due to some sort of law of diminishing returns, the more they tell me I’m supposed to anticipate it breathlessly all season, the less I actually do. It’s the same way with the “Unconventional Materials” challenge on Project Runway.

And this Restaurant Wars seemed…meh. The ladies’ food looked good. It was nice to see all the chefs in civvies instead of their coats. It was a nice twist to have them serving on different nights so they’d have to eat each other’s food. But I think it’s telling that this episode ended at 11:01 – it may be the first non-supersized Restaurant Wars in awhile. That’s how little they managed to get out of it.

Oh, and also? Even though it’s Restaurant Wars, Bravo hasn’t bothered to put up ANY Rate the Plate photos or descriptions as of 7 this morning. Good job, Bravo. Fuck you.

We open without any of the usual rehashing the previous night type prelude: it’s straight into the episode as the chefs enter the Palm Door and see Padma and Hugh Acheson in the middle of a big ole’ empty space. Grayson has a feeling she knows what the next challenge will be…and she’s right! The episode veers directly into the Elimination Challenge with Restaurant Wars. And for the first time ever, Restaurant Wars will also be a battle of the sexes – lady chefs versus dude chefs. Sarah is worried about having Beverly on the girls’ team because she’s been on a team with her before and she was a wreck. Granted, I know very few people who wouldn’t have been a wreck with Heather flaring her nostrils at them like some sort of spastic Ferdinand the Bull, but still.

Each team will open the restaurant in the Palm Door for one night. Padma flips a coin to see who will be up first, and it’s the dudes. Hugh tells them to make a 3 course menu with 2 choices in each course, for 100 guests. Someone has to be front of house; everyone has to be responsible for at least one dish. Each team will have 5 hours to cook and decorate before service begins. They have 45 minutes to menu plan, and $7500 to spend for design at Sur la Table and Garden Ridge.

Planning. The dudes’ team puts Ed at front of house because he owns his own restaurant. Paul suggests Canteen as the name. Someone – I think Ponytail Chris? -- doesn’t know what a canteen is, or maybe only knows it in the “water vessel” sense and not the “dining hall” sense. The other dudes explain it to him.

The ladies assign Lindsay as front of house, because she’s “opened many restaurants for Michelle Bernstein.” They come up with an ingredient driven, organic restaurant with a homey feel. Lindsay comes up with the name Bushel, because she loves you, a bushel and a peck, you betcher pretty neck she do. Doodle oodle oodle…

Ok, that’s not the real reason. It’s because her family used to sell peaches by bushels and half bushels. The ladies modify the name to Half Bushel. The teams continue menu planning. There’s some dire music under the girls planning, as Sarah shoots down all of Beverly’s ideas. It’s rude, but she gets points from me, though, for pointing out that beets are everywhere when Beverly excitedly suggests some sort of beet salad. Down with the death root, people. Grayson gets points from me too, for yelling “because she’s fucking good at them” when Sarah asks Beverly why she’d want to make short ribs again.

Then they head out to Garden Ridge and Sur la Table to shop. The boys buy space dividers to break the space up and make it intimate. The girls look for warm, tranquil, and inviting décor.

Next they hit Whole Foods with $4000. Grayson feels bad for Beverly because none of the rest of them like her. Ponytail Chris thinks the girls are getting catty with each other. He thinks the boys are getting along better. “Boys rule, girls are just gonna lose,” he says uncleverly. Jesus, dude. That doesn’t even rhyme. Commercial.

Back. At the chefquarters at the Driskill, the chefs continue planning. Ponytail Chris calls this challenge “The Kobayashi Maru” of Top Chef. Oh, lord Jesus. I can’t decide if I’m more embarrassed for him using that reference, or myself for knowing what it means even before he goes into his convoluted and super dorky explanation.

The boys go to the kitchen with 5 hours to cook and put together their restaurant. Ed seems to have flattened out his hair. He says they’re going for a “quirky mess hall look, but with elegant touches.”

Three hours and 25 minutes. Ty-lör takes us through who’s working on each course. It sounds like he and Paul are doing everything except dessert. Chris is putting together “nostalgia style desserts” that he and Ed created, and Ed is putting together the restaurant. He does a million things, then calls the waitstaff together for a meeting. Time.

The diners begin to enter. Ed wishes he had another half hour as he greets the ridiculously prompt diners. People begin eating, and a line forms because he has to put out a few fires with the staff. The chefs in the back have overlooked putting together an expediting plan, which is…pretty fundamental. Ed has to put off some diners while they get people through.

The judges enter, and Ed shows them to their table. The judges are Tom, Hugh, Emeril, and Padma in a pair of pants that I can’t decide if I find ridiculous ore awesome. On the one hand, they’re kind of like the pants Gwen Verdon wears under her skirt in “Whatever Lola Wants” in the movie version of Damn Yankees. Ergo: Awesome. On the other hand… they’re kind of like the pants Gwen Verdon wears under her skirt in “Whatever Lola Wants” in the movie version of Damn Yankees. Ergo: Ridiculous.

No, I didn’t wake up this morning planning to work in as many musical references as I possibly could. It just kind of happened.

Anyway, Ed explains their menu and the restaurant’s concept of elevating simple cuisine. In the back, Ponytail Chris says they have a lot of issues with the servers not knowing what’s going on. Emeril can tell from across the room that they’re “in the trees” with the food.

The girl chefs enter all gussied up, and Ed jokingly tells them “there’s a 6 hour wait tonight.” They get seated, and the judges are served Ty-lör ’s Thai Style Crab and Shrimp Salad, Caramel Fish Sauce and Peanuts and Paul’s “Ham & Eggs”: Ham and Pork Pâté with Mushrooms, Braised Mustard Seeds and Duck Fat Crostini. Hugh finds the shrimp and crab a little flat, though Padma says the shrimp was cooked beautifully and Tom likes the sauce. Hugh likes the Ham and Egg dish, but Emeril finds the brioche a little greasy.

Paul then takes over expediting. He regrets not stepping up from the beginning, but he didn’t want to piss people off by being bossy.

Ed presents Ty-lör and Paul’s Poached Salmon in Warm Tomato Water, Clams, Salmon Skin, Tomatillo Jam and Paul’s Crispy Skin Pork Belly with Green Apple and Sweet Potato Puree to the judges. Hugh’s salmon is missing the mushrooms the menu says it would have. Tom likes the skin on the salmon and the tomatillo salsa. Emeril wishes the pork belly had a spicy slaw or something with it. Tom was expecting more in the flavor department from Paul.

Finally, Ed brings out their dessert: his own Almond Joy Cake with Malted Chocolate Mousse and Banana Coconut Puree and Chris’s Homemade Cracker Jack, Cherries and Peanut Butter Ice Cream. Tom wonders where the coconut in his Almond Joy is, and Padma says that’s the only thing wrong with the dessert. Emeril’s not crazy about Chris’s dessert, but Tom likes it “in a wacky way.” “Chris JOOOONES,” Grayson yells at the other table, making me wonder how much wine they’ve been served.

Tom thinks they did a pretty good job for opening night. Padma then product places the “Top Chef Judges Table App” that the diners are using to rate the meal. At first I think this is something they’ve invented just for the purposes of the challenge, but no: it’s actually a thing. It looks like a Top Chef branded expansion for Foursquare, and I briefly consider buying it, except I already have way too much Top Chef branded nonsense in my house (what with the cookbooks and the Trivia Game and the I heart Fabio t-shirt and the Voltaggio bobblehead…) Anyway. In the back, the guys run through the problems they had with the challenge.

Back at the Driskill, Grayson tells the guys they look like they’ve been through war. Paul is embarrassed about how things went, because he went to private school and has always been an overachiever. Way to grab the chance to exploit that stereotype again, Bravo. Ed can only hope the girls screw up worse than they did. Commercial.

Back. The girls enter the kitchen for their five hours of prep. Lindsay start setting up the dining room quickly so she can break down her fish and set up her mise en place. She tells us she never settles for second best: in high school, she was prom queen, and in college she was at the top of her class. Oh dear. Now we’re finally getting to know Lindsay and she turns out to be one of those.

Beverly has one dish and will execute Lindsay’s halibut; Sarah and Grayson have two dishes each. Grayson and Sarah yell at each other about simplifying things. Lindsay heads out to greet the servers and walks them through some finishing tasks in the space while she goes to change. She then gives Beverly a quick demo on the halibut. Beverly says it’s not how she’d do it herself.

Time. The diners begin entering and Lindsay leads them to the tables. Sarah scolds Beverly about something like she’s her mom. It’s a little ridiculous on both sides. The judges enter and end up waiting at the host’s stand for awhile because Lindsay’s doing something in the back. They help themselves to lemonade.

The boys enter while Lindsay is seating the judges, and have a bit of a wait themselves. Ponytail Chris has taken out his ponytail in recognition of the formal nature of the event, and styled his hair in some sort of mushroomy poof instead. It is not any more flattering.

Hugh points out that the girls have shielded the kitchen so they can’t see what’s going on. Front of House continues to be a mess, and a diner tells Lindsay that her halibut was overcooked. Twelve people get backed up while she’s telling Beverly about this, and Tom points out that the room doesn’t have the energy the guys’ did last night.

Eventually, the judges get their appetizers. Grayson has made a Peach Salad with Pickled Shallots, Bacon Vinegarette and Candied Pistachios, which sounds just amazing – it’s like someone went and made a salad of all my favorite things. Sarah has made a Mozzarella Filled Arancino, Sweet and Sour Eggplant and Celery Salad, which contains all of my remaining favorite things that Grayson didn’t manage to work into the salad. Confession: I’ve been making risotto once every few weeks lately, and it’s not so much because I love risotto… it’s because making risotto one night gives you the perfect excuse to make arancini the next. Tom likes her caponata puree, and he also enjoyed Grayson’s peach salad. The guy chefs agree that it’s simple but good.

The judges are waiting for the main course. Hugh suspects Lindsay is beating heads against the wall in the back. The girls all scream at each other, and Sarah has the feeling she gets “right before the kitchen goes down in flames.” Beverly says that Lindsay is “seriously bullying” her by taking a lot of time telling her what to do instead of making things run smoothly outside. Jesus Christ, woman, grow a pair. How has someone who acts like such a delicate fucking flower all the time managed to survive two days in any kitchen?

Lindsay finally tells the judges about the main courses: Beverly’s Braised Short Ribs with Thai Basil Potato Puree, Apple Slaw and Kim Chi and her own Grilled Halibut with Spanish Chorizo, Fennel and Sherry Salad. Tom thinks the flavors in the halibut are too subtle, and it’s a little over done. Grayson finds Lindsay’s tone bitchy and she begins to feel like she wasn’t the right choice for front of house. Hugh thinks Beverly’s short rib is the most flavorful thing he’s had in two days. At the guy’s table, Chris Jones says its’ the best dinner he’s had since he got there. “Thanks Chris,” Ed says drily.

Lindsay comes out with Grayson’s Schaum Torte With Vanilla Meringue and Champagne Berries and Sarah’s Hazelnut Cream Italian Donuts with Banana Sugar Glaze. Tom finds the donuts a little heavy, and Hugh says they’re leaden. Hugh also finds the macerating liquid on Grayson’s torte a bit much, but Tom would drink the liquid with a spoon.

Lindsay goes back to the kitchen pissed because her fish has been so fucked up. The judges discuss the two restaurants, and the feeling seems to be that the guys were better with the service while the girls were better with the food. So it’s really going to come down to which factor they decide to weight more heavily: will this be Top Chef or Top Maitre d’? Commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs sit around in the stew room talking about the experience and how humbling it was. Grayson never wants to do it again.

Is anyone watching this Chef Roble nonsense? He looks like a dick.

Back for real. Beverly feels like Lindsay was taking things out on her. Lindsay apologizes if she handled it badly, but again blames Beverly for fucking up her dish. Beverly and Sarah fight over how much Lindsay helped, with Sarah saying that Lindsay helped Beverly conceptualize her dish, and Beverly listing every component of her dish and saying that it was her idea.

Padma enters and calls the ladies back. Padma asks Lindsay about the problems with the front of the house. After asking them if they thought they did better than the guys, Padma congratulates them, because they’re the winners.

Tom tells Grayson everything in her peach salad was done perfectly, and Hugh says it was spot on. Emeril loved Sarah’s caponata. He and Padma compliment Beverly’s short ribs, and then Tom tells Lindsay the fish was slightly overcooked.

Hugh announces that the winner is… Beverly. Grayson hugs her awkwardly but graciously, the other two look pissed. She gets a bottle of wine and a trip to the Terlato vineyards. Beverly is amazed that “the underdog – me” won against the other chefs. Ugh. I would be a lot more sympathetic to Beverly if I didn’t find her such a moist, unctuous sot. I really think she wants to be the underdog – I have to wonder how much she’s actually just positioned herself that way in some sort of bid for sympathy.

The girls return to the kitchen and call back the guys. Sarah tells Lindsay they wouldn’t be in the winners circle if it wasn’t for her, and she deserves as much praise. Beverly and Grayson shake their heads behind the other girls’ backs.

Padma tells the guys that based on the Top Chef Judges Table Ratings App ™ and their own opinions, they were the least favorite. Tom tells Ty-lör his dish was too mild. Hugh says the components of the salmon dish were good, but they didn’t work together. Tom liked the concept of Paul’s Ham & Eggs, but the crouton was oily. Tom then asks Chris J. why he did so little when Paul did so much. Hugh says his dish looked like “a jumbled mess in the bowl.” Tom asks Ed where the coconut was, and Ed tells him about two coconut elements – a powder on the side and something on the bottom. “It wasn’t enough coconut!” Tom insists.

The judges send the men back and talk. Paul’s pork belly didn’t amount to anything, and he seemed surprised that the crouton didn’t work. Ed’s dessert was probably the best dish on that team. Chris didn’t give them much, but Tom enjoyed the actual dish. He’s the only one, though, and Emeril thinks the presentation was horrible. Padma points out that he’s the only one who didn’t try to help out once things got fucked up, but Tom points out that every time someone tried to help, things got more fucked up. Ty-lör ’s dishes were both underseasoned. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells the guys that Restaurant Wars is difficult, and they may not have realized how difficult it was. Ed’s service was spotty and his Almond Joy didn’t have enough coconut. Ty’s dishes missed the mark. Chris did one dish and that’s it. Paul took a lot upon himself, but made a lot of mistakes. They all get an F in terms of organization, and any of them could go home for “this mess that was called Canteen.”

Padma tells Ty-lör to pack his knives and go. NOOOOOO. He’s the only one left I really like! He tells the other chefs he was honored to work with them, and the camera that he’s glad his dad is still alive to see this step in his career.

Next! Charlize Theron! I’m gonna have maggots. Bring me more heart. They want it to be wicked nasty. ERIC RIPERT!!!! Yay.

And over in the Last Chance Kitchen…Nyesha says Ty-lör is one of the chefs she’s really wanted to go against (the other being Heather, who she defeated handily) because “that kid was really rude to me.” She adds later that she has a “personal vendetta” against him because he made an enemy out of her. Yikes. Anyway, they each have to make a dessert in 30 minutes, using a former contestant as a sous chef. Nyesha picks Heather, since she and Ty-lör have worked together before AND she’s a pastry chef. Ty-lör picks Malibu Chris. Ultimately, Nyesha’s Coconut and Lime Tarte with Coconut Crème Fraiche Mousse and a Salted Caramel Sauce beats Ty-lör ’s “Black Forrest” Salted Puff Pastry, Dark Chocolate Mascarpone Cream, Cherries and Vanilla Bean Rum Caramel Sauce, though Tom declares both “restaurant ready desserts.” So Nyesha has defeated four chefs, and if she beats three more she’s back in the competition.

Project Runway All Stars: So...that happened.

2012-01-06T07:37:00.000Z

Oh dear, Elisa
Shine on you crazy diamond
You fabric spitter

I don’t know about this one, kids.

Maybe it was first night jitters, or maybe it was the victim of high expectations, or maybe it was because we spent a lot of the evening going “wait, was she on the season with the girl whose designs all had camel toe?” “No, she was on the season with bitch Kenley.” Or maybe it was because it was bad editing (and if so, that’s criminal because they held this joint back from its intended November launch date, and still this was the best cut job they could come up with?), or maybe it’s because the new judges just ain’t the old judges.

But that? It all seemed a little bit lackluster to me.

Anyway, without getting heavily into preface, Elisa went home, and that’s exactly what I’ve predicted from the first moment the cast was announced. Everyone else in this season was in the top 4 or 5 of their original season; most were in the finales. Elisa was clearly brought along as a curiosity, here to spit on some fabric in the hopes of blessing the season into success and originality, and then be tastefully ushered off stage. So…thanks for playing, kiddo.

For the rest of it… I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt. For now. For now. I’m not going to get too judgey after only an hour. I’m going to wait and see.

But I will say I don’t feel sanguine. As I said at the beginning, I don’t know about this one, kids.

Let’s see if we can parse out why, shall we?

The show begins in the usual way, by showing some of the contestants converging on a location. The soundbites we hear are less biographical and more “I want to win this time,” because we already know these people (and, apparently, couldn’t have guessed that they want to win this time rather than losing again). Anyway, we see:

Mondo, who you may remember from getting totally robbed in Season 8, or that time I made him paella (fuck yes, I made Mondo paella. Did I not mention that? Hm. How strange). He tells us that he got his heart broken last time. He is wearing some problematic leather short shorts.

He encounters and embraces Michael Costello, who you may remember from being in the same season as Mondo, and crying a great deal.

We then see Mila, who you may remember from color blocking everything she could lay her hands on in Season 7. She thinks she’s the best. Also from Season 7, we have Anthony, who you may remember from being the butt of all my Tyler Perry jokes. He’s learned not to second guess himself.

Tripping merrily through the list, we see Jerell, who you may remember from having a name I was chronically unable to spell correctly in Season 5. He plans on winning “the sash and the tiara” this time. Imagine his disappointment when he finds out that the prize is just a crapload of cash and some business opportunities.

Next we see Elisa, who you may remember from spitting on her fabric in Season 4. She tells us she wants to win this time. Then there’s Austin, who you may remember from Season 1, or from his more recent show with Santino. He informs us that he puts the star in All Star.

After that we see Kenley, who you may remember from ripping off a lot of established designers to make it all the way to the finale in Season 5, or her stank bitch attitude, or the fact that she threw a cat at her boyfriend. She says a few things that are intended to indicate growth, but then caps it all with “screw everyone else,” because she’s there to win.

Then there’s also Kara, who you may remember from being South African in Season 2; Sweet P, who you may remember from her guest appearance on Top Chef Masters or from purportedly having an alter-ego known as “Mean P” during Season 4; Rami, who you may remember from draping everything in Season 4; Gordana, who you may remember from being hated by Heidi in Season 6; or April, who you may remember from making a beach diaper in Season 8. We don’t hear anything from them, but presumably they’re all here to win this time/ show how much they’ve grown/ put the “oj” in Project Runway as well.

They all converge on Limelight, where they’re greeted by Angela Lindvall. You may want to imagine that this is a soap opera, and as she appears, the camera freezes on her for a moment as the deep voiced announcer intones “The role of Heidi will now be played by Angela Lindvall” (side note: the first episode of One Life To Live I ever saw was the one where “the role of Sheila Price will now be played by Stephanie E. Williams.” This has been on my mind a lot lately. We’ll talk more about that next week).

Anyway, Angela welcomes them, and explains some of the differences between the usual Project Runway and the All Stars goat rodeo they’ve turned up for this time. There’ll still be one elimination and one winner each week, but this time the winner will not get immunity for the next week. She then rattles off the list of prizes the final winner will receive. To Jerrel’s great disappointment, they do not include a sash and a tiara. They do, however, include:

· * Your own boutique in select Neiman-Marcus stores and at Neiman-Marcus.com.

· *A fashion spread in Marie Claire magazine.

· *A position as a guest editor of Marie Claire magazine for one year

· *A shitload of professional grade sewing equipment from Brother

· *$100,000 of technology from HP and Intel

· *$100,000 in cash courtesy of L’Oreal.

…for a grand total of about half a million dollars.

Angela then introduces them to the All Star judges. The role of Nina will now be played by Georgina Chapman, aka cofounder of Marchesa, aka Mrs. Harvey Weinstein, aka the boss’s wife. The role of Michael Kors will now be played by Issac Mizrahi, aka I guess there’s not going to be another episode of The Fashion Show. This is basically the television fashion competition equivalent of when Bo Brady from Days of Our Lives started playing reanimated Stefano on General Hospital.

The judges remind the designers that they were all asked to bring a recent creation that represents who they are as designers. They have 30 minutes to dress the models who are waiting backstage.

The designers rush back stage and dress their models and size each other up. Sweet P thinks that Kara is her main competition. Michael Costello thinks Sweet p is phenomenal and Rami is the best. We finally hit a commercial.

As we return, we see their fashion show. It opens with Jerell, who has made a green insect looking halter dress. Mila’s has apparently forgone making an item of clothing, choosing instead to drape her model in half a beige sheet stitched to half a black and white striped sheet.

Kenley’s model is dressed in a horrible blue gown with white netting showing, which one of my friends calls a “Puerto Rican Prom dress.” Austin continues this theme by sending out a teal bridesmaid dress. Elisa’s garment is a surprisingly beautiful sheath with a cape. It may be my favorite thing in this show (it's just below at left -- not a great shot but they didn't do a "rate the runway" gallery for the "inspiration" clothes).

Rami has made a very structural grayish cocktail dress, which was apparently inspired by the Disney Concert Hall. Gordanna has brought along one of her typical Eastern European hooker dresses, but this one has red epaulettes – it’s for an Eastern European hooker of rank. April has made a black dress.

Anthony has made a green dress—it’s cute, but still very much his typical Tyler Perry aesthetic. Michael Costello has made a piece of draped nonsense. And Mondo has made a costume for an Andrews Sister tribute group – don’t get me wrong, I like it, but it makes me want to sing “Bei Mir Bist du Schoen.”

(Ok, in all honesty pretty much everything makes me want to sing “Bei Mir Bist du Schoen,” so maybe we shouldn’t hold that against him).

Did we not see Sweet P or Kara’s looks? Did I just black out during those? If not, what is this – Top Chef, where we only show half the dishes in the early round quickfires?

Anyway. Mrs. Harvey Weinstein tells them she’s excited to see what they do next, and ships them off to their penthouse apartment at Flatotel New York. They arrive in their digs and do the typical product placement-y oohing and aahing over the space, when Michael Costello finds a remote and a note that says they should press play.

They all brace themselves for a challenge, but instead it’s a nice little video note from Giancarlo Giametti. He and Valentino wish them success and work in a plug for the Valentino virtual museum. Michael Costello cries. Then the designers all toast each other with champagne.

The next day, they meet Angela at the 99 cent store, where she does a very lackluster introduction telling them that this will be the Unconventional Materials Challenge. She reminds Austin that he won the first one in the first episode of Project Runway ever, which they can’t show a triumphant clip of because Bravo still owns all the rebroadcast rights to those seasons. Wah-wah.

Anyway, there’s an All Stars twist – the look has to be inspired by the one they showed in the show earlier in this episode. They have $100 to spend and 20 minutes to shop. And they shop, and it’s very typical and very boring, and Mondo is wearing a truly dreadful earring, and Michael and April both buy a shitload of mops, which makes Michael worry that April will kick his ass in Battle Mop Dress.

Do we have a commercial here? I think we do. Bad note taking last night. Let’s just pretend we have a commercial.

On return, Angela welcomes them to the workroom, and does a lackluster job pointing out all the HP touchpads and Neiman Marcus accessory walls and stuff. We also learn at this point that the role of Tim Gunn will be played by Joanna Coles. Seriously? That’s like the role of Victor Newman being played by Susan Lucci.

The designers get down to work. Work work work, sew sew sew, gripe gripe gripe. Anthony tells us he understands Elisa because he has a grandmother “who was committed to the crazy house.” Jerell tells Michael Costello that his and April’s dresses look exactly alike, and encourages Michael to talk to April about that.

Eventually, Joanna Coles enters. The role of Joanna Coles is apparently being played by Helen Mirren. Anyway, she wanders around doing her best Tim-thru impersonation (it’s not a very good impersonation) and mentoring the designers mentorishly. She reminds Sweet P that her job is to surprise the judges. She tells Gordana she thinks her dress will really come to life on the model. Mondo, conversely, interviews that Gordana’s dress is like Easter at a Mexican family’s house, and he hopes the model is full of candy. Then he gets his moment with Joanna, and tells her he’s not in the competitive mood yet. Elisa discusses spitting on fabric and how clients pay her to do this because it’s some sort of blessing.

Joanna slithers out of the room, and Disaster strikes: Austin’s glue gun has melted through the plastic overlay of his dress, leaving a big hole right in the front. We get a few moments of freaking out before they have to leave.

Fade to the next day and the model fittings. Austin is wearing some sort of diaphanous do-rag, like he’s trying to out-Mondo Mondo. Seriously, with the do-rag and the Dali-stache and the Season One bona fides, it’s like he wants to remind all of us that he was Mondo before there was a Mondo.

They do the product placement thing with the hair and makeup, and we get to see that Handlebar Moustache Man is still in the make up room. That’s reassuring: the role of Handlebar Moustache Man is still being played by Handlebar Moustache Man. It’s like how Erika Slezak has been Viki since the late ‘60s, even if they have replaced all of the actors playing her husbands and children six million times each, including that one summer when there were three different Kevins between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Angela gives them a distinctly non-Heidilike welcome, and tells them that the role of the guest judge will be played by Ken Downing of Neiman Marcus. Let’s start the show!

Austin’s spacey teal dress is first, followed by Kara’s look, which is a black skirt and a coral top. Jerrel has made another insectish dress (left), but I mean that in the best way – it’s awesome, and it really speaks to his other look.

The only thing I have written down for Elisa’s look is “oh jesus.” I will allow you to come up with your own descriptions of it and leave them in the comments.

Rami has made a plaid suiting-look look. It’s stiff, but I like it. Sweet P has made a crappy looking maxi dress in a variety of colors. Mondo has made a cute ruffled thing. Kenley’s look (right) is like a cigarette girl’s uniform from a movie set in a ‘40s nightclub, but I like it.

Gordana has made a white plouffy dress that’s a bit Tina Turner/Proud Mary. Anthony has made a purple dress that my friends describe as “Atlanta Vaginal” (they said some much crasser things first, but I made them tone it down). Mila has made another piece of striped junk.

We finish with Michael Costello’s Mop-Head halter dress (left), and April’s Mop-Head gown (at right, just below). Both are really good. The lesson of the episode is that Mop-Heads work.

Angela calls Austin, Mila, April, Anthony, Kara, Kenley, and Michael Costello. They are all safe. The others have the highest and lowest scores, and Angela tells them “one of you will be named this week’s winner, and one of you will be going home.”

It just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?

The judges start running through the looks with Rami. Isaac thinks he has an edge in terms of execution, and Ken Downing thinks he transformed his materials. Moving to Sweet P, Isaac thinks it looks ragged and unfinished, and that the cut outs look like “chew outs.” Ken Downing says it makes the model look bigger.

Moving to Jerell, Georgina tells him it moved beautifully and is wearable. Isaac says his pattern is a nice “alternative to neutral.” Georgina wants to know more about the writing on Elisa’s garment. Elisa natters some stuff about sacred geometry. The judges nod and move along, because they’re terrified.

Georgina tells Mondo his dress is fun, and Ken downing feels it’s flawlessly executed. He’d love to see it done in “real fabric” Isaac agrees that it’s got a great sense of proportion. Finishing up with Gordana, Isaac thinks the texture looks divine, but Georgina thinks it has too many elements/ideas.

The designers scurry off and the judges deliberate and none of it is interesting, so let’s just speed through to the commercial.

Back. Angela reminds them that “one of you will be named this week’s winner, and one of you will be going home.” It’s just awkward.

Anyway, they tell Jerell he’s safe, and Mondo and Rami that they have the highest scores. Rami wins, and Mondo is in. Gordana is also safe.

So it’s Sweet P or Elisa. Sweet p has a lot of talent but needs to listen to her instincts. Elisa’s designs need to speak for themselves instead of being explained in whackadoo terms like “sacred geometry.”

Naturally, Sweet P is in and Elisa is out.

This season: Hopefully that dodgeball will hit them in the face. When will the judges notice that she just makes one dress? UN! Miss Piggy! Is she an All Star, that’s what I’d like to know. And a bunch of other shit.

Top Chef: Handsome Is As Handsome Does

2012-01-05T07:26:00.000Z

Goodbye, Handsome Chris
You good looking ole’ bastard
Wait, what did you cook?

Welcome back, my little cheese crackers! Did you have a delightful Christmas and/or Hanukkah? A nice Kwanzaa and/or Solstice? A Happy New Year? Good times with your family? A pleasant week off from Top Chef?

I did – I went to St. Louis and got to eat Toasted Ravioli and have lunch at Steak ‘n’ Shake and both give and receive an embarrassing amount of Cardinals’ World Championship gear. Oh, and spend time with my loved ones.

Anyway, now the idyll is over, and we’re back where we left off—in Texas, with the chefs, and more often than not standing around in a field somewhere. And Handsome Chris is out, and while part of me is bummed (he was by far my favorite of the two Chrises. By FAR), I cannot argue with it. Well… ok, maybe I could pick some bones over why he, and not someone else on his team, is out this week, since it seems like they all did a pretty crap job (and Beverly even almost set the trailer on fire at one point). But his cooking has never really stood out –- he pretty much just stood around, handsoming handsomely, and got lost at the centre-bottom of the pack.

The challenge itself…it was barbeque. They’re in Texas. The inevitability alone renders it uninteresting; the fact that they spent the majority of the episode standing around pits not discernibly using any technique made it coma-inducing. And then there’s the fact that the made this stupid thing 15 minutes longer than it needed to be...seriously. I hate the super sized episodes.

The Modernist Cuisine quickfire should’ve redeemed the episode in terms of interestingness, but it seems like it got short shrift in favor of showing extended shots of the sun coming up and the chefs empty bunks.

Anyway. The morning is passing swiftly, and I absolutely have to wash my hair today, so let’s just get this over with so I can get about my day. One order of business, though: Despite everything – despite the way last season went, and the way it ended, and the fact that I bailed on the last episode to watch Game 6 of the World Series (holla) and then never got around to watching the stupid thing, much less writing a recap of it…I will be attempting to recap Project Runway: All Stars. I want to see Kenley get her comeuppance and Mondo get a victory, and hopefully learn the answer to the mystery of just when Austin Scarlett turned into Salvador Dali. We’ll see if that holds up or if I give up in disgust/boredom again.

Night. Chefquarters at the Driskill Hotel. The chefs are talking about Heather, and what her ouster means for the phase of the competition they’re in, and then Edward brings up how she won two recipes on his cake recipe. Sarah thinks his bringing this up shows a dark side, but whatever. Ponytail Chris responds to a knock at the door, and a room service cart with Modernist Cuisine on it is rolled in. Their homework is to study up on the books. They flip through, and wonder what the challenge will be. Beverly stays up late looking at them because she’s Asian, and god forbid they pass up the opportunity to show her working hard and overachieving. Erm… I mean because she’s “not going to go down without trying [her] best”.

The next day at Cordon Bleu they’re greeted by Padma and the author of Modernist Cuisine, Nathan Myhrvold. Geez, even his name fits with his philosophy – you think there’s going to be an E in there somewhere but no! It’s an H! (and probably some blood orange gelée) Their quickfire is to create a dish that illustrates the concept of Modernist Cuisine. The winning chef gets immunity, AND a copy of the book, which is awesome because the book costs like five hunny. They have 45 minutes to cook.

Modernist food flurry. Ponytail Chris thinks this is his best chance to win. He’s doing a Miracle Berry taste. Ty-lör thinks Ponytail Chris’s table looks like the Nutty Professor. (ooh, pasting that imdb link in there makes me realize that Ponytail Chris does actually look a bit like the picture of Jerry Lewis on the cover) He’s going for a simpler serving involving a cube of watermelon and olive oil in some unexpected form. Paul can’t even say molecular gastronomy. Grayson admits that Modernist Cuisine is not her forte, so she’s making tarragon dill “caviar” since that’s the only “magic” she knows.

Beverly is foaming curry cream. Sarah is making an egg-yolk filled ravioli for a new take on pasta. Handsome Chris thinks he’s a Modern person, because he paints a lot of pop-art-esque naked ladies and has a “Modern” apartment. This is dude-bro code for “owns a lot of IKEA furniture that he had the delivery guys assemble rather than putting it together himself”. Five minutes. Time! Ponytail Chris thinks he’s the winner

Padma and Nathan begin tasting with Beverly’s Curry Whipped Cream, Flash Steamed Clams and Mussels, Mango Chili, Cucumber, Radish. She shoots them in the pants and skirt with her foam, in what is clearly some sort of Modernist take on premature ejaculation. It’s horribly embarrassing for everyone involved, so we cut to commercial to get away from it.

Back. Nathan helps Beverly fix the foamer. If Top Chef was a movie, I’d call this scene rife with symbolism. They finally taste the dish, and then move on to Sarah who presents her Breakfast Raviolo, Pancetta and an Egg Yolk. Next we have Edward’s Compressed Watermelon and Brunoise of Radishes , Salmon Belly Sashimi, Orange Pulp. Grayson’s Trout Sashimi with Dill Caviar, Pickled Watermelon, Cucumber and Radish is next. Ty-lör explains his Watermelon with Vanilla Bean Honey, Saffron and Salted Olive Oil Powder. Yum. Lindsay has made Marinated Baby Octopus, Sea Beans with Togarashi. Handsome Chris has done a play on Risotto Foam, Scallops, Brown Butter Dust. Oh, double yum. I’m on such a risotto kick lately, I can’t even explain. Nathan says it’s terrific.

Paul explains his Endive Salad with an Egg Yolk. Ponytail Chris gushes over Nathan like he’s a 19-year-old Jordan Baker meeting Ben Vereen at a university dance concert (shut up), and then walks them through his dish: Miracle Berry, Deconstructed Cheesecake, Pellegrino Sparkling Water with Lemon and Lime. Paul thinks the whole miracle berry thing is gimmicky.

Nathan’s least favorites were Paul, who’s dish lacked depth of flavor; Beverly, who’s dish didn’t stand out; and Grayson, whose dish was very simple, and the elements weren’t enough to back it up.

He liked Ty-lör’s spices and use of maltodextrin. Sarah’s ravioli works in the right context. And Ponytail Chris’s dish was very nicely staged.

And the winner is… Ty-lör! YAY!!!!! I’m pleased because I love him and because I HATE Ponytail Chris! (for no real reason, I realize. It’s not like he’s done anything. I just hate his face and his ponytail SO MUCH) Ty-lör is excited to have won the books by cooking for the author, and to have immunity.

Padma tells them that for the elimination challenge, they’ll move from the modern to the most traditional kind of cooking in Texas: Barbeque. Sarah reminds us again that she’s from Texas, and loves to grill. Padma tells us that Nathan is a winner of the World BBQ championships in Memphis. Edward wonders if there’s anything Nathan can’t do, and calls him a “weird Renaissance man who’s been dropped in from outer space.”

Padma instructs the chefs to split themselves into three teams of three. Lindsey doesn’t want to work with Beverly, because she feels like she’s the downfall of her past teams. Sarah doesn’t want to work with Ed, but does want to work with Ty-lör, so she hops onto their team.

They’ll be serving at The Salt Lick, which will apparently make Sarah’s fiancé jealous. They’ll have all night to cook before serving the next day, and will have to do a chicken dish, a beef brisket, and pork spareribs. They all have to go on a plate tomorrow with two sides for 300 people. Each team will have $1000 at Whole Foods and $1000 at Restaurant Depot.

So first we hit up the Whole Foods. Ty-lör is pleased to be working with Ed again. Ponytail Chris is very happy to work with Handsome Chris, and thinks Beverly is a strong cook. Paul’s team is veering away from the traditional sides -- coleslaw and beans -- which the other two teams have defaulted to. Ed points out that Sarah’s Texas accent is getting thicker by the minute. He finds this annoying. For once I’m on Sarah’s side – my own accent shifts regions if I stay in the same place for more than a day. I can’t imagine what would happen if I was hearing my home accent while living under stressful situations (like Top Chef stressful situations, not like normal family Christmas stressful situations).

They then head to Restaurant Depot for their meat. Handsome Chris buys Dr. Pepper for their sauce. Lindsay is staggered by the amount of protein they’re buying. Commercial.

Back. The chefs pull up to the Salt Lick and can smell the Barbeque. Owner Scott Roberts shows them around, demonstrating how they cook with live oak and “sauce it up like that.” And then they get to try the Barbeque, which looks amazing. Paul gets nervous, because he doesn’t know how they’re going to make Barbeque this good.

Scott then gets to do a product placement moment by hopping in a Toyota tundra full of wood and leading the chefs over to the Barbecue pits. Then he leaves them there, in the dark, at 10:18 p.m. with just the wood and their wits. Ty-lör puts a “if this truck’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’” sign on their trailer.

Cooking in the dark flurry. Ty-lör is glad to have immunity, but is pushing himself to redeem his beef skills from the challenge at Southfork. Handsome Chris is wearing a wife beater. Beverly nearly sets their trailer on fire with the Bourbon she’s put in the sauce. Handsome Chris says Beverly is book smart but “when it comes to common sense, it just seems like she’s missing a few chapters.”

Lindsay says Paul is the visionary behind their team’s food. Ty-lör doesn’t think their “Asian-style” Barbeque will be well received by the Texas crowd. 3:08 a.m. The blue team’s brisket collapsed into the smoker, but fortunately they were wrapped in foil so they can be salvaged.

Ponytail Chris is cooking beer can chicken. It’s 6:30 in the morning. Bunks are unslept in. 3 hours to service. Ponytail Chris talks to his chicken. Then he sings to it. “Beer can chicken on an open pit,” he croons softly. Handsome Chris says that as the sun comes up, the heat from the pits feels like sitting on the surface of the sun.

Tom thru. He asks about the elements of the white team’s food, including the beer can chicken and the glaze on the ribs. Ty-lör points out that the red team has “Texas, Kentucky, and Kansas City” represented, so they should have the Barbeque locked down. Grayson on the blue team is so slappy from exhaustion that she can’t stop talking, and tells Tom their food will be like “sex in the mouth.”

Tom tells them that to make up for the lack of sleep, the winning team will get $15K. Edward says it reignites them a bit to hear about that.

Food Flurry. Ponytail Chris takes the beer cans out of his chickens. Handsome Chris is worried about their spareribs. The blue team’s fire is a little low, and Lindsay is having trouble cooking their Brussels Sprouts. Sarah moves away from the fire because she’s having trouble with the smoke, and tells her team she needs a medic. The medic brings her one of the bags that drops from the ceiling of the airplane, and asks her questions about what month it is. Then he says “call it,” and an ugly yellow truck with sirens pulls up. Ty-lör tells her to “let it go. Me and Ed got this shit.” The medics cart her out on a stretcher, but she’s sitting up. Commercial.

Back. 30 minutes to Service. Tom approaches Ed and Ty-lör and tells them they’re on their own. Ed says if it was him, he would’ve pushed through it. There’s no way they can cut to order with a 2 man team, so they’re scrambling to finish the portions and the beans and everything. A tray of meat falls off a hotel cart as they’re running. Edward says that what they’re doing is “the opposite of BBQ” because you end up steaming the meat instead of smoking it, but it’s that or have nothing.

Service starts and people rush in and form a huge line. Ponytail Chris does a stupid truffle shuffle of a dance while he’s serving. Ty-lör stresses about the fact that he and Ed are doing “2100 plate strokes” (7 elements for 300 people) with “four hands.”

A blues band starts playing. People are dancing. An adorable baby in a gingham shirt gnaws a rib. The judges enter.

They begin with the Blue Team’s (Paul, Grayson, Lindsay) Smoked Brisket with Bourbon BBQ Sauce, Curry BBQ Chicken, Caramel Miso Pork Rib, Watermelon Salad and Nouc Mam. Paul admits that their Barbecue is kind of out there. The judges try the chicken first. Padma loves it. Nathan says “it’s not very smokey, but very good tasting.” Tom doesn’t like their brisket, and says their Brussels Sprouts are undercooked. Scott loves their cilantro/watermeloncombo.

Next up is the White Team’s (Chris, Chris, Beverly) Smoked Brisket with Spiced Barbeque Sauce, Sweet N Sticky Pork Ribs with Dr. Pepper Glaze, Pit Roasted Beer Can Chicken, Coleslaw and Bourbon Baked Beans. Nathan says it’s a good roast chicken, but he’s not sure if it’s a Barbecue flavor. Gail says the beans aren’t cooked, and Tom thinks their ribs are really salty. They do like their coleslaw and their watermelon drink – though Gail thinks it needs a shot of gin. Everyone else makes fun of her for being Canadian, and says what it really needs is tequila.

Sarah wanders back in to the dining room and asks where she can jump in. Edward is irritated. He doesn’t even want her to jump in and disrupt the system they’ve developed. The judges come over and hear about their food, which was apparently so uninteresting that the Bravo interns couldn’t be arsed to provide a description of it. Thanks, interns! The plate is much sparser looking than the other teams’. Sarah gets overheated again once the judges have their food, and goes to sit again. Edward gets even more pissed.

Nathan thinks their chicken is well cooked and flavorful, and Scott likes their sauce. Gail likes the flavor of the ribs, but not the texture. Padma says their brisket has the best flavor of any team, but Nathan and Scott think it suffered from being sliced too early. The band starts playing again as the teams hug.

Ty-lör feels physically ill by the end of service. He and Ed talk about what they’ll do if they have to repurpose their Barbecue. Ed’s concerned that he could be the one who goes home because of Ty’s immunity and Sarah’s illness. Commercial.

Fakeback. Grayson talks about how much she loves camping, and sings some sort of moronic song about frogs.

Back. Padma calls the blue team back. No one knows what this means. I don’t know what this means, for once, and I’ve been watching. A legitimate nail biter – how rare. But anyway. They head out to this week’s impromptu Judges’ Table, which is out in the back yard or something, and learn that they served the judges favorite Barbecue! Yay! Tom wants the recipe for the chicken. Gail says the brisket was heads and tails above the others. They’ll share $15,000, which brings Paul’s total to $35K. WOW. Padma asks them to send back the other two teams.

They all file out into the yard. Padma begins with Sarah. Tom says her chicken lacked the smoke flavor, and Nathan says some of it was a bit rubbery. Ty-lör feels bad. Gail says the seasoning in his ribs was heavy handed, and the texture was off. Tom thinks their coleslaw actually started to ferment. Tom thinks the brisket was on the steam table too long and turned rubbery. Edward explains that they had to scramble because they were down by one. Sarah says she wishes she’d been there to help them set up the line.

Moving to the white team, Nathan thought Beverly’s coleslaw was ok but not spectacular. Gail wishes it had been more original, because it didn’t show who they were as chefs. Nathan says they were very conservative with the chicken, and calls it “French Grandmother” rather than Texas Barbecue. Chris J. takes the fall for cooking all the proteins, but Chris C. takes it for the Dr. Pepper sauce. Beverly gets called out again for her undercooked beans. The chefs are dismissed

Padma says both teams failed on all their proteins, and puts the white team’s failure on Chris Jones. Nathan disagrees and puts it on “the middle Chris” for preparing the rub. And Beverly’s beans was undercooked.

Tom wishes they could send Ty-lör home. Ed made bad—but not inedible – brisket. Sarah’s chicken was better than the white team’s chicken, but “not by a big margin.” They reach a decision. Commercial.

Ulch, this episode is supersized. Hate it. Haaaate it.

Back. The chefs in the bottom teams all come out and stand in a field where Tom tells them what they’ve done badly. Sarah’s chicken skin was rubbery. Ed’s brisket was steamed. Ty-lör has immunity. Ponytail Chris’s grilling missed the mark. Handsome Chris made the world’s worst marinade. Beverly sat back and didn’t have a point of view.

Padma tells… Handsome Chris to pack his knives and go. He regrets not stepping up in the group and taking charge. He feels like he’s become more comfortable in his own style by being there.

Next! We’ve been waiting for this! It’s restaurant wars. Boys vs. Girls. Where are the mushrooms? Nightmare. We’re trying to simplify our dishes Grayson. I have a feeling that there are heads being beaten against a wall in the back.

And in Last Chance Kitchen… Handsome Chris faces off against two time chance Nyesha in making a dish using ingredients they’ll buy with $20 at a gas station. It’s a challenge that doubles as an opportunity for them to jump into a Toyota Prius and show off the navigation system, and the fact that they went to a gas station and didn’t even need gas! Jesus. Ultimately her Beer Glazed Pork Sausage with a Pork Rind Twill and Chili Cheese Sauce beats his Togarashi Spiced Tomato Soup with Spicy Pork Rinds Grilled Cheese with Ham and Pickle. The judging is interesting because when Tom asks the eliminated chefs for feeback, Dakota touts Nyesha’s dish in a big way – she’s still clearly working overtime to make up for getting her bounced in the first place.

Top Chef: Happiness at the Misfortune of Heather? That IS German!

2011-12-22T07:27:00.000Z

Get lost, Heather
Your beef tasted like Bigfoot
And you were a dick.

She’s gone, my little partridges in pear trees! That loathsome woman is gone! It’s a Festivus Miracle!

I don’t remember the last time I was so pleased and surprised by a Top Chef outcome. For one thing, I was positive – POSITIVE – that Grayson was going home. I had typed “Padma tells….” and my finger was hovering above the “G” key. And I couldn’t have called that a poor choice either – it sounded like there were some serious problems with her dish.

But THEN. THEN, my Lords a Leaping! She said “Heather” instead, and a beam of light shone down from the heavens, and the angel choir started singing, and that weird, angry toadlike blight was removed from our TV forever! Or (spoiler alert!) at least until the reunion.

Either way, Ladies Dancing, it felt like a big, wet, under the mistletoe kiss from the Bravo Elves right to us. And now we can go back to being slightly irritated at Beverly’s weepiness instead of feeling bad for her because Heather and her six million metric tons of rage is looming at her around every corner.

At the same time, I’m a bit concerned. As rob pointed out in last week’s comments, the show chugs along better when there’s a villain. And now that pulsating rage monkey Heather has gone, who will fill that row? Chris J. and his Evil Ponytail of Evil? Lindsay and her strange ability to be invisible for all except 7 seconds per episode? Chris C. and his Horrible Handsomeness?

Not Ed and his jaw tic, universe, please. Not Ed and not Ty-lör with his sinister moustache and even more sinister umlaut. And surely not Paul, even though we now know he used to be a pot dealer with dogs that pooped everywhere. And surely not sweet Midwestern Grayson. Don’t make them evil, universe. I quite like all of them.

Anyway. The challenge itself was…meh. When you think back to something like the All Star Seasons’s Ellis Island challenge, and see the potential an inspiration/homage challenge has to produce great things both in terms of emotional television and in terms of really fucking kickass food, it was a bit of a letdown. Patti LaBelle was pretty hilarious, though, which I wouldn’t necessarily have expected.

Let’s see how it went, shall we?

We open where we left off, still in the kitchen at the Lonesome Dove. Beverly thinks that Heather crossed the line and misinterpreted her humbleness as weakness. Padma glides into the room in the same bizarre getup she had on last week, and tells them to pack their bags because they’re going to Austin.

Sarah is excited because Austin is a really fun city. Conversely, Paul feels pressure because it’s his city.

Back at the cheftel, they pack up and hit the road in their product placement vehicles for some more moving/enforced togetherness time. Ed and Ponytail Chris ask Heather about her type of dude. Grayson tells us that Handsome Chris’s nickname is “Malibu” because he’s so pretty. Ty-lör looks unimpressed with their dull, heteronormative conversation.

The chefs hit Austin and move into the Driskill Hotel, which looks pretty fucking badass. And they apparently give your pet a souvenir pet toy if you bring them! This is almost enough to make me want to go to Texas, except not at all.

The chefs speculate about what awaits them in Austin. “Me as a guest judge,” Paul jokes. Then he tells us about how he used to sell drugs and decided to go to culinary school once after he woke up and his house was a mess and his dogs had shit everywhere. Wait…what? Think about all the “hard life led me to cooking” stories we’ve heard over the years, Maids a Milking. All the “I was running with a bad crowd, getting in trouble.” All the “I would be dead on the streets now if cooking hadn’t saved me.” Have any of them ever – EVER – referenced waking up to a scene of chaos and dog shit as a primary motivation?

This only makes me love Paul more, though. Dog shit has probably turned around more lives than we’ll ever know – at least he’s honest about it.

They scuttle off to the Cordon Bleu kitchen in Austin, and head to the kitchen for the quickfire. There, Padma and Tom await them. This quickfire is based on suggestions from Twitter followers – Tom has tweeted out a request for ideas and ingredients, and he and Padma will choose their favorites for the chefs to work with. I remember seeing this on Twitter this summer! I did not participate. The winning chef takes home $10,000 but not immunity.

The first task the Twitter gods give them is to cook a dish with bacon. The Twitter gods are benevolent and generous gods, I guess, because that’s a big ole’ softball. The chefs run around making their bacon dish, and Tom tweets a request for “twists” to the fans.

Beverly is cooking bacon in a pressure cooker, which she hasn’t used before. Ponytail Chris is keeping his dish flexible because he expects twists. And he’s right to do so -- the first one that the Twitter gods bestow on them is to do a “hash” for a hashtag challenge. They have to incorporate a hash element with 28 minutes left to go.

Grayson is “very German” so she thinks on her feet and makes potato pancakes. The Twitter gods decree a second twist: pick any pantry ingredient and give it to someone else to use in their dish. Handsome Chris gives Lindsay Sriracha so she gives him Maple syrup. Ponytail Chris and Beverly trade lemon for butter. Lindsay rags on Handsome Chris about not even opening the Sriracha for her. Ty-lör gives Ed Sriracha and Ed gives Ty-lör a scallion. Grayson is pureeing a tomatillo that someone gave her to use as a sauce. Time! Commercial.

Back. Tom and Padma begin tasting the dishes with Beverly’s Crispy Pork Belly with Corn, Bell Pepper, Habanero, and Potato Hash. Next is Chris J’s Corn Pure [sic, Bravo Interns] with Bacon, Potato Hash and Seared Scallop. Tom finds it salty. Heather has made Smoked Paprika Quail with Bacon Jam and Leek Hash. Ed’s is Potato Hash with Bacon and Soft Shell Crab Deglazed in Sriracha.

Sarah has made a Burrata Stuffed Squash Blossom with Bacon and Zucchini Hash. Yum. Chris C.’s is Bacon-Wrapped Monkfish with Potato, Leek, and Bacon Hash. Tom thinks the maple syrup works really well. Grayson’s dish is Shrimp Puff with Crispy Bacon Hash Cake, but apparently it’s insufficiently puffy. Ty-lör has made Maple-Glazed Bacon with Bacon and Kale Hash. Pauls’ is Bacon Fat, Crispy Bacon, Blackberries, Chorizo and Mushroom Hash. Padma says it’s “very interesting.”

Tom says the food was pretty exciting. His least favorites were Grayson’s “wet mousse” of shrimp, Chris J.’s salty dish, and Ed’s bitter dish.

The standouts were Beverly, whose was subtle and good. Sarah’s was also subtle and nicely fried. Paul made a really unusual dish that worked. And the winner is… Paul! Yayyyy! Now he doesn’t have to sell drugs and have his dogs crap on things anymore (seriously, what?). This also means he’s won $30,000 so far in the competition. Tom says he should take the others for drinks sometime soon.

Back at the Hotel Driskill, they all sit in the bar, awkwardly facing in one direction with girls on one couch and boys on another, having drinks. The piano player asks them to welcome “legendary music icon, Miss Patti LaBelle.” In a weird cosmic coincidence, Swans a Swimming, Patti LaBelle was the first “across” answer in my crossword puzzle yesterday.

Patti LaBelle then sings “Lady Marmalade” for them, as Patti LaBelle presumably does when she wanders into random bars in Austin hotels. She doesn’t do that great a job of it, by the way. I mean she does better than I would, but I’m not claiming to be Patti LaBelle.

Padma walks in to ruin everything (as she is wont to do) and remind us that Patti LaBelle has written a cookbook (and has a line of sauces and marinades, apparently), and therefore is totally qualified to judge this challenge and not a weird and random choice as you might assume. Their elimination challenge is to make a dish that represents the person who was their culinary inspiration, since Patti LaBelle was inspired by her family members. Sarah cries even talking about how her grandparents taught her how to cook, because they’re getting older and won’t be around forever. This doesn’t resonate uncomfortably close with me or anything, I promise.

They’ll have two hours to cook tomorrow night before serving the judges, Patti LaBelle and her friends.

At Whole Foods, they get 30 minutes to shop. Heather learned how to cook from her mom and is making beef stroganoff as a tribute to her one-pot meals. Ponytail Chris is doing a tribute to his grandmother’s steak dinners. Grayson wants to grill as a tribute to her dad, but is worried because all the ribeye is really lean. The chefs head out. Commercial.

Back. The next morning. Everyone wakes up. Beverly chokes up about being away from her husband and son, and being bullied by Heather. The two Chrises talk about how awesome Patti LaBelle was in a way that seems totally natural and not at all staged, and then Handsome Chris tells Ponytail Chris that “crack kills,” because his pants are creeping down. Ed is making a vegetarian dish in tribute to his grandmother, even though he doesn’t usually cook vegetarian. “I got balls, and I’m gonna show ‘em,” he tells Ty-lör. I love the two of them, and I love them as friends. I hope they’re both around for awhile.

Two hours to cook. Food flurry. Paul is also being inspired by his grandmother, and is making adobo in tribute to her, but making it with quail. Handsome Chris is doing an homage (not Amish, Grayson) to fishing trips with his uncle. Beverly wouldn’t be a chef if not for her mother, so she’s making Korean braised short ribs. She’s pressure cooking them since it worked so well in the quickfire. Sarah is making stuffed cabbage with sausage as a tribute to her grandmother.

Heather’s beef is spongy, but she’s hesitant to use the pressure cooker. She goes to braise them to try and rescue it.

The diners and judges enter. The chefs plate. One of Patti LaBelle’s friends is wearing an AMAZING dress. I totally want it. Emeril tells us about his mom’s Portuguese Kale soup with chorizo. Sounds delicious.

The first dishes come out. Padma introduces Pati labelle’s friends Nadine and John, and the judges, Patti, Tom, and Emeril. Nadine! I love your dress! Call me and tell me who made it, ‘kay?

Chris introduces his Lemon-Pepper Steak with Baked Potato and Vegetable inspired by his “Mommy 2,” his grandmother. Sarah talks about her mom and introduces her Beef Stroganoff with Herb Spaetzle and Roasted Wild Mushrooms.

The diners dig in. Emeril likes Chris’s idea, but doesn’t know about using A-1 in the demi glace. I think it’s totally appropriate since it’s a tribute to the way his grandmother served it, and if I know my greatest generation-ers (and I do!) they love them some A-1 steak sauce. To me, it seems like a nice nod to her. Anyway, Patti LaBelle says the veg is excellent.

On Heather’s plate, Emeril doesn’t know what the meat used in the dish is. “It’s Bigfoot,” Patti LaBelle replies, totally deadpan. OMG, Patti LaBelle is HILARIOUS, guys. Emeril likens the dish to something served “at a banquet at one of those hotels you would drag me to.” “I don’t even want to know that story,” Padma the killjoy tells him sternly.

In the kitchen, Sarah and Paul plate and Sarah worries about her presentation. Paul presents his Quail Adobo and Ginger Rice with Green Mango Salsa, and Sarah explains her Pork Sausage Stuffed Cabbage and Spinach with Browned Butter. Tom thinks Sarah did a great job and has light, creamy flavors. Patti LaBelle likes the sweetness of the brown butter. Tom also really enjoys what Paul did, and Patti loves it despite not being a “quail girl.” Emeril asks her what she’s going to make when he and Tom come for dinner. “Fried chicken and cabbage, and macaroni with eight cheeses and lobster and shrimp.” Holy shit, Patti LaBelle’s macaroni and cheese sounds epic! Let’s ditch the rest of these wankers and go eat at her house, and then Nadine and I can go out shopping. Or maybe we should do that before Patti LaBelle’s mac ‘n’ cheese, so we don’t feel fat while we’re trying things on.

A bit of albumin comes out of Handsome Chris’s salmon. Beverly’s pleased that her dish has Korean taste without being “straight up Korean.” She introduces her Korean Braised Short Rib with Edamame Scallion Puree and Hon Shimeji Mushrooms, (holy yum bloody yum time -- I want that in my belly NOW), and Chris explains his Sockeye Salmon with Confit Potato and Brown Sugar Carrot Puree.

The table is divided on Chris’s carrot puree, but no one really likes the fish. They all fall silent with Beverly’s short ribs though, which to me is the biggest compliment you can give a dish. “What else can you ask for in a dish?” Tom asks.

Ed and Lindsay are out next. Lindsay has paid tribute to her Greek and Southern grandmothers with Trout Spanakopita with Crispy Leeks and Rainbow Trout Roe, and Ed has saluted his with “Modern Bibimbap with Lemon-Chili Sauce.” Emeril loves the crispiness of the trout and loves the roe, but thinks there’s too much butter. He thinks Ed’s dish played right into the story of his grandmother, and loved it.

Grayson is worried about her portion size – huge—compared to Ty’s. She tells the judges about eating meat and potatoes and presents her Grilled Rib Eye Steak with German Potato Salad and Grilled Vegetables. Ty-lör talks about his inspiration being his Japanese nanny, and introduces his Duck Fat-Fried Chicken Tender with Pickled Peaches. I love the sound of that dish, and I love that Ty-lör’s story is different from the barrage of moms and grandmothers we’ve been hearing about. Everyone else is all “ooh, family family family,” and he’s like “Japanese Nanny, yo. BOOM.” And I also want to hear more about Ty-lör’s upbringing now.

Anyway, Patti LaBelle thinks Ty-lör’s chicken tenders are beautiful, and Tom thinks his nanny would be proud. Patti LaBelle’s friends think Grayson’s meat was stringy and gristly.

The judges talk about how great the stories were, and how the chefs that did best were the ones who modernized the dishes and brought them to life. Commercial.

Fakeback. Ponytail Chris makes them do a cheesy toast to everyone who inspired their dishes. Blah, blah, blah. And we go back to some more Healthy Choice and War Horse commercials.

Really back. The chefs all talk about how awesome and beautiful Patti LaBelle is. Padma then enters and calls in Grayson, Heather, and Chris. Oooh, soopah twist – bottom group first.

They enter the dining room, and are greeted by stern faces. Padma tells them that they disappointed Patti LaBelle and dishonored the people they were trying to pay tribute to. For this they must die... or at least be subjected to the usual grilling from the judges.

Emeril tells Grayson her beef wasn’t trimmed, and he expected more from her. Padma says it was sinewy and sponge-y. Tom asks why she didn’t go in a more modern direction, and she says she took the challenge really literally.

Tom tells Chris his salmon was seared too hard and too fast. Emeril says the dill really overpowered what he was trying to do. Patti LaBelle assures him that she loved the potatoes, but the salmon “didn’t flip me.”

Padma says Heather’s dumplings were “dry and chewy and overcooked.” Patti LaBelle says she thought she had Bigfoot on her plate again. Tom says he doesn’t even know what she did to the meat. She explains about being afraid to use the pressure cooker because of the way it flopped on her last week, and he points out that Beverly – you know, the Beverly you spent an entire night last week ragging on for not having self confidence? That Beverly? – wasn’t afraid to use the pressure cooker, and she’s not in the bottom.

In fact, she’s in the top, as we learn when the losers file back to the kitchen and summon Beverly, Sarah, and Ed. They are the favorites. Tom and Patti LaBelle compliment them. Padma points out that Ed is on a bit of a roll. Tom says Beverly’s presentation was quite beautiful and everything on the dish had a purpose. Emeril was impressed with Sarah’s technique, and that she made her own sausage.

Tom says all three hit their mark and were memorable. And Patti LaBelle announces that the winner is…Sarah! She freaks out in a very cute way. Padma tells them to head back to the kitchen. Sarah is happy that her grandparents will have definite bragging rights with their friends.

The judges run through the bottom dishes again. Heather clearly knew she messed up her “gristly, greasy piece of ribeye.” The “white parts leeching out” of Chris’s salmon were unappetizing. And Grayson’s plate suffered from a lack of imagination. Commercial.

Back. The bottom 3 face the judges again. Tom tells Chris that his dish had a lot of mistakes and didn’t work. Grayson needs to be pushing more at this stage of the competition. Heather should’ve reworked her original plan.

Padma tells…Heather to pack her knives and go. And seven million angels smiled. She’s upset to go home for a dish she made for her mom. Beverly says that Heather reaped her own karma in going home for her own mistakes after trying to blame everything on others before, and admits that there’s personal satisfaction in that. Heather interviews about this being the most rewarding experience of her career.

Next time! Oh, we got a fire! This is a monster of a barbecue! You’re gonna love it! It’s gonna be like sex in your mouth. Ambulances! I would’ve pushed through it. What is she, dead? It’s so salty it’s really inedible.

And over in the Last Chance Kitchen…Heather laughs like a ninny, while Nyesha, who hates her as much as the rest of her, vows to wipe the smile off her face. They have 30 minutes to create a dish using frying, injecting, and foaming. Heather has never foamed before. She makes a Head On Gulf Shrimp Injected With Paprika on a Porcini Foam with Ragu of Corn and Chantrelle Mushrooms, which loses to Nyesha's Brown Butter Foam Quick Beignet Injected With Caramel Sauce. Yayyy! She’s excited to have shut Heather up and earned another week in the kitchen. I’m excited that the most we’ll have to see of Hateful Heather from now on is a few comments from the sidelines of the Last Chance Kitchen (or when they inevitably bring her back to work as Bev’s sous chef in a late-stage challenge).

There's no new episode on the DVR for next week, Calling Birds, so I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and/or Happy Hanukkah, and enjoy your Top Chef-free New Year's Eve-eve-eve-eve next Wednesday. It's the perfect opportunity to watch State of Play live for once, or to watch the entire series of Whitechapel off of On Demand again.

...or to enjoy time with your loved ones. One of those.

This Post Is About Gwyneth Paltrow's Cookies, But Not Really

2011-12-19T08:54:00.001Z

In the preface to her recipe for “Granddad Danner’s Favorite Peanut Butter Cookies,” Gwyneth Paltrow tells us that though her grandfather “passed away when I was seven[…]I can still remember him with his thick shock of white hair eating these cookies with a glass of milk.”

I actually made these cookies this summer – and it’s a very basic recipe (flour, other typical dry ingredients, a stick of butter, ¾ cup peanut butter, dark and light brown sugar, one egg, vanilla, and peanut butter chips), so I won’t bother doing a walkthrough, but they are delicious. Anyway, I was making them, and it was a week after my own grandfather had died.

I know. That was five months ago, and this is the first some of you are hearing of it. And there are reasons for that – the biggest being that this largely stopped being a personal blog a long time ago.

Another is that 34 is a difficult age at which to grieve for a grandparent. I’m at a point in my life where my friends are starting to lose parents more often – not what you’d call regularly yet, but no longer under circumstances that require you to say things like “suddenly” or “out of the blue” or “but s/he was so young!”

Each of my parents has lost a sibling – one too early and one far too early. My other uncle has lost his wife. Two of my friends have lost very young children and another is losing her eldest in a particularly slow and terrible way.

Faced with all of that, it feels selfish to wallow in mourning for a grandfather who had 93 good years, capped by a few months of declining health that made it obvious that the end was speedily approaching. It was not sudden. It was not out of the blue. He was not so young – even though for years he’d managed to fake us out by seeming younger than he had any business being.

But the cookies. I kept coming back to that sentence while I was baking – it’s the last line of the introductory text, so it would catch my eye every time I glanced back to see how much dark brown sugar or what order to do things in – and I found myself thinking that I couldn’t even imagine losing my grandfather at seven, and not having a lifetime’s worth of memories with him.

And that’s when I stopped cold, and then burst into tears.

Because I had lost a grandfather at seven – or two months shy of it, really. How could I possibly have forgotten that? And it was sudden, and it was out of the blue, and at 68, he wasn’t so young…but he was still too young. At the very least, he was a damn sight younger than 93.

At that point, I started trying to remember my other grandfather, and I found that I had a very hard time sorting out what I actually remembered versus what I’d been told or seen pictures of. After giving it considerable thought, I’m only confident that one memory of him is really my own – the time he showed me my grandmother’s driver’s license, which he carried in his wallet (she’d died before I was born).

Compare that to the grandfather who just passed. The one for whom I remember a lifetime of bellowed “Hello there, young lady”-s, either when he entered a room or when I heard his voice on the phone; the way he gestured slightly with his fork in small circles while telling a story; the fact that he’d said “et la bas!” as an expression of disgust for decades, and was shocked but amused when a French dinner guest told him that it only meant “hey, you over there.”

But as differently as I’m able to remember them, I feel the same sense of unreality about both their deaths. At just shy of 7, you don’t fully comprehend what death is, and don’t entirely understand that you’re never going to see that person again. At 34, you understand death and can even prepare yourself for its coming, but that doesn’t mean you’re any better capable of realizing – in the sense of making it real to yourself – that someone who’s always been in your world just isn’t anymore.

Suddenly. Out of the blue. Because whether you have weeks to prepare and know exactly what’s going on, or a sudden phone call comes in the middle of a family gathering and you understand the words people are saying but not what they mean, losing someone is always like having the chair kicked out from underneath you.

One grandfather would’ve been 94 years old today. And Saturday – yes, Christmas Eve -- will be the 28th anniversary of the other’s death.

I don’t really know how to miss either of them. And at the same time, right now I miss them both terribly.

Top Chef: Let's Play a Love Game...

2011-12-15T12:12:00.015Z

(get it? Get it???? Oh, I slay me sometimes)

Too rare venison
Dakota and Nyesha
Both pack knives and go.

I am running super late this morning, boar chops, so I have to contain what I might otherwise say about this episode.

But seriously: what in hell was that?

To get the good stuff out of the way first, I love the fact that Ty-lör is starting to come into his own. He showed a lot of character in last week’s episode, and then really brought it in the kitchen this week.

I’m sorry that Dakota and Nyesha had to go, as they both seemed like nice ladies and it blows to see one member of a team go out on the back of another’s error. By the same token, I’m glad Grayson didn’t get taken out by Ponytail Chris’s shit stupid potato fence idea … but I would’ve loved to see Ponytail Chris get taken out by his own shit stupid potato fence idea.

And then there’s the Heather and Beverly of it all. Um…. You remember how a few weeks ago I had no patience whatsoever with Beverly and all her crying and crying and crying, and thought Heather seemed like a tough, competent chef?

Yeah. That started turning around a bit last week and did a complete 180 last night. Now I think Beverly seems like a nice person, if damaged and maybe a bit floppy as a result of her past – and who wouldn’t be, with the past she’s outlined for us? And Heather. Oh, Heather. I would really like them to put a bag over her head for the rest of the proceedings, so that I never have to watch her mean little eyes contract to pinpoints, the nostrils of her smashed in nose flaring, and her face turning red then purple then grey with all the anger she’s got inside herself. And then I would like them to pull the strings on that bag really, really tight, so that maybe she couldn’t breathe so well.

But let’s walk through to how I got there, shall we? And something is broken in the way blogger is showing up on Chrome this morning, so just be patient with the fact that there aren't going to be any fancy links or formatting or shit -- I'm trying to do this in html, which is not my strong point.

Night. At the Cheftel suite, Nyesha reflects on how tough the challenge was to get through and how harsh Heather was on Beverly. Ty-lör thinks he’s been in the bottom too much, and vows to showcase the chef that he is. They all call themselves the Dirty Dozen.

The next morning they file into the Cordon Bleu kitchen where Tim Love and Padma await them. You may remember Tim Love from Top Chef Masters a long time ago, back when it had the different format and the super talented chefs. He’s also surrounded by tequilas, which Padma tells them they’ll be pairing with a dish for their quickfire challenge.

Padma tells them that the winner of this challenge won’t have immunity, but will get $5000. They have 30 minutes to taste the tequilas and cook.

Tequila flurry. Sarah tells us that she and Tony Mantuano have a tradition of having a shot of blanco tequila every time they fly. Creepy Ponytail Chris loves tequila, but says it’s not the easiest thing to work with. Edward says that cooking in Kentucky, he’s more familiar with bourbons. Ty-lör is making a “very intimate” dish he invented on a beach somewhere.

10 minutes. Dakota is working with the 1942 tequila. She says some very product placementy things about how smooth the tequila is. Blondie (why can’t I remember her name ever?) lived in Mexico for 2 years and is used to pairing with tequila. Ty-lör sees Ponytail Chris overcooking his chicken. Paul thinks Ty-lör is a genius for using clams. Time!

Padma and Tim Love begin tasting with Ty-lör’s 1942 tequila with Steamed Clams in Thai Style Fish Caramel Sauce. Heather’s Reposado paired with Mango Avocado Salad with Rock Shrimp is next. Beverly has also used Reposado pairing it with Cold-Smoked Green Tea Oyster. Tim Love finds the smoke interesting.

Up next is Sarah’s Blanco tequila with Fennel Risotto with Glazed Scallops. Then we see Lindsay’s Anejo paired with Salmon with Fennel Puree and Brown Butter Sauce. Edward has paired Anejo with Bok Choy Lettuce Wrap with Lamb. Tim Love thinks it’s a very interesting pairing. Ponytail Chris has poured the Blanco and paired it with Pan-Seared Chicken with Lime Vinaigrette, which Tim Love says is playful.

Grayson has made Anejo with Sesame Cod with Tequila Brown Sugar Glaze. She never drinks tequila because she’s from Wisconsin. Handsome Chris has used Blanco paired with a Raw Oyster with Tequila Tapioca Pearl and Sea Salt Air. It makes Tim Love feel like he’s at the beach. Dakota’s pour of 1942 paired with Lamb with Medjool Date Pistou is the last dish we see.

Tim Love thinks some didn’t live up to the challenge of pairing. He felt like Heather’s was like a special at a chain restaurant. Ponytail Chris’s chicken was dry, and Sarah’s risotto was undercooked. Sarah snipes to the cameras that she’s been training with experts in Italy on how to make risotto, and she’s not going to change the way she cooks it based on someone’s palate.

His favorites were Handsome Chris, Linsday, whose salmon was cooked nicely, and Ty-lör, whose spicy dish was a good contrast to the tequila. And the winner is… Ty-lör! Yay! I got to like him so much last week, I will even forgive him his stupid umlaut. Padma tells him not to drink his $5000 prize in one sitting. Commercial.

Back. Padma tells them that “the game is on” for their elimination challenge. They’ll be paired with the person next to them to work in teams. Naturally, Heather and Bev are teammates. Edward hopes he and Ty-lör don’t end up in the bottom like they did the last time they worked together.

Tim Love says they’ll be having a game dinner for him and some friends tomorrow night at the restaurant. Game as in game meats, not “hey come on over and watch the football game,” which is what I’d initially thought. His friends, naturally, are famous chefs. Each team will be cooking a protein for the chef they’re assigned to. Nyesha and Dakota will cook venison for Brian Caswell of Reef. Sarah and Paul will make squab for Top Chef Masters alumna Anita Lo of Annisa. Grayson and Ponytail Chris will serve elk to Tim Love. Handsome Chris and Lindsay will make boar for Jon Shook of Animal. Heather and Beverly are in charge of duck for Masters alum and City Grocery owner John Currence. Finally, Ed and Ty-lör will serve quail for Animal’s Vinny Dotolo.

I'm seriously, SERIOUSLY disappointed that none of them are cooking The Most Dangerous Game of all... MAN. They could make it for Tony Bourdain or something.

They’ll also have to cook extra plates for their fellow chefs ….because they’ll be judging each other too! They’ll pick their 3 least favorites to go before the judges, who will make the final decision about which team goes home. And the team that wins will split $10K.

The chefs move out to Whole Foods for 30 minutes of shopping on a $200. Bev and Heather bicker their way through the aisles. Well, Heather bickers anyway. Beverly is trying to be a team player despite Heather’s bossiness, so really Heather is just bickering with herself. Dakota says the double elimination adds an element of fear. Grayson is nervous about working with Ponytail Chris because he does a lot of crazy stuff. I would be nervous because he comes across like a douchey creeper, but good on her for staying professional. They all file out of the store and head back to the Cordon Blue kitchen for 3 hours of cooking time.

Food Flurry! Ponytail Chris has never cooked elk. He’s focusing on making some sort of chain link fence of sweet potato, which…what? Seriously? Paul thinks Sarah is nervous about the sausage she’s making. Heather wants to make sure that their dish isn’t “too Asian.” Edward says Bev’s a talented chef and Heather’s a complete bitch. I love Edward even more for just putting it all out on the line like that.
Five minutes. They start packing up for the day. Paul is worried about Sarah’s sausage. They all head back to the cheftel.

At the cheftel, Heather and Bev continue planning/bickering. Bev thinks Heather has been abrasive and controlling. It makes Bev flashback to a time she was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship that she had to run away from. Hoo boy, we just went to a deep place. Commercial.

Back. The next day the chefs all arrive at Lonesome Dove and begin to prepare. Lindsay and Chris will be serving first. Grayson says that between the double elimination, the $10,000, and the judging each other aspect of things, this is a high stress challenge. Heather says the kitchen they’re in is the tiniest, hottest kitchen she’s ever been in.

Chris Ponytail’s potato chain link fence – which, frankly, just looks like a big fucking cube of sweet potato if you ask me -- is brittle. Grayson is pissed at him, and he’s pissed at himself. He switches to making sweet potato fries.

The judges and chefs file in and find their seats. 10 minutes to service. Heather thinks Beverly asks too many questions, like a sous chef, and doesn’t think like a chef. Lindsay and Chris’s boar racks are a bit undercooked at the center, but they have enough that they don’t have to use the very center portions.

They serve first. Their dish is Roasted Wild Boar with Kohlrabi Slaw and Farro Fried Rice. Can we pause for a minute? I love boar in a slightly filthy way, and ever since NPR did this feature on cooking with it, I’ve wanted to try and cook with it. I think that’s going to be one of my New Year’s Resolutions. Anyway, Jon Shook thinks they should’ve left the marinade off of it. Tom says it’s a nice plate of food, but not very exciting. Lindsay and Chris go back to the kitchen in time to hear Paul saying the slaw is a bit watery.

Next up we have Heather and Beverly’s Five-Spice Duck Breast with Creamy Polenta and Pickled Cherries. John Currence doesn’t like the way the cherries are cooked and Hugh finds the duck breast rubbery. Someone else says it was too safe. One of the cheftestants in the back, though thinks the duck breast is “perfect” and “super tender.”

Grayson is nervous about their plates because the sweet potato is not as they imagined. Their dish goes out and is presented as Juniper Roasted Elk with Sweet Potato and Bouquet of Citrus Greens. Chris Ponytail explains how he fucked up the sweet potato, but Grayson steps on his little speech, telling him not to admit shit like that. She’s right – I think it’s important to own your mistakes at the Judges’ Table, but you don’t want to own them early enough to send you to Judges’ Table. Or, in this case, to give them ammunition in advance if someone else is making the decision about who to send to Judges’ Table. Tim Love says the meat is good, but it reminds someone else of “1982 banquet food”. Grayson thinks they’re probably going home. I’m worried about this too – I’d love to be shot of Chris J, but I don’t want him to cost me Grayson.

Back in the kitchen, Dakota and Nyesha have issues with their venison being seriously undercooked.

Next out to the diners we have Ed and Ty-lör’s Sorghum Quail with Pickled Cherries and Eggplant. Tim Love says the quail shines, and Anita Lo says they bring out the earthy qualities of the ingredients.

Back in the kitchen, Sarah’s sausage doesn’t poach through. Nyesha and Dakota’s venison is “raw-slash-rare” in Nyesha’s words. It goes out and is introduced as Roasted Rack of Venison with Kobocha Squash and Beet Gratin. I know you all think I’m going to rage on the beet gratin, but frankly I was relieved this morning to find out that’s what was on top of the dish, because last night I thought it was just sheer bloody raw. But no. Just death vegetables, not venison sashimi. Anyway. Tim Love thinks the venison flavor is nice, but the other reactions to it range from “undercooked” to “a little bit blue.”

Finally we have Sarah and Paul. Sarah wouldn’t forgive herself if something she did made Paul go home. They present their Squab Breast and Sausage with Nectarine Pickled. One of the Animal guys likes the sausage. Tom thinks the presentation is sloppy and rushed, but the food is good.

Padma comes into the kitchen and calls in Ed and Ty-lör. All the other chefs clap and congratulate them, assuming that they’re the winners. Which, of course, they are. They give each other a big hug and get to split $10,000. Ty-lör says it feels amazing to win the quickfire and elimination after being in the bottom. Ed is pleased not to have made an ass of himself.

Padma tells them that they and the other chefs have 15 minutes to choose which three teams to send back for elimination. Commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs are trying to talk out who should go back. Heather thinks they should just vote. Grayson points out that no one will vote for themselves.

Back. The chefs are still trying to decide. Paul nominates Heather/Beverly, Nyesha/Dakota and Chris/Grayson. Heather nominates Dakota/Nyesha and Grayson/Chris, then refuses to pick a third and gets touchy about not understanding the process. Ultimately they just vote. Edward thinks people are conspiring a bit. The teams that head in are Nyesha/Dakota, Chris J/Grayson, and Heather/Bev.

Tom asks if they think they deserve to be there. Heather doesn’t think they should be, and suspects it because she was in the top in the last challenge.

Tom tells Dakota/Nyesha that the dish was good, but the venison was undercooked. Dakota is embarrassed that the venison fell out of her grasp. Hugh says the flavor profiles were good, but it was just the meat that landed them in the basement.

Hugh thought the meat on Chris and Grayson’s was pretty good, but the potato was “like waaaaaah?” If I didn’t already love Hugh, the fact that he reacted to stupid Ponytail Chris’s stupid lump of potato with a Moe-esque “waaaaaah?” would’ve put me over the top. He thinks they may live or die by the potato fence.

Beverly and Heather are next and Heather says they had an issue of balancing two chefs in one plate. Um, jackass? Everyone had to do that. That’s what happens in a challenge where you have two chefs working on one dish. That’s the nature of the challenge, you dumb swollen necked baboon. And then Heather goes on another of her weird, gross, purple faced rage tirades and tries to make it all about Beverly’s “work ethic” in the last challenge. Dakota stands up for Beverly saying she’s a hardworking, strong cook. Heather then makes it about Beverly lacking the self confidence to “push through” and get results. Beverly says she has confidence, but shows it in a different way. Padma dismisses them.

In the kitchen, Heather says “Beverly, I’m sorry if you think I hurt your feelings, but that’s the truth.” That is the absolute baseline worst fauxpology in the history of insincere bitchassedness. “I’m sorry if you think I hurt your feelings” – so it’s not even just the person you’re fauxpologizing to’s fault for getting her feelings hurt, you’re going to top that one off by saying “you think I hurt your feelings” and further illegitimatizing her reaction by saying she doesn’t even really understand the feelings she’s having? Jesus Harold Christ, lady. And then she continues bitching about the Asianness of the dish. Then she turns on Grayson, just talking over her. Grayson says that calling out your partner in a double elimination is ridiculous because it means you’re going home too. Heather keeps ranting. It’s just gross. I hope someone tries to make something en flambé and sets her the fuck on fire.

You know what? I don’t remember the last time I disliked a cheftestant this much! Maybe I’m reengaging with the show! Maybe this gross snoutnosed lump of ego and rage brought to human form is exactly what I needed to get me back into the show! Thanks, Heather, you fucking bitchrag. You’ve saved Top Chef!

Tom thinks their peers made the right choice of who to send back. Hugh says Grayson and Chris may go home because Chris put the idea – the stupid potato chain link fence idea which, whaaaaa? -- first before the flavor. They all agree that everything but the venison was great on Nyesha and Dakota’s dish, but think that Nyesha not checking the venison was a failure of teamwork. Tom says Heather and Beverly’s dish was just “a big messy plate of food,” and they’re all dumbfounded by the fact that Heather is still living in the last challenge. Tim Love says you need to have a “baseball memory,” in Top Chef – you can’t come to the plate still thinking about your last strikeout. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them that they agree with their colleagues’ vote that they made the worst dishes. Chris and Grayson’s was all over the place. Dakota and Nyesha’s was really undercooked. Beverly and Heather’s duck wasn’t crispy enough, and they basically made two different dishes.

Padma tells… Dakota and Nyesha to pack their knives and go. Nyesha is upset with herself for not taking more control. Dakota says Nyesha was awesome. Sobbing, she tells the other chefs that Nyesha shouldn’t be going home. Nyesha’s frustrated that she can’t continue to compete when there are chefs still in it who have nothing on her. Dakota feels like she’s disappointed so many people, including herself.

Next: Movin’ out! Welcome to Austin. Patti Labelle! And then my TV went black because there was some sort of DVR hiccup, but whatever. We’ll know in a week. Probably fighting and cooking.

And in Last Chance Kitchen…Nyesha and Dakota face off against Whitney in a challenge where they have to use a wok only, using cactus and any other ingredients in the Top Chef kitchen. It kind of burns me, because I’ve been waiting 9 seasons now for a cactus challenge, and it’s relegated to the stupid Last Chance Kitchen. Anyway, Nyesha’s Asian Scallops with Prickly Pear beat Whitney’s Cactus and Chicken Fried Rice and Dakota’s Shrimp Toastada with Watermelon and Prickly Pear Shooter. But everyone’s happy because Dakota felt bad about taking Nyesha out and Whitney says Nyesha’s the only one she’d want to beat her.

Top Chef: Pulling Up Steaks

2011-12-08T07:23:00.000Z

Uncooked potato
Uninspired recipe
Whitney’s undoing

Good morning, croquettes. How are you doing? Did you enjoy last night’s episode?

I…can’t say I enjoyed it, because I was exhausted last night, and not feeling entirely myself due to some sort of stomach thing that feels like a small man is standing on my kidneys and punching my lower intestines from within (I know nothing about biology, so if you couldn’t punch the intestines by standing on the kidneys… just don’t tell me. I really couldn’t care less).

But I did think it was a step in the right direction. The quickfire challenge was a nice back-to-basics, display your fundamental skillz type challenge without featuring some sort of promotional ingredient or being sponsored by a company we’d have to hear about 30 times (not that they didn’t make up for that with the Toyota Venza Elimination Challenge, brought to you by Toyota Venza, for which first prize was a Toyota Venza). The elimination challenge was no great shakes, and the chefs didn’t do anything spectacular with it, but we did see some character development. Ty-Lör showed us the right way to handle slicing your finger off, and between that and taking responsibility for the steaks (even though I don’t agree with Tom that it was entirely the fault of the technique he chose), demonstrated a degree of levelheadedness and maturity that I wasn’t 100% expecting.

On the converse side, while I still don’t like Beverly the crier, I’m starting to like Heather less. Heather is obsessed with Beverly for some reason, and it’s a little gross. And Heather’s face when she goes on the attack is just the grossest thing ever. So Beverly isn’t a team player and cries all the time. Is that really a reason to turn that bizarre shade of grayish purple and make faces like a smug frog that’s about to spontaneously combust?

Whitney, on the other hand, never had too much of a personality. And I’m kind of glad she’s gone (from the TV, at least [spoiler alert]), because I was having trouble thinking of her as anything other than a soft version of Dakota.

(Although I will say: look at the stems on that girl in her bio pic! Bangin'. You go, Whitney.)

Let’s do this, shall we?

Night. The chefs are in their Dallas hotel, mourning the loss of Chuy. Edward says the guys need to rally so there aren’t “eight girls and two guys left.” Chris says something trite about concentrating on food and not on girls versus guys or anything. It’s pretty sensible, but I have such an aversion to him and his douchebro ponytail and squinty eyes that I still just want to punch him.

The next morning they head to the Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts, and see Padma and Dean Fearing. The Cordon Bleu kitchen will be their base in Dallas. Paul feels like he should win this challenge, since he went to school here and is familiar with the settings.

The quickfire will test their skills as a saucier. Padma says “saucier” very saucily. Dean Fearing says the saucier position is the one that gives the “wow” to the dish. The chefs each draw knives with one of the five mother sauces on it: Hollandaise, Espagnole, Béchamel; Tomate; and Velouté. Their challenge is to make a dish with a new sauce that stems from their mother sauce. The winner gets immunity. Their time starts… Now!

Sauce sprint! They have an hour and a half to cook. We hear about a couple of different sauces and what they’re doing with them, but really, we’ll hear about them when we get to the tasting. Everyone’s trying to do something new with the classic sauce. Nothing blows up or anything.

Padma comes in and gives them the five minute warning. Dakota put her scallops on way too early. Grayson is “totally effed” because she has so many elements. 55 seconds. Time.

Padma and Fearing begin tasting with Chris C., who has made Halibut over Mussels, Andouille, Hajimachi Mushrooms, Veloute with Mussels, Lemon Puree. Edward’s dish stars a Cauliflower Milk Béchamel with Poached Red Snapper, Crab, Fried Oyster. Grayson’s Hollandaise is featured in a dish of Scallop, Charred Corn Sauce with Paprika, Corn Ravioli, Blueberry Balsamic Reduction. Paul has made Espagnole over Quail with Pickled and Roasted Honshimeji Mushrooms, Garlic Scapes. Whitney’s Tomate sauce is served with Poached Shrimp, Fennel Pillau, Sauteed Okra, Pancetta. Paul and Whitney both get questioned for not using roux in their sauces.

We move onto Heather, who has made Béchamel - Gruyere Croquette with Chinese 5 Spice, Apple Ginger Compote and Asian Slaw. Beverly’s Asian inspired dish is Espagnole - Sauce with Charred Shallots with Pepper Corn, Sake, Red Wine, Crab Maki Roll with Rib Eye. Heather thinks the judges should be bored of Bev always making Asian food. Fearing asks Beverly why there’s so little of the espagnole, and she says it’s because she also had the soy, and didn’t want to overpower the soy. Well, that was a dumbshit move, Beverly. The challenge was not soy. The challenge was espagnole. Feature the ingredient that is the challenge.

Moving along, we hear about Dakota’s Béchamel Infused with Peach, Truffle and Lemon Crab and Mushroom Duxelle, Seared Scallop. Fearing says it’s almost like a hollandaise. Ty-Lör has made a Hollandaise, Ahi Tuna, and Bok Choy with Sugar Snap Peas. Finally we see Nyesha present her Tomate Sauce with Coconut and Ras El Hanout Braised Lentils.

Fearing’s least favorites were Dakota, who overused the peach. Nyesha’s dish showed great thought, but her flavors were muddled. And Beverly had another sauce featured over her mother sauce.

He really liked Grayson’s dish, and is impressed that she made ravioli. He liked the way Chris C. added poaching liquids back into the sauce, and thought Paul’s flavor combination was perfect. And the winner is… commercial.

Augh, I HATE when they do this. Bunch of teases.

Back. The winner is… Grayson! Yay! I like her. She has immunity in the elimination challenge.

Padma tells them that for Texans, steak is one of life’s most important pleasures. For their elimination, they’ll work as one team to create a 4 course steak dinner for 200 guests. They have to incorporate steak into 2 of the four courses for the Cattle Baron’s Ball. Fearing instructs them that the steaks should ALL be medium rare when they hit the table. Padma gives them 30 minutes to menu plan now, plus 3 hours to cook that night, and then 3 hours to prep and cook the next night before the event…at SOUTHFORK RANCH! And the winner also gets a brand new 2011 Toyota Venza. Then they all say nice things about the Toyota Venza.

Menu planning! They split up into teams for the four courses. Sarah, Beverly, and Dakota will do soups. Lindsay, Heather, and Grayson are doing dessert, and Edward is pissed because she’s doing his cake recipe again like she did for the quinceañera.

They head to Whole Foods in the Toyota Venzas and talk about how much room there is in the Toyota Venzas and how much they’d all LOOOOOVE to win a Toyota Venza. Arriving at Whole Foods, they pile out of their Toyota Venzas and have 45 minutes and $4,000 to shop before getting back into their Toyota Venzas.

They run around the store breaking things, and Ty-Lör talks about how he was inspired by his grillmaster father who survived open heart surgery. Whitney was inspired by her mother, who was a versatile cook even though they were poor. One of them is totally going home.

Back in the kitchen, the soup team works on their watermelon gazpacho. Edward, Paul, and Chris J. are making New York strip carpaccio for the second course, and on the third team, Whitney, Chris C., Ty-Lör and Nyesha are making ribeye with a sauce, a compound butter, Brussels sprouts and a potato gratin. Heather complains that Beverly is being selfish and not helping her team. People try to convince Whitney to put her potatoes in the oven, but she refuses.

Then Ty-Lör basically slices his finger half off. He’s super calm and super precise about it, telling the medic that the knife probably went in a 16^th of an inch, and finishing his work with a wrapped hand before heading off to the ER. This is how you handle cutting your finger, Jamie.

Back in the hotel, the others try to divvy up the work. Lindsay thinks people are resisting stepping up and taking the lead because of what a cluster their previous group challenge at the quinceañera was. Commercial.

Back. Next morning. Ty-Lör is apparently not back from the ER, because they’re still wondering what happens if they’re one man short. He eventually walks into the hotel kitchen with four stitches and tells them about how crazy the hospital was. He’s determined to step up and do his part and take charge of the steaks.

The chefs head off to Southfork Ranch and we get a modified version of the Dallas theme song because apparently Bravo couldn’t secure the rights to the real thing. It’s so lame. Instead of ba BAAAAM ba BAAM ba Ba Badi Bum Bum! Bum Bi Bum Badi Bum!!! it’s like ba BAAAM badi bum bum! ba badi bum bum! Ba Baaam! (unrelated: I miss when TV shows had long opening credits sequences with iconic theme songs and pictures of the entire, sprawling cast as well as a lot of establishing shots to set up the feel of the show. Related: RIP, HarryMorgan)

The chefs get down to work. Heather’s cakes are finished so she’s working on the organizational end of things. Whitney is having to remove a layer of potatoes because the ones exposed to the air have browned. Beverly has apparently been doing nothing but working on her shrimp for two days, which gives Heather another excuse to be pissed at Beverly. Dakota thinks Heather is a bully, and should be booted from the island. Wrong show, Dakota.

Tom thru! Heather explains her dessert/expediting position. Then Dean Fealing joins him to tour the kitchen and learn about what they’re doing. Ty-Lör explains his plan to just mark the steaks on the grill and finish them in the oven.

A bunch of tackily dressed guests arrive with 13 minutes to go before service. Oh, dear, there are so many hats and rhinestones and low end turquoise jewelry that these women probably got rooked on. Two more prospective Housewives of Dallas approach the judges and talk about the American Cancer Society.

Ty-Lör is outside grilling the steaks in 112 degree heat. The first course comes out and Padma introduces the judges – tonight we have Hugh and Tom, and Dean Fearing, plus Padma and the Cancer Society ladies. Sarah explains their Tomato-Watermelon Gazpacho, Poached Shrimp, Avocado Mousse. The Cancer Society lady doesn’t taste enough watermelon. Tom thinks the chefs are playing it a bit safe. Hugh thinks it needs acid.

Lindsay is nervous that no one’s thinking about the third course as the second goes out. Paul introduces the New York Strip Carpaccio, Pistachio Vinaigrette, Mushroom “Bacon”, Red Onion Jam. No one seems impressed by the “raw tomato thing,” but Fearing likes the degree of doneness.

Lindsay takes charge and starts throwing steaks in the oven. They get them ready, and Heather instructs them to hang tight, because the guests aren’t finished with the second course yet. Chris J. says that flashing the steaks early is like “when the meteor hit the earth and the dinosaurs became extinct” in terms of being a big deal. God, I just hate him and his face and his pot-smoking sophomore with one philosophy class pretenses of deepness. Ty-Lör knows that he’s screwed by the others’ decision to flash the steaks early. Edward is worried because the steaks were ice cold and the gratin is a mess. Nyesha hopes her elements will shine on their own. She goes forward to introduce the Grilled Rib Eye, Creamy Potato Gratin, Braised Greens, Thyme Jus, and explain who worked on the dish. Hugh finds the steak a little messy, and a couple of the steaks aren’t medium rare. The gratin is not cooked. They do like Nyesha’s sauce and compound butter.

The chefs go to work plating the cake, which Lindsay introduces as “Right Side Up” Texas Peach Cake, Whipped Mascarpone, Pecan Streusel. Tom says Heather did a great job with the cake, but Hugh wants a bit more sugar on his.

The judges chat. Tom says overall it was “fine,” but they could’ve pushed it a lot more. Padma thanks the Cancer Society ladies and tells them it’s been a pleasure. Back in the kitchen, Ty-Lör knows it’s done for him. Whitney thinks she could go for her gratin. Commercial.

Fakeback. Beverly tells Ed about how she thought she might be on his shit list because she made a reservation and then cancelled the same day. She says Ed is her idol. It’s unexpectedly sweet. One of them must be going home.

Really back. Heather wants to talk about what happened. She doesn’t think everyone pulled their weight, and that Bev spent all her time working on shrimp. Bev says it was uncalled for to call her out. Heather points out that her and Lindsay have their asses on the lines for taking charge of execution. She has a very unpleasant look on her face. Ok, I don’t like Beverly at all, but Heather’s obsession with her and the despicable way she’s expressing it are starting to tick me off more. Padma calls in Nyesha, Heather, and Chris Jones.

They did the best in the challenge, and one of them will win the Toyota Venza. Fealing tells Chris his steak was cooked perfectly, and Hugh agrees that that was the shining part of the dish. Tom loved Heather’s dessert, and Fealing says the cake was light as a feather and prepared perfectly. Tom tells Nyesha her compound butter saved the dish, and Hugh says it added “nuance and integrity” to an otherwise confused steak.

And Fealing announces that the winner is… Heather. She looks happy, and still kind of smug and unpleasant. They go back and announce her win. Edward and Beverly are clearly pissed – Edward because she won using his cake recipe; Beverly because these two bitches just straight up hate each other. Heather tells Ty-Lör, Whitney, and Ed to go back in. Whitney finds it comforting to see Hugh, her mentor, since he’s been in her position.

The interrogations start with Ty-Lör, who immediately knows what went wrong. He says that the method could’ve worked if they’d fired at the right time, but ultimately it’s on him. Tom’s portion of Whitney’s gratin was raw, and Fealing says she should’ve been able to tell that by cutting it. Tom said Ed’s safe, boring dish said everything about the way the team approached the challenge. Padma sends them back to wait.

Deliberation. Tom says Whitney’s gratin shouldn’t represent 6 hours of work, and Hugh admits that he’s disappointed in her. Wow, that is way harsh, Tai. Tom faults Ty-Lör’s technique for the failure of the steaks, and thinks Ed made the mistake of underestimating the clients’ palates. Hugh says it was “a mediocre dish done in an ok style” and that that was the theme of the night. They’ve made a decision. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them that the challenge was a difficult one, but that doesn’t mean it had to be boring. Whitney played it safe and still messed up with raw potatoes. Ed’s dish was not Top Chef material. And Ty took responsibility and didn’t carry through. He’s starting to think he chose some of the wrong chefs when they narrowed it down to 16. Daaaaaamn. He says that usually it’s tough to send someone home, but tonight they’ve made it easy. Double daaaaaaaaaamn.

Padma tells Whitney to pack her knives and go. She thanks them for the opportunity, and says it was hard being eliminated by Hugh. She says the best part of the competition was meeting so many amazing chefs, and that this is just a part of the dreams and goals she’s set for herself.

Next time! Double Elimination! We have to judge the three dishes that will be in the bottom! I would’ve rather gotten paired with anyone else besides Bev. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done!

And in Last Chance Kitchen, Whitney’s Elk Burger defeats Chuy’s Ostrich Burger in a weird match where for some reason, the eliminated challengers are now allowed to watch them and shout advice and encouragement, as though this was Next Iron Chef Superchefs (or whatever the hell that’s called – I stopped watching when Chuck Hughes was eliminated).

On Food That Makes Do

2011-12-07T06:54:00.001Z

It began, as many things do, with public radio.

I'm a huge fan of NPR's Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, and of their blog and of their blog's Sandwich Monday feature, wherein they eat a sandwich -- usually a disgusting one -- every Monday.

Last Monday's sandwich was the Toast Sandwich, which is literally "a slice of toast seasoned with salt and pepper, between two pieces of bread with butter."

I posted it on facebook, as I often do with Sandwich Monday sandwiches, and a friend of mine -- a friend with a legitimate, high powered, grown-up respectable job, said this:

Friend with legitimate, high powered, grown-up respectable job: One aspires to the toast sandwich after the "sugar sandwich," "tangwich," and "syrup sandwich" aka "hood pancakes."

Me: I saw an old Law & Order this weekend wherein part of Lisa Gay Hamilton's reason for killing her husband was that her mother used to send them to school with "Mashed Potato Sandwiches."

FWLHPGURJ: Dem shits is delicious.

And then I started thinking about food, and poverty, and how much of what we now think of as classic comfort food came from a place of making do with what you have, and how "what we have" has changed from being things like beans and dandelion greens to being...white bread and Tang.

A lot of Southern Italian food comes from that place: cheap cuts of meat pounded thin and rolled with breadcrumbs and raisins; pasta with beans; mashed beans; last night's risotto rolled up into balls and deep fried; pizza that's punched rather than tossed because you can't afford to drop the dough on the floor.

When I was younger, my mother used to make me pastina and egg soup when I was sick. The ingredients of pastina and egg soup are as follows: pastina (called acini di pepe in a lot of brands), egg, water. This is it. This is all you need. You can use some olive oil if you like; you can put some cheese on top if you're not sick to your stomach.

A few years ago, my mother and I were talking, and I'd been sick recently, and had made myself some pastina and egg. "You know what's really good?" I told her eagerly. "I made it with chicken stock. Did you ever think of that?"

And my mother gave me a look that, if put into words, would've come out something like "Oh, you fancy, huh?" Because chicken stock is not the point of pastina and egg. Making it "better" is not the point of pastina and egg. The point of pastina and egg is that you make it with what you have, and in turn, it makes you feel better.

So in honor of the toast sandwich, and pastina and egg, and dem shits being delicious, I decided to make the ultimate make with what you have meal: Bread Soup.

There are a lot of different kinds of Bread Soup, with varying amounts of bread and different kinds of vegetables and varying degrees of fancy depending on what region they're from. I wanted to make the most basic of them all, Pane Cotto, the way they did in Campania: bread, water, some olive oil, some dried herbs. Period.

First you're going to need about half a pound of bread. This is literally the only item I actually bought for the pane cotto. Really, though, you shouldn't be buying bread for pane cotto. You should be using the bread that you have on hand that's going stale.

Buying bread, and then having to dry it out (say for 30 minutes in a 350 degree oven) is cheating. It's worse than cheating. It's a sign that you fancy now, huh?

But anyway, you have your already stale bread and you break it into chunks, or you have your fancy bread and you cube it up and dry it, and try not to let the sound of your grandparents turning in their graves because you're using good bread to make pane cotto bother you.

Next you put some oil in a pot. I was combining about three different recipes I found online, and ended up using about 8 tbsp of olive oil.
Hello, delicious fats. And then I threw some garlic and some crushed red pepper flakes into the oil, and let it heat up.

And then you're going to throw in your bread, and some water, and some salt and pepper and a couple of bay leaves, and whatever other dried herbs you have on hand.
You can, of course, use stock if you want to. Use any kind of stock you like -- chicken, beef, vegetable, mushroom, whatever you like. You can tell yourself that your great grandparents didn't come to this country so that you could eat soup made with bread and water, and that stock will be delicious.

And that's fine. Just know: you fancy, huh?

And you probably want to know how much water (or fancy stock) you should be adding to this, to which I can only reply (as my mother would) "Enough." You'll know. You want enough that it's going to break down the bread but not all get absorbed into the bread, leaving you with just a bunch of soggy bread chunks rather than anything recognizable as soup. You want enough.

Miiiii'! Alright, already. You want maybe 5 cups of water. And you're going to let all that simmer away together for maybe 10 minutes, maybe 15. You keep an eye on it until some of the bread is breaking up and making beautiful little clouds, but the rest of it is still together, and when the liquid looks like it's about right in proportion to the bread.

And then you dish it out. I cannot stress this enough, you want to divvy out as much of the bread as you can between your four bowls, and then divvy out the broth on top of that so that no one portion gets a giant bread sponge whilst another gets some water with garlic. And then you shred some parmesan cheese on top of it.

Dem shits? Is delicious.

There are things in this world that should taste good. Foie gras, for example. Given what the goose has to go through to produce it and what you've got to pay to get it on your plate, that shit had damn well better taste good. And it absolutely does.

But then there are things that absolutely should not taste good. Sandwiches made with bread and mashed potatoes. Soup made with bread and water. Offal. And yet so often, they do. So often, dem shits is, in fact, delicious.

Top Chef: Now That's Progressive

2011-12-01T07:25:00.001Z

Overcooked Salmon
Stories about his father
Chuy lives online.

(erm… spoiler alert?)

So…. I don’t much know what to say about this episode, kids. I was running through sitemeter the other day to see what people were reading here, and ended up reading a recap from the Las Vegas season. And – not to brag – but I made myself laugh out loud a couple of times. I was clearly really engaged with that episode, and there were all sorts of in-jokes and references to Mushroom Kingdoms, and I seemed genuinely excited when the people I liked won and spewed forth all sorts of colorful invective when someone I didn’t like did something.

And I don’t remember the last time I felt that way about an episode, and I don’t know what it would take to get me back there.

With last night’s episode, at least, it was because I was actually angry with Top Chef for being on opposite Whitechapel, which I would’ve much rather been watching. Not just because it’s SO DAMN GOOD and the last episode until god knows when (Season 3 starts in the UK in January, but how long before we get it over here? Can we at least get Silk in the interim? Pretty please, BBC America?), but because…well, watch this preview video. You can take a minute. I’ll wait.

Back? Ok, excellent. Now, not only do I want to know how the series wraps up, I can’t stop watching that video and laughing hysterically at the end. Because this, my friends, is how a normal person reacts to being threatened with a gun:

“Pleasepleaseplease oh god please don’tshootme oh my god pleeeeeeaaaaaase….”

And this is how Rupert Penry-Jones reacts to being threatened with a gun:

“I say, are you threatening me with a gun, sir? Really, I’m pained by your poor taste in pursuing this course of action.”

But it’s not Top Chef’s fault that it’s not Whitechapel. And that’s clearly only been the case for the last couple of weeks of overlap (because I liked Whitechapel for the first series, but I didn’t become OH MY GOD obsessed with it until the finale of the Jack the Ripper case). It doesn’t explain the fact that since…oh, maybe the DC season? Either the show or I or the two of us together haven’t been quite able to recapture that old magic, with the Mushroom Kingdoms and the imaginary cooking threesomes and everything.

Anyway. This week they brought an interesting Quickfire challenge which they sped through, and a rock-bottom boring elimination challenge in which the chefs had to cook for a suburban progressive dinner. I feel like they didn’t spend enough time mining the potential conflicts between the chefs with trained palates and a bunch of nouvelles riches who haven’t realized yet that being childish, picky assholes about what they eat is not the same as having taste. And you know those tensions were there. They bubbled up to the surface with a couple of people, and I can’t believe they didn’t do more with it.

In fact, maybe that’s where the show is falling down on its part of the job: they’re no longer showing as much conflict, dramatic tension, or character development. And I don’t know what they’re doing with that time, because they’re sure as hell not showing us anything with the food. So what are we spending 60 minutes on if we’re not spending it on drama and we’re not spending it on food (and we’re sure as hell not spending it on Rupert Penry-Jones, which I am still pretty fucking upset about)? Long shots of Padma on horseback? Product placement? Real estate porn so the Highland Park residents can put “as seen on Top Chef” on the fliers when they have to short-sell their houses? Or was that all just an audition for Real Housewives of Dallas?

Anyway. Let’s just do this.

Night. We are back at the Tejas Rodeo, where everyone is still drained from the challenge, and more than a little freaked out about all the crying that Richie and Beverly did. Padma moseys up to them and tells them to get a good night’s sleep tonight, because tomorrow they’ll be heading for Dallas. Edward is bummed because he just fell in love with the Chef House. Don’t fall in love with a house, Edward. It will never love you back.

The next morning, they all pack up and talk about Dallas. Beverly thinks Dolly Parton is from Dallas. Beverly is wrong and stupid. Chris J. thinks a new city is a new opportunity to show what he can do. They load into their product placement vehicles and head off, and have some nice getting-to-know-you time, which is a plus since it seems like in recent seasons, we haven’t gotten-to-know the chefs as well as we once did. Anyway, we find out that Edward has been married a year; Ty-lör has a boyfriend; Beverly has an unexpected arm full of tats; and Chris C. used to be 70 pounds heavier until his picture was in a magazine and all of his friends fat shamed him.

Their pleasant drive comes to an abrupt end as the chefs see a road block and Texas Highway Patrol. Dakota has an outstanding ticket and perhaps a warrant from an incident in San Antonio.

Buuuut…they’re not really arrested. They are in another kind of trouble, though, because John Besh and Padma are standing there waiting for them. “John Besh is a handsome man,” Chris C. says, demonstrating the age-old ability of like to recognize kind.

John Besh welcomes them to the quickfire, which Padma tells them is about being resourceful and inventive. They have survival kits in their trunks, and must use them to make the best possible dish. They have 30 minutes, and the winner gets $5K and immunity.

Freeway Food Flurry! Chris J. runs in the opposite direction as the rest of the chefs, and for a moment I have the delightful thought that he’s run totally amok and is making a break for it. Run, Chris J.! Run to Richie and to freedom!

Alas, no. He’s merely running to a cornfield to see if there’s usable corn. The others start rooting through the packs to find an assortment of packaged foods. They have to punch holes in the cans with some sort of awl.

12 minutes. They all seem to be stuck at the can-opening phase. Chris C. is using “lemon drink” powder for acid. They all say the usual things about how they would never cook with all this canned food, and how it’s totally out of their comfort zone. [Blondie] is using Vienna sausages in a tribute to her dad, who used to eat them. Edward is determined not to make “Flintstone food” just because he’s at a camp site.

5 minutes. Edward pulls a muscle in his back. Chris J.’s corn didn’t work out. Time! Commercial!

Back! Padma and John Besh begin tasting the dishes with Chris J.’s Fried Chicken on Lemongrass Noodles. Next is Chuy’s “Dirty Mouth Dirty Rice” made with Basmati Rice with Smoked Trout. Grayson has made Pickled Herring with Hearts of Palm, Dates and Herring Juice. Lindsay has made a Triple Club [Sandwich] with Tuna and Sardines in French Onion Soup with Vienna Sausage.

Heading into the second batch of chefs, Ty-lör’s dish is Black Pepper Chicken Stew with Garbanzo Beans and Rice. Padma compliments his rice. Sarah’s concoction is Dried Beef and Pineapple Rice, Apple Sauce and Hearts of Palm. Chris C. has made Spicy Garbanzo Beans with Tofu and Crab. Besh is impressed that he sweetened with Crystal Light.

As we head for the home stretch (except for the 3 or 4 chefs we don’t see at all because there are still so damned many of them), we learn that Whitney’s dish is Beer and Peach Glazed Chicken with Green Bean Casserole. Edward’s is Thai Peanut Soup with Salmon, Tofu and Fried Hominy. Paul has made Pork and Beans with Coffee and Basmati Rice, and Dakota cooked up some Sweet and Spicy Noodles with Crab Meat and Pineapple Juice. Padma says her pineapple is very sweet.

John Besh says his least favorites were Whitney’s chicken, which didn’t have “love.” Dakota’s noodles were one dimensional and sweet, and Chris C’s was underseasoned.

On the plus side, he loved Edward’s attention to detail. He was scared of Lindsay’s dish, but liked it. Chuy made him a believer in canned smoked trout. And the winner is…. Lindsay! Yay! She seems small and scrappy (really, I haven’t developed strong opinions of any of them yet. Except for Paul, who I like, Sarah, who I can’t abide for mostly shallow reasons, Chris C., who is a handsome former fatty, Chris J., who seems like a tool and a douchebag, Beverly, who cries too damn much, and Edward, Grayson, and Heather, whose cooking has consistently impressed me, I really don’t have much of an opinion on any of these people beyond “small and scrappy.”). She hopes her father is proud.

Padma tells them their elimination will take place in the exclusive neighborhood of Highland Park, where three neighbors will be hosting a progressive dinner. The chefs will be providing the food. They’ll be in three teams, broken up to do appetizers, entrée, and dessert, but the challenge will ultimately be individual, with each member of the team providing a dish in their category. Dakota is pissed to be stuck with dessert again.

Padma tells them to check into their hotel and then go to the clients’ house to plan. The chefs arrive at a product placement boutique hotel, which Edward approves of “it feels like Dallas. It’s big, it’s opulent, great views.” After spinning him in some sort of giant basket chair that’s been mounted on a Lazy Susan, they head off to Highland Park.

The appetizer team – Chris, Whitney, Lindsay, Paul, and Sarah -- heads to the home of Kim and Justin Whitman. Whitney talks about how different this house is from her own poor upbringing. Anyway, as an added “treat” for the appetizer team, Kim Whitman is a lifestyle and entertaining expert, and gives them her books to work from. Awesome. I’m sure trained chefs are totally delighted to be given instructions by the genius behind such vanity press classics as Tablescapes (girl, Sandra gonna sue your ass for that one), The Wedding Workbook, Dog Parties and The Pleasure of Your Company. She also gives them a list of her dislikes: no bell peppers, no cilantro, nothing that causes bad breath or get stuck in their teeth. Chris badgers her into letting him do a different presentation of familiar flavors.

The entrée team --Ty-lör , Chuy, Nyesha, Beverly and Heather -- head to the home of Kari and Troy Kloweer. Ty-lör says their house smells like money, which is a different smell than his apartment in Brooklyn. Ty-lör is thus proved to be more tactful than my great-grandmother, who would’ve expressed the same sentiment by saying “stinks of new money.” Husband Troy likes spicy food while wife Kari doesn’t. Kari hates cilantro and raspberries. Troy likes beef; Kari doesn’t eat it. Chuy says he’d throw her out of his restaurant.

Finally, the dessert team --Edward, Grayson, Chris C. and Dakota-- go to the home of Kameron and Court Westcott. They love cake balls, cupcakes, and bananas, and want something worth every calorie that will make Court’s “inner fat kid cry.” Court’s (I keep typing Cord, because I’m so into One Life To Live right now, folks) wedding cake was a giant gummi bear. Edward can’t deal with how these people have so much “elegance” and yet are asking him to cook with gummi bears. Edward also has more tact than my great-grandmother, who would’ve sniffed something about not being able to buy taste. She was not a tactful lady. Let’s blame at least part of that on the Alzheimer’s.

The chefs head to Whole Foods and run around madly with a budget of $250 and 30 minutes. Ty-lör is excited about the fact that this is the first individual challenge. Paul knows it’s important to cook for the clients in this kind of situation, not for yourself. Chris C. is making a cupcake recipe he’s not tested. Commercial.

Back. The chefs return to their houses and start to work. Sarah is excited to cook Italian food. Ty-lör is determined not to end up back at judges’ table. Chris C. is making a dish that looks “exactly like a cigar,” which Paul doesn’t think is the best idea, because with a situation like this you want to impress the lady of the house. Paul continues his streak of making me like him by thinking about the tasks more than the others. Heather is aggravated with Beverly because she’s hogging up the entire kitchen. Beverly also apparently moved Nyesha’s blanching water and strainer. Now everyone hates Beverly, which is kind of ok with me since I’m not fond of her either.

At dessert house, Edward is making pannna cotta, and refuses to feed 12 people based on one couple’s likes and dislikes. Just come out and say it, Edward – one couple’s tacky-ass likes and dislikes. You and I both know that’s what you’re thinking.

Back at the Whitman’s house, a bunch of suburbanites and the judges show up for their appetizers. Mrs. Whitman is Canadian like Gail. Paul talks about pushing himself to do better and evolve. I like Paul.

The appetizer team begins presenting their plates. First up is Chris J, who has done a Roasted Chicken Cigar with Sweet Corn, Collard Greens, and Cumin Ash. It looks pretty much exactly like the one featured on All Top Chef last week as being a regular menu item at Moto. Which… ok, they all do dishes from their restaurants, but the fact that he’s doing this one totally belies all his claims that he was inspired by Justin’s cigar collection. Congratulations, All Top Chef and Richie! You totally blew up Chris J’s spot! A huge part of me hopes it was intentional – I find him creepy.

ANYWAY. Back to the food. Sarah’s dish is Grilled Roman-Style Artichokes with Date Purée. Lindsay has made a Roasted and Raw Beet Salad with Chickpeas & Greek Vinaigrette, aka Salad of Anaphylactic Death. Whitney has made a Seared Scallop over Sweet Corn Puree.

Everyone picks up plates and heads back to the living room for eating and more suburban chit chat. Tom thinks Chris’ cigar is dry, and a wife – Kameron?-- says the idea of eating a cigar doesn’t appeal to her. Mrs. Whitman loves Sarah’s artichoke. Besh finds Lindsey’s beets boring. They love Paul’s Brussels Sprouts. Whitney’s wasn’t a conversation starter. Justin says some of the dishes were great while others didn’t work. “So…close, but no cigar?” Tom jokes. They all give droll suburban laughs.

At entrée house, Chuy has wrecked his salmon. Ty-lör and Heather are happy to be there together because they’re good friends. Ty-lör screws up his presentation.

The chefs present their dishes family style. Heather’s is Garlic and Rosemary Grilled Lamb Chops with Garbanzo Beans & Mint Chimichurri. (YUM). Chuy has made Sockeye Salmon Filet Stuffed with Goat Cheese. Beverly’s dish is Seared Scallop with Creamy Polenta, and Paul’s is Fried Brussels Sprouts with Grilled Prosciutto. Yum – I’m on such a polenta and risotto kick lately. It isn’t even funny. It’s a total betrayal of my terroni roots. Ty-lör’s entrée is Grilled Pork Tenderloin with Summer Slaw, and Nyesha has made a Roasted Filet of Beef with Vegetable Mélange that looks very rare.

One of the husbands finds Chuy’s salmon stringy, but likes Beverly’s salmon. Gail finds Ty-lör’s pork dry, and one of the older wives says it reminds her of something her parents would’ve made in the ‘50s. Heather’s lamb is overcooked, and Nyesha’s beef looks like it’s been decorated with blood.

Over at dessert house, Dakota is looking for a vessel to serve her milkshake in. Unable to find one, she fashions shot glasses out of dates. Grayson is afraid her sponge cake won’t be spongy. Chris has mixed emotions about his cupcake.

The chefs present their desserts beginning with Dakota’s Banana Bread Pudding, Banana Mousse and Banana Date Milkshake. Sweet Mary, that looks so goddamn good. Chris C. has made a Strawberry Cupcake with Banana Custard and Chocolate Icing, while Edward’s dessert is Panna Cotta, Cantaloupe Consommé and Raspberries Stuffed with Basil Pudding. We end with Grayson’s Chocolate Sponge Cake, Caramelized Bananas and Semifreddo. Sweet Mary, that looks so goddamn good. Well done, dessert ladies.

Kari finds Edward’s dish “jiggly looking.” A husband finds Grayson’s cake a bit too rich. Court loves Chris’s cupcake, but Tom can’t think of anything nice to say about it so he remains silent. Old wife says she could eat Dakota’s bread pudding every day.

The neighbors then head out to have margaritas while the judges make their decisions. Commercial.

Fakeback. We hear about Chuy’s stories about his dad, who apparently is Superman.

Really back. The chefs appear to be sitting around in a back yard, talking about how they did. Yep, they’re still at dessert house. Padma calls back Sarah, Grayson, Paul, and Dakota. They served the favorite dishes of the evening! Yay! Tom loved the salty aspects of Grayson’s dessert. John Besh liked the refined flavors in Sarah’s appetizer. Gail found Dakota’s bread pudding nostalgic and comforting, and Paul’s sprouts made sense to Tom.

And the winner is…. Paul! Yay! I like him. He says it’s a huge boost to his morale, and he’s representing for Texas. Now he has to call back Chris, Chris, Ty-lör and Chuy.

They, naturally, have the judges’ least favorite dishes. Tom didn’t know where Chris C’s dessert started and where it ends. He says it felt like it was designed by a 3 year old who went crazy at a birthday party. John Besh says he gave in to too many of the clients’ whims.

Gail found Ty-lör’s dish disproportionate, and John Besh says the meat was kind of “hacked.” Chuy says he’s done his dish before in the restaurant. Gail could see the “bagels and lox” inspiration, but says that wasn’t what it tasted like.

Tom says Chris J. should’ve tossed the cigar idea and done what was right for the ingredients, and Besh says he got caught up in the gimmick and didn’t focus on good food. It’s dead on criticism – clearly he wanted to do an impressive presentation that he was comfortable with, and didn’t pay as much attention to the flavors.

The cheftestants are dismissed and head back to the yard. Tom says the chefs cooked like they were throwing darts at a dart board. Besh didn’t see any redeeming value in Chuy’s dish. Gail says Chris J’s cigar was hard to eat and unappealing, and Tom says he fell in love with the idea and couldn’t make it work. Gail couldn’t make sense of Chris C’s cupcake dish, and Tom agrees it was a mess “bad on top of bad on top of bad.” John Besh is more offended by Ty-lör’s pork tenderloin, which Padma calls “so much and nothing at all.” They reach a decision, and we cut to commercial.

Back. Tom says that they all could’ve corrected their mistakes by thinking things through. Chris’s dish didn’t make sense. Ty-lör should’ve used fewer ingredients and focused. Chuy gave them overcooked salmon and goat cheese. And Chris J. should’ve edited.

Padma tells … Chuy to pack his knives and go. Everyone else sags with relief. Chuy wanted to see himself go further because he was having fun. He goes out and says goodbye to everyone else. He wanted to make a mark since he’s the youngest person in the competition, but he thinks his dad would be proud.

Next! SOUTHFORK RANCH, MOTHERFUCKERS! I need a medic right now! I’m concerned about my hand, and I’m concerned about being eliminated. If I was in a restaurant, you’d be refunding that money.

And in Last Chance Kitchen, Chuy will face Keith. Chuy doesn’t stand a chance, right?(Spoiler Alert): He totally does, though, defeating Keith in a challenge that involves them butchering and cooking their own steaks. Oh well. At least now he’s just on the internet and we don’t have to listen to another story about his dad until/unless he manages to cook his way back into the competition.

Top Chef: Chili Today, Hot Tamale

2011-11-25T10:14:00.001Z

Richie Farina
Your name is a cereal
Your palate, salty.

I know. I know, I know, I know. I am the WORST.

Here’s my very short litany of excuses: I was super, super sick last weekend. Like two days on the couch, breathing through my mouth, eating only broth and toast sick. I watched a LOT of TV, but the last thing I wanted to do was think about any of it. So I never got around to recapping last week’s episode, which I feel doubly bad about since I’ve been dying for them to do a snake challenge for years now, and which one do I drop the ball on? The one with the snake challenge. Dammit. Mea culpa.

Mea NOT culpa, though, for this week’s being a day late. I was all but finished when I went to bed Wednesday night. I woke up Thursday morning, made the dessert to take to Thanksgiving, and then sat down to add the pictures and put on the finishing touches.

And Bravo’s website was COMPLETELY fekakta. Selecting Top Chef from any menu redirected you to a page from the second season of Shear Genius. The pictures weren’t there. Everything was jacked, and if I couldn’t get it done first thing in the morning, I knew I wasn’t going to have time during the rest of the day.

But here we are, now, with all of the pictures and most (ahem, Bravo interns) of the food descriptions up on the site, ready to rock and roll.

So Richie. I liked Richie, right up until the point the crying started. I was kind of hoping he’d make it awhile, and at the very least, I wanted him to make it past his boss or mentor or brother or whatever they call each other in their weird little too-close-for-comfort relationship. Because frankly, Chris Jones comes across as a bit of a douche, and even though Richie is right in there with him in their insane “do it for Moto / I failed Moto” Stockholm syndrome or whatever it is, Richie seemed a bit sweeter and more genuine.

And then he just lost it there at the end, and I couldn’t help but pull my head back a little and go “dude.” Have we ever seen an eliminated contestant look that helpless and broken when the judges told him/her to pack up and go before? Irrational, yes. Erratic, yes. But Richie was a special kind of wounded there, and it freaked me out a bit.

The challenge…meh. It was a chili cook off. It’s definitely Texas, but it hardly seems Top Chef worthy. So let’s just see how it played out.

Night. Chef House. The people who were in the bottom talk about how it was an eye opening experience, and how Keith went home for his flour tortillas. Nyesha says she’s seeing people’s true cut-throat colors come out.

Next morning. They walk into the kitchen and see an array of chilis and the Two Hot Tamales, Mary Sue Miliken and Susan Fenniger. Padma tells them that this challenge is designed to reward those with the confidence to take risks. They each have to choose one chili pepper and create a dish that highlights it. The amount of money they earn varies based on the Scoville Unit heat of the chilis, with the Ghost Chili earning $20,000.

30 minutes to cook. Food Flurry. Beverly goes with the wimpy Anaheim because she thinks she can make a good tasting dish with it even though it’s only worth $200. Richie picks the $3,000 Fresno pepper, which is one hotter than a jalapeno.

Chris has issues with spicy food, so he picks the $7,500 Manzano and hopes not choosing the ghost won’t take him out. Heather is using the $10,000 Thai chili and pickling it. Chuy uses the Habañero because it’s his absolute favorite. It’s also worth $12,500. Two of the ladies are also using Habañeros. I’m not shocked – Habañero has a fair bit of spice, but it’s also a fairly common pepper that most of these guys are going to be comfortable cooking with. Paul is the only one using the Ghost Chili.

Five minutes left. Beverly notices she’s the only one who didn’t cook her chili. Richie’s chili isn’t as spicy as he expected. Time.

The judges begin tasting with Beverly, who has made Anaheim Chili Crudite with Samjang Paste. Sarah’s dish, Salmon Belly Seared with Fresno Chili Relish comes next. Richie presents his Fresno Slaw with Pineapple Curd & Seared Bay Scallops. Chris Jones has made Seared Chicken with Manzano Vinaigrette. Chris C’s dish is Coconut Soup with Thai Chili.

Heather has made Date & Pistachio Cous Cous, Pickled Cucumbers, Red Onions & Thai Chili. Chuy has turned his Habañeros into Sautéed Scallop with Achiote. Grayson has made Habañero Popper with Cream Lime Sauce. And Nyesha has used her habañeros in a Baby Fennel & Rock Shrimp Salad with Orange Habañero Vinaigrette. Finally, Paul has highlighted the Ghost Chili in Chilled Coconut Soup with Kaffir Lime, Ghost Pepper Relish.

The judges’ least favorites were Beverly, who didn’t do enough with her chili; Richie, who lost the power of his chili in the sweetness of his dish, and Chuy, who overpowered his habañeros with canned tomatoes.

On the top we have Heather, whose dish was exactly the kind of food Susan loves to eat; Grayson who totally showcased the chili; and Paul who went after the Ghost chili. And the winner is… Commercial. I hate when they do that.

Back! The winner of the quickfire challenge is… Paul! And he wins $20,000 and immunity for rolling the dice with the ghost chili. Good for Paul!

Moving to the elimination challenge, Padma tells them they’ll be competing in an age-old Texas tradition: the chili cook off. They’re in five teams of three to create a pot of chili…and they’ll have all night to cook back at their house. They’ll serve tomorrow at the Tejas Rodeo.

Sarah tells us her dad was a bull rider. Padma adds that they’ll be serving 200 cowboys and rodeo regulars, who will choose the winner.

They hit Whole Foods with 30 minutes to chop, and everyone charges the meat counter, buying up all the brisket. Whitney gets gamed out of any brisket despite being the first one to the counter, and ends up getting short ribs instead. Chris C. and Sarah get into a tussle at the check-out.

They get back to the house at 3:49 p.m.. Nyesha scalps all the beer from the kitchen. Chris sets up a cooking spot in the outdoor grilling area. Grayson wrangles for space in the fire pit.

There’s a lot of chopping and cooking, and suddenly it’s 7:40 p.m. The grillers are grilling, the choppers are chopping… and Tom walks in. He wanders around to all of the teams and asks his usual questions about what they’re doing. Commercial.

Back. 10:48 p.m. The chefs are getting tired. Edward knocks a wine bottle against the wall to get out the cork. Some people jump into the pool. Chuy dances. Chuy tells stories. Chuy gets pantsed. 1:16 a.m. 3:08 a.m. The black team is finished with their chili. Nyesha thinks they’ve made something special. The white team is determined to stay up. Ty-Lor is sleeping with his eyes open. At 5;12, Sarah jumps in the shower.

Shortly thereafter, the ones who went to bed get back up, and they all put on their coats and head out in their product placement vehicles to go to the rodeo.

On arrival, they all race to their stands and put on cowboy hats. The Westerner in me hates all of their asses right now for being such dudes, wearing their costumey cowboy hats and stupid kercheifs. They start reheating the chili, tasting, slicing cornbread. Etc. Etc. Etc.

The rodeo folk start to enter and taste chili. The black team worries that their mole chili is too complex for the cowboys. Eventually, the judges enter: Tom, Gail, Padma, and the Two Hot Tamales. The judges begin at the Green Team’s table for chili with roasted corn garnish, which Bravo has somehow seen fit not to describe on their website despite the fact that (spoiler alert!) it ends up being the winner. Mary Sue loves the depth of flavor, and Tom thinks it grows on you and gets better and better. Gail finds it a little thin and wishes there was something to soak it up.

The judges hit the Red Team’s table next for their chili, which is also getting the royal snubola from Bravo. Gail thinks it has a subtle smokiness and the right amount of heat. Mary Sue finds the texture a little stringy.

Over at the blue team’s table, the judges are served Smoked Brisket Chili with Summer Pickles with pork rinds on the top. Gail says pickled peaches are now her official favorite thing to eat with chili. Tom says the vegetables and sauce are better than the chili itself.

The black team’s "Chili Mole" with Cornbread is next. Susan says their cornbread is moister and more flavorful. Mary Sue wishes they’d had more of a focus for what they were going after.

Finally, they get the White Team’s Three Bean & Three Beef Chili & Poblamno Corn Bread. Poblamno? Really, Bravo? Really? You’re almost making it seem like the two teams you snubbed are getting off easy because you didn’t butcher the names of their dishes. Anyway. Gail wishes they hadn’t put the pickled vegetables in the chili, but Susan loves it. Tom says he’s glad he’s not choosing the winner, because that will be hard. He thinks the Black team’s was way too sweet, and Gail agrees it didn’t “feel like a chili.” Tom liked the red team’s flavor, but didn’t care for the texture of the shredded beef. Susan says that the White team’s was flat and didn’t have any heat. Blondie on the white team talks about being in the bottom on the last challenge and how there’s no way she’s going back there. Commercial.

Back. It’s rodeo time! The other attendees all clap for the cheftestants as they enter. Some asshole says “I am the giver of life. I am the giver of life.” What the fuck? What? What???? Who said that, and what the bluedilly fuck did it mean?

They watch the rodeo. Beverly cries because she wishes her husband was there to experience it. Nyesha wishes she’d suck it up. “There’s no crying in cooking,” she interviews. The emcee says that it’s time to announce the 2011 Tejas Rodeo chili cookoff winner, and Padma enters on a horse…which Chris C. compares to “seeing Fabio on the cover of one of his romance novels.” That is…weirdly apt. Well done, Chris C. I’m starting to like you, which I wasn’t doing so much since you spent a lot of the episode bitching about Sarah (even though I like Sarah way, way less than I like you).

Padma thanks everyone for coming, and announces that the winner is… the Green Team! Sarah says it makes her proud to be a Texan. Oh, shut the hell up.

Padma then announces that the Black Team had the least favorite, and someone from their team will go home. But… they’ll have the chance to prove they belong if they can transform the losing chili into a winning dish in 30 minutes. Time starts now. They run back to the rodeo grounds’ kitchen to cook.

Food flurry. Richie is coating pork tenderloins in Fritos. Beverly strains the chili into a sauce for tuna. Nyesha does the same thing, but for a frito crusted shrimp salad.

The other chefs sit around at picnic tables and talk about how they don’t envy the black team. Chris says something about how Richie would literally rip his kidney out of his body if you needed it.

Time is up, and Nyesha worries that she didn’t put enough sauce on the plate. Beverly presents her Seared Tuna with Habañero Creamed Corn. Nyesha’s dish is Frito-Encrusted Black Tiger Shrimp with Roasted Corn Salsa. And Richie’s is Frito-Encrusted Pork Tenderloin, Potato Hash & Ricotta Cheese Chili Puree.

The judges talk. Susan says Richie’s dish lacked seasoning, and Tom says it was one note. But Padma points out he did a lot in 30 minutes. Gail thought Nyesha did a good job with her shrimp, but it needed sauce, and Tom says the corn salad was sad. Mary Sue says Beverly made the best use of the chili, and she really changed the flavor profile. Commercial.

Fake back. They talk about what assholes they are to ask such tired chefs to cook again.

Really back. Tom tells Beverly that she fixed all the flaws and came up with a new dish, and she’s safe. Nyesha’s dish was nice, but didn’t go far enough. And Richie had a great idea that never came together.

Padma tells…Richie to pack his knives and go. He manages to thank them, but there are so many tears behind his voice. Poor kid. He basically falls into Chris Jones’ arms and cries about how he didn’t show what Moto can do, and Chris tells him he loves him. Richie says you can’t prep yourself for the emotional strain. He wishes everyone else luck, and hopes Chris will “be the Jedi you are and make it to the finals and win it all.”

Next! Dallas! Road closed! This is your kitchen! John Besh is a handsome man, I’m not going to lie. You can smell the smell of money. Man come on. This is Top Chef.

And on the interwebs, Richie cooks against Keith in the last chance kitchen, where they [spoiler alert!] compete to see who can make the best dish using Thanksgiving leftovers. Keith wins for a dish that features a stuffing and blue cheese fritter that I might have to take a shot at.

Oh hear the bell ring/ Feel syphilis sting/ Hurrah for Thanksgiving Day!

2011-11-23T07:26:00.000Z

I thought this year -- as I did last year -- about not sharing the story of the Thanksgiving I Didn't Have Syphilis.

I mean, we've all heard it by now, right? Thanksgiving, rash, syphilis, anger, no syphilis.

And then when I did decide I was going to do it, I thought for as long a time about how to introduce it.

And then I realized that this whole process -- the weighing whether or not to share the story, then deciding to share the story, then writing a lengthy introduction about how I almost didn't share the story -- has become as much a part of the story as Henry and the Borg and the sausage stuffing and the incompetent blood tech and the syphilis and everything else.

And that's how holidays happen, maybe. You start off with some Native Americans getting some Protestant jaggoffs out of a scrape they got themselves into, and you end up with green bean casserole and three football games a predictable fight between your Auntie Evelyn and your Nana Rose.

So here it is, children, without further ado: the seventh annual retelling of It's The Great Syphilis, Jordan Baker!

Today we celebrate the day when some of my ancestors saved a bunch of damned New England WASPs from starvation, only to be thanked with the tremendous gifts of smallpox and Christianity.

I would like to tell you about the glory days of my people, when apparently they roamed the earth in wagons drawn by impossibly large turkeys. But since I’m only like 1/64th Native American, and hence not really credible when I try to pull off the bitter and disenfranchised routine, I thought I’d tell you a quite different story of Thanksgivings of yore.

Tomorrow I'll make my usual Thanksgiving trip down to SoMD to see my relatives. Six years ago, though, I made up a thoroughly implausible story involving a bereaved friend I’d promised to spend Thanksgiving with, and bailed on the whole thing. I made two pies (one pumpkin, one bourbon chocolate pecan), and glutted myself on wine and sausage stuffing at Megarita’s dinner.

The next morning, I woke up with red spots on my hands, feet, knees, and chest.

I’m allergic to very few things in life, but when I have a reaction, it tends to be serious and swift. So I knew from previous experience (with a Sulfa medicine in college) that the spots would soon be followed by nausea, dizziness, difficulty breathing, swelling of the throat, weakening of the joints, blurred vision, and collapsing in a heap in the bathroom. And I knew it was time for a visit to the hospital.

But. . .it was the day after Thanksgiving. Roommate was out of town. Peacock was out of town. Everyone I knew in the city was out of town. I called L and the Fauxiance. Both out of town. So I dressed myself quickly and dragged myself downstairs, planning to head for the train.

Fortunately, the Borg was there. "Yordan," he said, "how was jor Thanksgeeveeng?" Then he did a double take. "Ju have espots on ju."

I asked him to drive me to GW Hospital, and he said “jes.” So he dropped me off at the entrance to the emergency room, where I showed them my "espots." They quickly got me into a little curtained cubby, made me put on a paper gown, and there I sat, waiting.

And waiting.

And. . .waiting.

While I was waiting, I eavesdropped on the woman in the curtain next to me, who apparently had a “tree shaped rash.” “You probably have syphilis,” the doctor told her.

“I don’t have syphilis,” the woman replied.

“Everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis,” the doctor replied, condescendingly.

“No,” the woman said. “I know I don’t have syphilis. I just had a baby; they gave me a syphilis test when I found out I was pregnant. I don’t have syphilis.”

“Oh,” the doctor said, sounding disappointed.

Finally, a med student came in to see me, so in addition to being covered with spots, I now have the indignity of having a doctor younger than me for the first time in my life. His name was Henry, and he had “never seen anything like” my rash before. I tried to explain to him that I, in fact, had—on my own skin, anytime I had an allergic reaction to something.

Henry decided that an MA in English didn’t make me qualified to diagnose my own rash, and went to get his textbook so he could compare my rash to pictures of other rashes.

I waited. It’s probably meningitis, I thought to myself. Every time I’ve been sick in my life, since I was about three years old, people have thought it was meningitis. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the words “It’s either (insert totally benign condition here), or it’s meningitis” (The number of totally benign conditions which are apparently just like the initial stages of meningitis would blow your minds).

It’s never been meningitis yet (touch wood), which means that a) someday, it will be, and b) I now laugh every time a doctor says it might be meningitis—in both a bitter “maybe my number’s up” and a snide “the second time (and all subsequent times since I was three) it’s farce” kind of way.

Henry came back with the Attending, who had been the source of the dire warnings on the other side of the curtain earlier. “What do we have to think when we see a rash on the hands, feet, and knees?” she asked Henry.“Meningitis?” Henry said hopefully. I started laughing--life is so damned predictable sometimes.

The Attending looked at me disapprovingly—galled that anyone could find anything funny about meningitis. “No,” she said. “Syphilis.”

I stopped laughing. “I don’t have syphilis,” I told her.

“Everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis,” she replied condescendingly.

“No,” I told her, “I know everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis. I can’t have syphilis. I’m extremely sexually cautious. I get a full battery of STD tests every September when I go in for my annual, and I’ve only had one sexual partner in the last year. If I have syphilis,” I ended, tears beginning to well up “I am going to need to buy a gun and take the train out to Clarendon post-haste.”

“Test her for syphilis. And meningitis,” the Attending told Henry.

Henry waited until she walked off. “I know I shouldn’t be saying this,” he said, “but you don’t strike me as the sort of person who gets syphilis*.”

I sniffed. “You have good instincts, Henry. You’ll make an excellent doctor someday.”

So I waited some more, until the blood-tech came in to see me. He took my right arm, and found a vein almost right away, which is rare—it’s usually hard for people to find a vein in my right arm. “You’re very good at that,” I told him.

“Thanks,” he said, “it’s my first time.”

I shut my eyes. “You really shouldn’t have told me that,” I replied.

Moments later, he said “oops!” and explained that he’d blown my vein. So he walked off with about a gallon of my blood, and Henry came back and put my feet up, gave me juice, and explained that I had to stay awhile to make sure I wouldn’t pass out on my way home, and that I should call Monday for my blood results.

So I waited.

And waited.

I took Benadryl Friday night, and Saturday morning, the spots were gone. Monday I called the hospital, and they informed me that due to a backlog from the holiday, my bloodwork hadn’t been completed yet and I should call again Tuesday.

Tuesday I called again, and was transferred five or six times before a somewhat sheepish lab administrator explained to me that they’d lost my blood.

I gave him a few choice words about what I thought about a major teaching hospital that could misplace a gallon of blood that some untrained boy candy striper had blown a vein trying to draw.

He waited patiently and told me that I should contact my normal doctor so I could be tested for meningitis and syphilis.

"The rash is gone,” I told him. “It went away the next day. Plus, I looked up syphilis online, and it said that the rash for that would be copper colored. Mine was pink. And I was tested for meningitis when I had a cold earlier in the month. And the spots went away after I took Benadryl, so I think it was just an allergic reaction.”

He then told me in a few choice words what he thought about English teachers who tried to diagnose themselves by using the internets, and reiterated his belief that I should get tested.

So I went into Turtle U’s health center—where they cheerily informed me that they would do the tests for free since as a state employee, I could be a public health risk if I had either of these diseases. Woo-hoo! Talk about your unexpected benefits! My salary bites, but I can get free syph tests whenever I want to! Sign me up, baby! I need to start milking this!

And they drew another gallon of blood, and told me to come back in a week. Long story short (too late!) I didn’t have syphilis or meningitis. The doctors informed me that it had probably been an allergic reaction to something I ate at Thanksgiving.Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh wait. I did. The girl with the pink "espots" and the MA in English figured out what she had days before the staff of George Washington University Hospital or the State of Maryland’s Bureau of Public Health.

Ass bastards.

So today, as you bow your heads and thank whatever higher power you struggle with your tenuous belief in for the bounty s/he has laid before you, take a moment to thank him/her for your health, and to ask him/her not to smite you with spots in the next few days.

Because let me tell you, the day after Thanksgiving, the emergency room staff of most major hospitals are just looking to tell you that you have something more exciting than allergic reaction. Which is exactly what it’ll end up being anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Don’t get syphilis.

Powerless

2011-11-17T06:43:00.000Z

Last night at 8:47, our power went out.

And then it stayed out until 10:39.

And then it went out again at some point -- I'm not sure when. It was back on when I woke up around 2, but it had un-set the clocks again (since I'd carefully reset them at 10:39).

But the long and the short of it is: I had no TV, so I could not watch Top Chef, so there is no recap as yet.

Instead, please enjoy this picture of my cat trying to figure out what the hell a candle is.

Recap sometime this weekend, probably Saturday.

Top Chef: All My Ex-Chefs Live in Texas, part two

2011-11-10T07:14:00.001Z

Poppets, can I just tell you? I almost didn’t watch last night. I have been beyond exhausted this week – the stupid time change has done my head in this year in a way it never has in the ten years since I left the Gr8 St8 of Arizona (that’s how they teach you to spell Great and State in Arizona, which so seldom does anything right that their occasional rejection of horrible things like Daylight Savings Time and Russell Pearce look all the more remarkable). Also, I’m dealing with either the last, lingering remnants or the terrible resurgence of a cold I’ve had for WEEKS now that I just can’t shake. Also, Law & Order: UK was really good last night and I kind of just wanted to follow that up by either going to bed on a high note or watching Whitechapel live for the first time and prolonging the tension high I was on.

But I struggled through. For you, you know, and because I figure it will probably be somewhat easier to learn the names of the final 16 chefs if I’ve had an introduction to them.

Here’s what I’m feeling, kittens: this season of the show is overburdened with too many twists. First you’ve got the “cook in” round. Then you’ve got the fact that they’re travelling ALL OVER TEXAS instead of having one home base city. There are now five “permanent” judges instead of the usual four – will they even have guest judges? And now there’s this “Last Chance Kitchen” nonsense, where the eliminated chefs will have a chance to cook their way back into the kitchen.

The next thing you know, they’ll be hiding immunity idols in the pantry and forcing them to play on “tribes” sorted out by their race or gender. Team Rainbow will no longer be a cute little self imposed nickname; it will be the designation under which all of the gay and lesbian chefs are forced to compete together against the straight chefs.

What I’m saying is that with all these new, unnecessary twists all at once, they’re in danger of destroying the show’s beautiful simplicity. The sharks are lining up and Fonzie is revving his motorcycle. I’m a bit worried.

But let’s just do this.

After a refresher on everything that happened during last week’s episode, we pick up where we left off: back at the Alamo with two of the initial heats down and the third yet to go. The chefs on the bubble ponder what their ultimate face off will consist of, and we learn a bit about some of them… but why bother? At best, a fraction of them are moving forward. Edward Lee jokes that there’ll be no spots left for any of them. I think that’s closer to the truth than he realizes, since 11 of the 16 spots have already been filled.

The third and final group enters the kitchen for their heat. They’re faced with Padma in a new muumuu – so is it a new day, or did they just have Padma change muumuus halfway through Day One to signify that it would be a new episode? Or did she spill something on the previous muumuu while she was tasting the food from the first rounds? – and Tom and Hugh. Hugh! Chef Chaz tells us he had Padma’s picture in his locker in middle school. I bet that makes Padma feel good…and/or old.

We hear about the chefs in this heat, but again… let’s not bother. One is a girl with cool glasses, one is an old dude, two are from Texas, one seems to be named Kim Colicchio (except it’s spelled Calicchio, and –spoiler alert – she doesn’t make it through, thus robbing me of a season’s worth of opportunities for nepotism jokes), and Chaz jokes that he was nominated by his “mom as one of her two favorite sons.” I like Chaz.

Padma shows them a table with ten items, and says they’ll each cook with one of the ingredients…but don’t touch the cloche, because there’s a surprise under it. The chefs go up and choose their ingredients. Glasses girl and big Texas guy rock-paper-scissors for the mushrooms.

Then the chefs lift their cloches, all of which have timers set with different times. They each have to create a dish with the time shown on their timers. Chaz has 40 minutes to make risotto. Glasses girl has an hour for Oxtail. Big guy only has 20 minutes for mushrooms.

Their time…or times…starts now. Tom and Hugh wander around the kitchen asking people about what they’re making. Mushroom dude is sweating the time. Glasses girl is pressure cooking her oxtail, and can’t tell if her pressure cooker has locked. She’s making a dish inspired by her husband’s Philipino grandmother. The old guy is also French, from the Loire Valley. He’s my new favorite. You go, Old French Guy!

More cooking and talking. Ten minutes until the first group serves. The blonde girl runs away from Tom because she doesn’t have time to talk to him. One minute. Mushroom guy is in trouble. Commercial.

Back. Kim presents her Lamb Chop with Kalamata Olives and Arugula to the judges first, followed by Andrew’s Roasted Mushrooms with Brown Butter Vinaigrette, Crispy Spinach, and Poached Egg, and Paul’s Trout with Southeast Asian Tomato Salad. The trout is Tom’s favorite of the group, and he wants him to continue. Hugh agrees. Paul is moving on. Padma thought Kim’s lamb was greasy, and Tom says it was overcooked. She has to pack her knives and go. Tom says that he thinks Andrew should be on the bubble, and Padma agrees. So that’s twelve in and five on the bubble.

The “40 minute group” continues preparing their food. Laurent tells us that in France, you either become “a cook…a priest…or an army guy,” and that it’s usually “the worst in the family” who becomes a cook. I LOVE HIM. KEEP HIM, PLEASE. Chaz continues freaking out about his risotto. Ultimately, he does not get it on the plate, and has to pack his knives and go.

The rest of the 40 minute group presents their food, beginning with Berenice’s Asian Style Short Rib with Cabbage Slaw. Laurent presents his Duck, which for some reason Bravo has not seen fit to describe and since it’s the only thing they’ve left out, I don’t feel like powering up the TV and DVR again just to find out what it was, and then we have Jonathan’s Brussels Sprouts with Tomato Sofrito and Hazelnut Gremolata. Fact: I had Brussels Sprouts last night for dinner. They were maple and balsamic roasted, using this recipe. They looked a damn sight better than Jonathan’s, and only took 35 minutes to cook [once I got past the cleaning and slicing, which always takes for freaking ever]).

Anyway, Tom says Jonathan’s Brussels sprouts weren’t cooked, and Hugh agrees: he has to go home. Hugh wants to put Laurent on the bubble because his plate didn’t make sense. Tom says flat out no. So it’s left to Padma, who puts him on the bubble. Thank you, Padma. Thank you for keeping the old bald Frenchman. Hugh says Berenice’s short ribs were one dimensional and uninspired. Tom agrees that she should go home.

See, THAT’S more like it. A round where NO ONE gets in outright. That’s the sort of hard, decisive action the show needs to take more often.

The sixty minute group is finishing up. Lindsey is stressing out over her osso bucco. Ashley can’t get the pressure cooker lid off her oxtail. Commercial.

Back. The 60 minute group has 8 minutes left. Ashley still can’t get her pressure cooker open, so Lindsey tells her to run it under cold water. It’s not tender enough, and Beverly’s octopus is tough. The ladies approach the judges.

Ashley opens with her Braised Oxtail "Kare Kare". Lindsey explains her Braised Veal, Creamy Polenta, and Warm Salad, and Beverly tells them about her Korean Style Octopus "Nakji Bokum". Tom tells Lindsey he loves her dish, and would be happy to give her a coat. Hugh agrees. Lindsey is in. Three spots left…

Tom wishes Ashley’s oxtail were cooked more. He doesn’t see it, but Padma puts her on the bubble. Hugh can’t put her through, though, so she has to pack her knives and go. Tom says Beverly’s dish was “crazy risky,” but he liked it. Hugh agrees that she earned a Top Chef jacket.

The chefs who passed the third heat turn up at the Top Chef house and walk in on a party in progress with the other chefs.

The chefs on the bubble are still sitting in the stew room. Edward laughs mockingly at the girl who cooks on the cruise ship. They all try to figure out how many spots are left. Edward says he’d kill the other five of them to get that jacket, but fortunately, Padma comes to get them before it reaches to that point.

They enter the kitchen for the final cook-off, where they see Padma, Hugh, Tom, and Emeril. There are 6 of them and 2 spots left. They can use any ingredients in the kitchen, and have 45 minutes to make one dish to show them why they should be there. Cruise ship girl frets because the focus is so broad.

Food flurry. They all talk about why they’re there. One of them has been recently dumped over the phone after nine years and a lovely commitment ceremony. Edward goes with duck because everyone else is doing seafood. Commercial.

Fake back. The chefs sort out their beds Goldilocks style. “this bed’s too hard! This bed’s too soft!” Keith says it’s crazy to shove his 6’4” 300 lbs self into a bunk bed.

Really back. The food flurry continues for the on the bubble chefs. Edward is feeling good…until he basically slashes his finger off. He throws a glove on and keeps moving…and gushing blood out his glove. The medic tries to treat him while he’s cooking. Edward vows to cook with his feet if he has to.

Twenty minutes. Dumped-after-commitment-ceremony feels good about her dish. Cruise ship Molly is stressed, but focused. Girl who got screwed by Tyler Stone’s butchering is glad to have everything under her own control. Time.

Edward presents his Duck with BBQ Sauce and Sweet Asian Custard to the judges first. Then we hear about Molly’s Jumbo Stuffed Prawn, Mousseline of Shrimp with Soy Glazed Watermelon and Rice; Janine’s Seared Scallop with Baby Clams, Bacon, Corn, and Watermelon Garnish; Grayson’s Polenta with Bacon Wrapped Shrimp and Port Wine Fig Sauce (ok, not an original basis but the preparation sounds just yum); Laurent’s Scallop Two Ways: Tartar and Seared on a Bed of Fennel with Saffron; and Andrew’s Mussels with Sherry, Fregula, Charred Corn Panna Cotta, and Shrimp.

Padma asks Janine how she feels she did. Janine thinks she simplified as the judges advised. Hugh doesn’t think the watermelon is well integrated. Emeril thinks it’s simple but well executed.

Molly hopes her dish will earn her a coat, but Tom says the shrimp is overcooked. Hugh says it came ‘thisclose” to being a magnificent dish.

Edward thinks he’s made a pretty good dish. Emeril loves his flavors and says the presentation’s fantastic, but Hugh thinks the duck went a bit over.

Tom tries to figure out the intention in Grayson’s dish, and after freaking her out sufficiently tells her it’s a nice dish. Emeril liked it.

He also likes the paparika in Andrew’s mussels, but is confused by the panna cotta.

Tom says Laurent’s tartare isn’t appetizing. Emeril says the hot scallop is cooked perfectly, but he agrees about the tartare.

Padma sends the chefs away so the judges can deliberate. And the judges say the same things they just said at greater length, and my GOD, I’m exhausted. I hate the stupid time change. I can’t pay attention. The chefs in the stew room wonder who’ll be in, and think Janine is a shoe in. The judges call them back to judges’ table.

Tom tells Molly that she completely hammered the shrimp, and must pack her knives and go. Tom says Laurent’s flavors didn’t work together. He must leave. NOOOOOo! Alright. See, I guess that’s the nice part about this initial round – you don’t get to know anyone, so you don’t get too attached, so you get over the losses pretty easily.

Ed made a gutsy call with the dish he chose, but the dish was overcooked. But he’s in! Because he cut a finger off, and nothing makes an Asian-Southern duck dish like a heaping side order of blood and tendons. That means there’s one slot left and three chefs remaining. Only one of them will move on to the real competition.

Tom tells Janine she put together a nice dish, but it wasn’t tied together. Grayson’s flavors were good, though it wasn’t the most imaginative dish. Andrew messed a good plate of food up by not just stopping with the mussels. Padma tells him to pack his knives and go.

So it’s Janine or Grayson. And we cut to commercial.

Back. Padma tells Grayson … that she’ll be moving on! So Janine must pack her knives and go. Grayson and Edward head to the Top Chef house and greet their fellow cheftestants, conscious of the fact that they made it by the skin of their teeth. Grayson doesn’t want anyone to think of them as the underdogs “we just got more experience, ok?” I like her.

This season: battling it out across the great state of Texas. Pee Wee Herman! I’d better see some motherfuckin' snakes on some motherfuckin' plates. As the temperature rises, tempers flare in Dallas. Charlize Theron. And people freak the fuck out in Austin. “You were drivin’ the bus, hittin' people.” And the biggest twist of all – the dumbass online last chance kitchen, hosted by Tom.

Ok, stop reading here if you don't want to hear about "Last Chance Kitchen," which I didn't so much watch as I listened to it in the background while I put together the recap (be advised, also, that people may be discussing it in the comments):

So on the plus side, it's not as much of a time suck as I feared. The episode was only 7 minutes long, and featured Janine and Andrew competing to make the best pizza within 30 minutes. Andrew won for making some sort of cheeseless pizza with salsa verde.

On the minus side... I still think it's a dumb, dumb idea. Because Andrew won, he gets to compete in the next Last Chance Kitchen against the eliminated chef from next week's episode. And then whoever wins that challenge cooks against the chef eliminated from the third week's challenge, and so on and so forth, right up to the very end.

And by the very end... They mean the FINALE. How would you feel if you'd cooked your way through every quickfire and every elimination from day one onward, and then you found yourself competing in the finale against someone who was eliminated in the first round?

And doesn't it also give the chef who was eliminated earlier of the two kind of an unfair advantage? the chefs leave the competition EXHAUSTED, physically and emotionally. And then right away, they find themselves having to face someone who -- while s/he is still playing for his/her life, technically -- is going to be relatively speaking fresh as a daisy, because they won't have all the stresses of multiple competitions every couple days, and all the tension in the house, and being judged day in and day out, and (this season) the travel?

Anyway. It kind of sticks in my craw. Also, it gives me something else I have to put aside a chunk of time for -- however tiny -- every week to really know what's going on.

Top Chef: All My Ex-Chefs Live In Texas

2011-11-03T07:13:00.000Z

Ladies and dudes, there were six million chefs in last night’s episode, and about a quarter million of those got sent home. We’re not writing a haiku for each of those bastards, and there’s no way we can sum them all up with one.

Indeed, Bravo hasn’t even included biographies of them on the website (Bravo hasn’t put up any bios yet, so it’s a safe assumption that they’re holding them back so they won’t spoil who’s in the top 16 and who’s not), so one could question whether they were ever really on the show at all. If Bravo doesn’t acknowledge them, did they ever really exist?

How’s that for 6 a.m. philosophy for you, kids? Not bad, huh?

So this new format. I like it in theory – I like the idea that the chefs are having to cook their way into the house to qualify for the series. At the same time, though it makes these first two weeks seem a little cheap – it’s kind of like the audition weeks of American Idol (I assume; I do not watch American Idol), but without as many insults or schadenfreude.

And really, I’d like the format a lot more if every third tweet across my feed last night wasn’t Tom or Padma or Gail or Andy Cohen or @BravoTopChef going “I love the new format. Isn’t the new format great. I love the new format where they have to cook their way in. It’s great that they have to cook their way in. So much more drama and tension with the great new format where they have to cook their way in.”

It’s one thing to tweet on message, guys; it’s another altogether to regurgitate corporate talking points in convenient, 140 character splashes.

Then there’s the other big change – this whole Tom AND Padma AND Gail AND Emeril AND Hugh business. Again, I like it in theory – at least I like the Hugh part in theory. I like Hugh. Emeril is kind of like a boiled ham come to life and festooned with catch phrases, but what can you do?

What I’m unclear on is how this is going to work. Are the two of them both going to alternate with Gail, meaning we get 1/3 of the episodes with each of them, rather than half Gail and half Ted/Toby, or 2/3 Gail 1/3 Ripert/Bourdain? Or is one of them there to alternate with Gail and the other to sub in for Tom occasionally? Or are we just going to have five judges all the time? It’s too many.

But let’s not judge things that haven’t happened yet – there’s so much to judge in this episode alone…

Morning! Texas. We see a lot of Texan things, like a car with horns (like bison horns on the hood, not a horn in the steering column) and the Alamo. Three million chefs walk up to Padma, and one dude with tall hair vows to stay in so he can keep looking at her. First obligatory “Padma is so hot” gag of the season….done! And we’re not even thirty seconds in.

Padma welcomes the chefs to the Alamo. We see one chef’s doofy casting video – Tyler Stone (note: I am linking to his website for mocking purposes, because it is the website of a tool, not as any sort of endorsement)– and learn that other are business partners. We see some others too, but seriously, there are like 90 of them. We’re not going to bother meeting them all when a bunch of them will be out the door by the end of the night.

Padma tells them they’ll be in three groups competing in three different challenges, and they’ll have to excel at their tests to qualify for one of 16 spots in the Top Chef House. There’s a bunch of meeping and moping about still having to qualify, and how they can’t believe they’re not already in the top 16.

A bunch of chefs wander into the Top Chef kitchen, where they’re met with a whole pig and Tom and Emeril. Tom introduces Emeril as a new judge for this season and then asks the chefs to introduce themselves. They do, but fuck it, there are too many of them, including Tyler Stone and the chef and sous chef at Moto in Chicago. Tom tells them that only 16 chefs will earn their schmancy new Top Chef coats, which are a sexy black or navy blue with gold or ecru piping.

For their qualifying dish, they’ll create a dish using the pig before them – there are 10 cuts of meat and 10 of them. They have to sort out who gets which bit of the pig themselves. They have an hour to cook, and will serve in three groups.

Time starts and the chefs call out dibs on different parts of the pig. The girl who gets tenderloin is psyched because she thinks its smooth sailing. The sous chef ends up with ears. Tyler Stone talks about how since he’s a personal chef for celebrities, he usually has his own butcher but he can do anything – he wrote a cookbook in 3.5 weeks! I already hate him. One dude with a beard owns a vegan restaurant and says this challenge is his worst nightmare.

Tom and Emeril wander around asking the chefs about what they’re doing. Tyler continues sawing at the meat. An older guy with bad ass tats is pissed that Tyler got the pork chops, and full of rage at watching him. He has also fucked up tenderloin girl’s tenderloin. Tom and Emeril are pissed, and there’s only half an hour left. Tom tells him to leave. “Pack up your knives and you can go.” Tyler says he knows he’s goin’ …right to the top! He should be punched in the face. I’m very disappointed that no one punches him in the face on his way out the door. Where’s your big, bad, Texas attitude, Top Chef? Punch that kid in the face! Commercial.

Back. Everyone is stressed out. Tom visits Grayson, who is trying to work with the miniature tenderloin that Tyler hacked the crap out of. Tom points out that she’s learned not to trust anyone in the kitchen. She’s stuffing her tenderloin with mushroom. Sarah, who works under Masters contestant Tony Mantuano is making ravioli stuffed with cotecchino. Nom. Simon, the guy with bad ass tats, mumbles some things – I believe he intimates that he learned cooking from you tube. Chris from Moto is making a play on a caramel apple. His sous chef, Rich, trusts Chris to check his food since he knows his own palate is salty.

One minute. Colin the vegan makes a huge mess of plating his soup. The first three chefs serve Tom, Emeril, and Padma. Emeril tells Colin that his soup is a disaster, and he has to head home. So that’s two down. He leaves more gracefully than smirky Tyler.

Padma explains that majority rules for all decisions – if two judges think they’re in, they’re in. If two think they should be eliminated, they go home. If they’re undecided, the chefs go “on the bubble” and compete again.

Chris explains his Caramel Apple Stuffed with Braised Pork Belly and Sweet Applesauce and then Sarah presents her Pig Skin Ravioli. Tom thinks Chris has put together a nice dish. Emeril says the combination of flavors is excellent. He gets a jacket, and is in the top 16. They hand him his coat and send him out. Tom says Sarah had one of the more difficult ingredients, and she made it great. Emeril agrees that she pulled it off. Sarah is in too, and gets her coat.

The next group of chefs finishes up their dishes, and after hearing tenderloin girl stress about her mini tenderloins again, we cut to commercial. This is going to take forever.

Back. The second group of chefs serve. We have Molly with her Smoked Sweet Potato Soup with Pork Cheek and Tequila Cilantro Lime Cream and Grayson with her Haricot Vert with Toasted Hazelnuts and Mushroom Stuffed Tenderloin. Tom is on the fence about Molly – he likes the soup, but wants to see more from the cheeks. Emeril agrees. Tom thinks the flavors in Graysons dish are a bit off. Emeril agrees – she’s on the bubble as well.

The third and final group finishes up and then presents their dishes. We have Nyesha’s Tex-Mex Ravioli, Richie’s Onion Soup with Braised and Crispy Pig Ears, Pickled Shallots, and Frozen Parsley Powder, Simon’s Ham Roulade Stuffed with Fig Confit and Goat Cheese, and Heather’s Maple and Citrus Glazed Baby Back Ribs with Bacon, Corn, and Blue Cheese Grits. Damn, this all sounds good. Emeril think’s Nyesha’s dish is spot on, and Padma agrees that it’s beautiful and tasty. She gets a coat. Tom thinks Heather’s grits are great and satisfying. Emeril totally agrees. She gets a coat.

Emeril found Simon’s roulade overcooked, and doesn’t see him in the top 16. Tom agrees, and Padma tells him to pack his knives and go. Tom says that Richie’s dish is on the verge of being salty, but well seasoned and well thought out. Emeril thinks it has tremendous depth and taste. He gets a jacket.

So so far we have five in, and they head to the Top Chef house. And we have three out, and two on the bubble. Sarah feels like it’s a Chicago competition so far.

Group two enters the kitchen and sees Gail, Padma, and Tom. One chick compares it to a wax museum. This batch of chefs also introduce themselves at great length. Padma shows them a table including their favorite ingredients. The chefs have to chose ONE ingredient, and then each make their own take on a dish using that ingredient. They have an hour to choose, prep, and cook.

They decide to work with rabbit. Should we talk about how I don’t eat rabbit? I do not eat rabbit. I have too much of an affinity for rabbits, and cannot eat them. It would be like eating my spirit animal. One of the chefs, Chuy, says his sister used to name the rabbits their mom kept, and once in awhile one of them would disappear and they’d have it for dinner that night and tell her it was chicken. I will survive this challenge by pretending they’re all making chicken.

Tom wanders around talking to the chefs. Tall hair compares himself to Blais and Michael Voltaggio. The large bald dude is named Ty-lör Boring. Now I dislike him. Edward Lee, who has some kind of mouth tic, has a problem with the vacuum machine. Commercial.

Back. Group 2 continues working on their rabbits. Edward abandons the vacuum machine. 20 minutes left. Keith Rhodes tells us about how he got caught selling drugs, went to prison, and began to focus in on cooking when he was there. Time. Nina has left her rabbit off the plate. She’s immediately sent packing. So that’s three out.

We see Whitney’s Rabbit Sugo with Tomatoes, Shallots, Asparagus, and Bacon, Keith’s Seared Tenderloin, Chicken Fried Rabbit, Yukon Potato Hash, Braised Rabbit Confit and Edward’s Butter Poached Rabbit with Butternut Squash Puree. Tom thinks Whitney’s rabbit is nicely cooked, and Gail agrees. She’s in the top 16. Tom praises Keith’s cold rabbit preparation with salsa, as does Gail. He’s in – he pretty much had to be, or they would’ve wasted the money on that XXL chef’s coat. Tom wants to see Edward cook again, and Gail agrees. He’s on the bubble.

The next batch of chefs has five minutes remaining. Ty-lör decides to soak his rabbit in fish sauce. Janine runs out of time to get her sauce.

Janine presents her Rabbit Nugget, Rabbit Rack, and Rabbit Loin Saltimbocca with Mushroom Hash. Chuy has made Rabbit Loin with Cashew Pipian and Grilled Zucchini. Chris Tall Hair has made a Duo of Rabbit: Confit Leg and Butter Seared Tenderloin with Carrot Polenta, and Ty-Lör has made Confit Rabbit Legs with Pickled Cucumber and Tomatoes in Fish Sauce. Dakota finishes with her Roast Rabbit Crepinettes with Bulgar Wheat and Vanilla Jus.

Tom thinks Dakota deserves a jacket, as do the ladies. She’s elated. Tom enjoyed Ty-lör’s dish, as does Gail. He’s in, which means I’ll have the coding for umlauts memorized by the end of this season. Ty-lör puzzles, me, both because he’s a grown man using a ridiculous, juvenile spelling of his name the way we all did in high school (yeah, I spent some time going by Jor-d’n. You wanna make something of it?) and also because he… kind of looks like a former student of mine. Padma thinks Chris showed technique and Gail says his rabbit was the best of the day (it's featured at left for being best of the day). He gets a coat.

Tom would’ve liked to see Janine’s sauce, but Gail thinks she had good flavors. Padma can’t give her a coat. She’s on the bubble. So that’s four on the bubble, ten in, and four out. Commercial. They can’t possibly fit a whole third group and the cook off for the cheftestants on the bubble in in the next 8 minutes, can they? Dear lord.

Back. Fake back. All the on the bubble chefs sit in the stew room and try to figure out why they’re in. Janine says it’s because none of them have visible tattoos. She writes “Dad” on her arm in purple ink.

Back. Chuy stands alone in front of the judges. Tom likes the flavor in his sauce. Padma thinks he’s earned the 11^th spot.

So that leaves only five more spots for the contestants in the third group and the ones on the bubble. Wow. That would seem fairly even – sixteen spots, three groups, hand out the spots at a rate of 5 or 6 per group – if it weren’t for the whole on the bubble situation. They either have to cut way back on the number of slots they hand out during this round, or tell the “on the bubble” chefs “ha-ha, just kidding. No cook off for you.”

The second group of chefs hit the house. Ty-lör used to be Heather’s executive sous chef. Sarah tries to savor the fn moments.

Next time! The third group of cook-ins. Someone’s finger gets cut. I’m going to put you on the bubble. I’m ready to kill the other people to get in that jacket. This is a great dish on its own. You should’ve stopped.