Random Thoughts about Random Things*

1. My opinion of my fellow human beings pretty much hit its nadir on Monday when, on my way back from the Dentist, I overheard a fellow passenger on the metro wishing she'd been on the Red Line train that crashed on the 21st--"been on it, but not been hurt. I'd be gettin' a big ole' payday from my lawsuit."

If I hadn't been completely out of it from novocaine, I would've punched her.

2. On a related note, since the recent changes in the wake of the crash have resulted in greater inefficiency, more overcrowding, and an increase in general dumbassery, I think WMATA will find itself needing to change the overhead voice to some more sternly worded messages. Like instead of "Doors closing" and "Please stand clear of the doors," maybe Metro Lady should start saying "Get out of the goddamn doorway, you dumb whores."

And instead of "Please move to the center of the car," she can say "stop fucking pushing each other--there's no room."

And they can replace the comment about allowing passengers to exit before you try to get on with "you stupid fucking tourists, are you beyond insane bringing six small children into this mess? What inbred backwater are you from that you don't have more sense than this? Stand the fuck clear."

3. If the FDA bans vicodin, does the one I have left from my concussion become a collectible? And what will happen to House?

4. The Lieutenant Governor of South Carolina is vaguely hot (purple robe notwithstanding). Yo, Andre, if you need a beard and/or political wife, I'm willing to relocate. I have excellent manners, hair that can be styled in a Jackie-O-esque way, and I know how to keep my mouth shut.

*Apologies to those of you who have seen/heard some of these elsewhere

We now return you to our bacony scheduled programming

So I was a bit worried about whether I'd have anything to write about this week, what with Top Chef: Masters taking a week off for the July Fourth holiday or something.

I mean, I can't always count on a run in with the Insult Guy (though I did see him talking to the po-po on Wednesday night, and now suspect he might be a narc) . And while I can pretty much always count on seeing poorly dressed people on the Metro, I didn't know if I could count on them being poorly dressed in an amusing enough way to merit an entire post--with or without sneaky phone photographs--about them.

And short of having some sort of one woman tribute party, where I feathered my hair and chanted "Hiiiiii-yoooooooo" while dancing about to Michael Jackson songs and doing multiple loads of laundry with Oxy-Clean, I didn't think I could generate enough current events related excitement on my own to merit comment.

Also, it's tacky to make fun of the recently deceased.

It got to the point where I contemplated doing a post about my biannual trip to the CoinStar to turn 6 months worth of Coins into cash* which would have been amusing only because it would've included this picture of me getting said coins out of my Buddha bank:

which is probably offensive to some religions (though, really, I wouldn't freak out if you posted a picture of yourself fingerbanging a Virgin Mary shaped bank, so. . .I don't know. Grow a sense of humor or something. I had to get the coins out!).

Anyway, then I remembered that I was going to be having some dental work done this afternoon**, and that I should probably have some soft foods on hand for the next couple of days. And so I decided to make some ice cream, and settled on the Chocolate-Peanut Butter recipe from The Perfect Scoop.

And then I thought, "y'know, if I'm going to just be eating ice cream for the next few, perhaps I'd better sneak some protein into it." And so I decided to make. . .

. . . Chocolate. . .

. . . Peanut Butter. . .

. . . and Bacon Ice Cream.

Mise en Place, yo:

As you can see, you'll need bacon, half-and-half, salt, sugar, peanut butter, and cocoa. Tres simple. One of my favorite things about The Perfect Scoop is that the recipes run the gamut from "you'll need six specialty ingredients and 7000 egg yolks" to "meh, just get some half-and-half."

So to start, you're going to whisk the half-and-half, cocoa, sugar, and salt in a saucepan. And you're going to heat it and whisk it until it boils and gets delightfully foamy like so:

Mmmmm. . . foam-licious.

And then you're going to remove the mixture from the heat and plop in a half cup (or so) of peanut butter.

The peanut butter is at the bottom of the frame.

So you whisk that shit together until it's smooth and thoroughly blended. And then you're going to chill it until it's cold throughout, which--in my experience--takes an hour or thereabouts.

(also, if you're in Harris Teeter territory--Simply Lemonade and Simply Limeade are on sale for $1.97 each with your V.I.C. card. I'm pretty much living on Arnold Palmers at the moment).

So the cooling process may have resulted in some separation. If so, you're going to want to whisk the ingredients back together until they're a smooth, chocolatey, peanut buttery, cohesive unite. And then you can pour them into your ice cream maker and let them go for about the first 15 minutes or so of the freezing process.

While the ice cream is freezing, you'll want to prepare some bacon--like 4-5 strips. Get it cooked, and then chop it up finely comme ca:

And after the first 15 minutes of freezing are over, you can slide those right into the ice cream mixture. Let it continue to mix for about ten minutes more (this will vary depending on your ice cream maker), and you get this:

A beautiful chocolatey, peanutbuttery mix, studded throughout with delicious little salty bits of bacon.

This is beautiful and delicious in and of itself, but you want to complete the ice cream making process by transferring it to an air tight container (or two) and freezing it for 4-5 hours, or overnight.

What you'll get then is perhaps the most beautiful thing in the world

Following the idea that the garnish should tell you something about the flavors of the dish, I have garnished the ice cream with bacon, and drizzled a little chocolate sauce on top.

But you really don't need to bother with any of that fancy crap. Because at the end of the day, regardless of plating, what you've got is this delicious peanut butter/chocolate flavor, periodically interrupted by this little savory pop of bacon.

The accoutrements, as they say, are just icing on the cake.

Or, perhaps more aptly, just bacon on the sundae.

* If you're at all interested in how that story ends, I made $66.33.

** My first crown. R.I.P., top rear tooth on the left hand side.

Top Chef Masters: Rick does the trick

This is going to be pretty stripped--I know that yesterday I was all stoked to make a dozen horrible, immature tongue taco jokes, but by the time I sat down to watch the episode in full, I was exhausted and wigged out about Michael Jackson dying, and I was trying to get through four nights worth of DVR so I could watch the second half of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion live.

Anyway, here we go. Los Angeles. Top Chef: Masters kitchen, which this time is just chock full of veg. Wilo Benet enters and introduces himself in a mixture of English and Spanish. Tom says he's Puerto Rico's first celebrity chef, and we hear again about how he was a judge in the Season 4 finale and how it's more pressure to come back as a contestant.

Cindy Pawlcyn is the next to arrive and give her bio. Oseland calls her the "queen of Napa Valley cooking." She's competing for Clinic Ole, and is nervous and hopes she doesn't go brain dead. I think we all kind of hope that, don't we?

And then comes. . .Ludovic Lefebvre with his accent and subtitles. He's been working in kitchens since he was 14, and been a chef since he was 24. Honestly, I don't know why they're subtitling him--his accent is no less comprehensible than Fabio's. Tom reiterates what Ludo just said for those who a) can't understand Frog and b) don't read. Ludo is competing for C.H.A.S.E. For Life.

Rick Bayless finally makes his grand entrance, and tells us about his love affair with Mexico. He's competing for the Frontera Farmer Foundation, and is ready to get started.

K-Choi welcomes them and asks if they're nervous. There's more banter about how Bayless has been a judge, and that's the easier side of the table.

Quickfire! They draw knives Wilo's is orange, Cindy's is yellow, Ludo's is red, and Bayless's is green. Ok, since I know what the challenge is--cooking a dish that's all in that color family, stolen from Season 2--I think this is kind of bullshit. Those are all really, really easy colors to cook. Where's blue? Where's. . .khaki?

K-Choi reminds us that in season 2, Mikey won this challenge with his orange dish. The judges will be food stylist Chris Oliver, Cookbook author Joanne Cianculli, and Christina Peters, a food photographer. Nice. I was worried that they were going to trot out the season 2 kids again. I love Mikey, but I would be so happy if I never saw those other two assholes again.

Food flurry. They have 30 minutes. Ludo says that Red is a very intense color, and he is very intense. He talks about how much tougher training is in France. Cindy does the obligatory women in the kitchen speech for this episode, which means more coming from her than it does from the 24 year old chippies who normally do that routine during Top Chef. We see adorable black and white pictures of her as a young chef, and Bayless's parents owning a BBQ restaurant in Oklahoma City.

Another notable difference from regular Top Chef--they're more willing to help each other. Cindy helps Ludo plate his dish as the clock winds down.

Time! Ludo swears first in English, then in French. They don't bleep the French. I don't understand why--profanity is profanity regardless of the language, and enough people in the U.S. know what merde is that it doesn't require a subtitle. Anyway, the cause of said swearing is that he forgot to put the tomato on the plate.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs settle in to watch the judges . . .judge. Ludo realizes that they forgot to take his beet gazpacho out as well.

His dish is a Steak Tartar with Watermelon and Red Beet Gazpacho. The judges like the tartar, and Ludo freaks out about how the beet juice was missing. They get the beet juice out, eventually, which makes the dish less visually appetizing since now it looks like there's a huge pool of blood on the food. It also looks like it could kill me with anaphylaxis through my TV screen, so I avert my eyes.

The next dish is Cindy's Yellow Vegetable Curry over Sweet Corn Grits and Fried Corn Tortillas. The judges like the different shades of yellow and the textures.

Next is Bayless's Roasted Vegetables, Mole Verde with Tomatillos, Green Chiles and Pumpkin Seeds. The judges find it complex, but tasty.

Finally we have Wilo's Smoked Salmon Tartar with Coconut Milk and Tomato Paste Sauce. Wilo forgot to take the mold off the tartar, but the judges still like it. They get down to the business of rating.

K-Choi returns to the kitchen with scores. Ludo gets 3 stars; Cindy 3.5; Bayless 4; and Wilo 4.5. Wilo wins, which is the second time the orange dish has won the color quickfire.

Wilo is competing for San Jorge Children's Foundation, which is the first time we've heard this, I think.

Elimination Challenge! They'll create a street food dish to serve at Universal Studios. But. . . they'll be making it from a secret protein. They draw knives to see who goes first.

Wilo draws one and gets beef hearts.

Cindy is jazzed about cooking with offal. Rick is more trepidatious. he gets tongue, which he loves. Cindy gets tripe. And Ludo gets pig's ears. He says he uses them in France. He then talks about how he can cook all of these things.

They get $300 for additional ingredients, 3 hours of prep today and an hour tomorrow on location.

Whole Foods! They have 45 minutes to shop. Ludo decides to make a Quesadilla, and asks Rick what a good Mexican cheese is. Bayless thinks this is a bad choice because he doesn't think a French guy will know anything about a quesadilla. Breaking: Rick Bayless is prejudiced against French People.

Wilo is thinking about a modified Tripleta, a Puerto Rican street food sandwich.

Cindy is excited about offal since she started a club called "Girls Who Eat Guts."

Ludo sees that Rick is doing a taco, and claims that Rick is copying him. Yes, because Rick Bayless would never have come up with doing Mexican food if you hadn't suggested it, Frenchie. Jesus. He's Rick effing Bayless. Commercial!

Back! The chefs return to the kitchen for prep. Cindy starts plopping tripe into her stew pots to make menudo. Rick worries about the time constraints with offal. Cindy is doing her tripe in a pressure cooker to speed up the process, but isn't comfortable with the cookers. Rick helps her. See what I mean? They're so nice to each other.

Ludo is cooking his pig ears in a broth to make them less tough. Wilo thin slices his hearts. Rick is more relaxed now than he was with the quickfire. Ludo, though, is freaking out because he's running behind. People try to help him out and he takes offense to that. I really don't like him.

Next day! They have an hour to set up and be ready to serve. Ludo has to rechop his pig ear because it all clumped up into a big block.

More food flurry with a lot of swearing from Ludo. When the customers arrived, he doesn't have any cooked. Ha-ha. Serves you right, stupid Frog.

They start serving. A guy in a pink polo shirt and a Spike hat says "come on Rick, slip me some tongue," and Rick replies "yeah, once Rick Bayless has slipped you some tongue, you never forget it."

It sounds less pervy in his cheerful Rick Bayless voice than it looks written out like that.

The judges come to his stand. His official dish is Chorizo, Bacon & Tongue Tacos with Guacamole. Yeah, I could nom that, as long as I didn't think about the fact that it was tongue. The judges all love the tongue taco, but Rayner says you don't want to have a date after. Gael Greene's hat says she'd definitely have a second, right now. Gael Greene's hat seems a little tipsy if you ask me.

Next we head over to Wilo's cart, where he tries to mimic the rhythm of a street vendor. His dish is Beef, Ham and Chicken Tripleta in Pita Bread. Oseland thinks there's too much topping, but Raymer likes the textures.

Then they head over to Ludo, where everyone is waiting for Ludo to cook. His dish is a Pork Quesadilla with Chorizo, Pinto Bean Puree, Lime Aioli and Smoked Paprika. And it's a good thing there are all those ingredients, because it takes that whole explanation for him to have a single one ready for the judges. Oseland asks skeptically if he's ever made quesadillas before. He talks about how charming he is. Oseland finds the ear itself appealing, but the cheese is runny.

Finally, they head out to Cindy's station, and she talks about how her dish is more intimidating. Her dish is described just as "Hot and Spicy Menudo." Raymere finds it underseasoned, but Gael Greene's hat slurs that the tripe itself is sweet and tender. Commercial!

Back! This is the fakeout scene. Cindy was flattered that someone said her menudo was as good as his mom's, and she considers that a victory. Rick repeats the slipping the tongue joke, which is only improved by the fact that Ludo reacts to it by going "ahahahahaaha, ze tongue." Something about his tone is hysterical.

Commercial!

Back! Critics Table! Ludo explains how he did the Pig's Ear Quesadilla. Gael Greene's hat thought it was a good choice to not scare people. Oseland wishes the flavors from the boullion the ear was cooked in had come through more.

Cindy said she was nervous about getting the tripe cooked, but Oseland says it was very tender. Gael Greene's hat thought hot stew on a cold day was a great idea. Raymer scolds that the broth was underseasoned and she was too conservative.

Rick says he loves tongue and was happy to get it. K-Choi loved the cheese on top. Raymer asks if he felt there should've been more acid. Oseland thought the tongue was cooked brilliantly.

Wilo explains his choice of Tripletas. Oseland would've liked the pita toasted; Gael Greene's hat loved the spicy mayonnaise in the bottom of the pita pocket. The hat over enunciates pita pocket. The hat is clearly drunk.

K-Choi sends the chefs out to drink in the other room. Raymer thought that Cindy made her tripe the most obvious of the offals. Oseland thought it lacked punch.

Raymer thought that Wilo cooked the heart well. Gael Greene's hat liked the choice of pita. Oseland feels that he cut the heart too thin.

Gael Greene's hat thought Rick's dish was perfect. Raymer found it "a big, bright, lovely, flavorful mouthful."

On Ludo's, they thought the pig's ear was well cooked, but the quesadilla itself didn't work. Raymer says that given the challenges of working with pig's ear, he did a pretty good job.

Commercial!

Back! Time for scores. Ludo got 3.5 from the diners; Raymer gave it a 4; Oseland a 3; and Gael Greene's Hat a 3. Total = 16.5.

Cindy got 3.5 from the diners. Oseland gives her a 2.5 (is that the lowest score yet? Ouch); Gael Greene's Hat gives it a 3.5; Raymer a 3. Her total is 15.5. She's out.

Rick got a 4 from the diners. Oseland gives him 5; Gael Greene's Hat serves up a 5; Raymer a 4.5. His total is a 22.5. Ludo is told to "return to the kitchen and pack your knives."

Finally, Wilo got 4 from the diners. Raymer gives him 4; Gael 4; and Oseland 3. His total is 19.5. Rick is the winner, and will move on to the champion's round.

Rick thinks he played to his strengths. Ludo wants to come back if there's a Top Chef: Masters 2. Cindy wants to go home and practice menudo. They pack up and go.

In two weeks: DOOGIE!!!!!!

Patience, Smurflings.

It's been kind of a long 3/5ths of a week so far--not in a bad way, just in a packed way--and I've been getting less sleep and living on more food from the movie theatre/ball park/ margarita food group than I care to discuss.

So last night, when I got in at 10:35 (look, I'm old, I know) after spending some serious time contemplating trying to get a job designing the routes for Washington's Metro Area Transit Authority--because clearly all you have to do is draw a nonsensical, squiggly line on a map and occasionally make it intersect with other nonsensical, squiggly lines on the map in such a way that you a) make every 4 mile trip take at least an hour, and b) keep whitey out of the ghetto--I really wanted to just get into bed and get some solid sleep for the first time this week.

I emphatically did not want to sit down and devote the concentration necessary to taking notes on a reality TV programme while I was fighting sleep.

So while I had Top Chef: Masters on in the background as I puttered about getting ready for bed, I only heard it as background noise, and only the last 20 minutes or so.

And I know that Rick Bayless won, and I know that he did it by making Tongue Tacos. And I have at least eleventy billion completely immature jokes about Tongue Tacos churning around in my brain.

But you're going to have to wait 24 hours for them.

Handi-chef-ing the field: week 3.

I know everyone has a lot on their minds this week, what with Iran and the "shocking announcement" that Jon and Kate are scheduled to make and everything (personally, my greatest fear is that they're announcing not a divorce, but another pregnancy in attempt to save both their marriage and their flagging franchise by having another child or seventy. I hope that hideous brood mare walks off a cliff).

And I personally am a bit preoccupied, because my DVD player seems to have died and trapped the final disc of season 3 of Coupling in its entrails. How am I going to live if I can't see Patrick tell "a clever lie" and Jeff do the Spiderman dance he invented any time I want?

But that said, it is Monday. Time to look at the competition in this week's Top Chef: Masters.

We begin with. . . .Cindy Pawlcyn.

You may know her from: Being a "pioneer" of wine country and farm-to-table cooking; being executive chef/owner of Backstreet Kitchen, Mustard's Grill and Go Fish; writing a boatload of cookbooks.

In her favor: She's a veteran with extensive experience, but at the same time, the philosophies behind her cooking are really back in vogue now.

Against her: There's already one woman in the Champions' round.

Verdict: Unlikely. She looks like a very sweet lady. We don't want to OD on very sweet ladies in the final round. Very sweet ladies make for boring reality TV.

And next we have. . . .Wilo Benet!

You May Know Him from: Being the Tom Colicchio look-alike who helped judge Part One of the Season 4 finale in Puerto Rico; being the chef behind Pikayo, Paya, and Varita restaurants in Puerto Rico.

In His Favor: Knows the Top Chef game from the judges' perspective; his cuisine may translate well to the "street food" challenge that constitutes this week's elimination.

Against Him: If Andy the famewhoring douchewocket Cohen has taught us anything, it's that there can be only one bald god of Top Chef. Also, the "judges' advantage" has not proven to be much of an advantage--only one of the three has been able to profit from it so far. And that one just happened to be Hubert-effing-Keller.

Verdict: Strong Possible. This is a tough week--I don't really have a personal favorite, and that makes it hard for me to rule anyone out.

And then there's. . . Ludovic Lefebvre!

You May Know Him From: Being the swearing Frenchman in last week's preview; his cookbook Crave: The Feast of the Five Senses; creating the menu for Las Vegas's LAVO; the "guerilla restaurant" Ludo Bites (now serving in Los Angeles).

In His Favor: He's a young buck with a "guerilla restaurant" and multiple tattoos. Clearly this is the chance for new style "bistronomy" to overthrow some staid old masters. Also, I'd guess he's meant to be some sort of eye candy, if you like that unwashed, molestery look.

Against Him: The previews show him making quesadillas. You can't win with quesadillas.

Verdict: Probably Not. . .but Maybe? Frankly, I hope he's one-and-done, but I can see how they might want to keep him around, for the young factor and the rebel factor and the accent factor and the people who like the unwashed, molestory look factor.

And then finally there's. . . .Rick Bayless!

You May Know Him From: Judging the insufferable block party episode in Season 4; his PBS cooking show; restaurants Frontera and Topolobampo; a couple of Beard awards; being one of the President's favorite cooks. Oh, and he apparently singlehandedly introduced Mexican food to the US in the '80's, something I thought that actual Mexicans had done a couple hundred years earlier.

In His Favor: He's Rick effing Bayless. And beyond that, he's in the same boat as Benet in terms of the elimination challenge really speaking to the strengths of his cuisine. I mean, the preview videos show him making tacos. Would you really want to compete against Rick Bayless making tacos?

Against Him: He's the obvious favorite, right? Maybe a little too obvious? I think there's a good chance of this being another "upset" week where the best known chef gets taken out. Also, I personally find him creepy.

Verdict: Strong Possible. I'm torn between saying "I see an upset," and thinking they wouldn't schedule upsets two weeks in a row. . . or would they?

Top Chef Masters: Tracht? You're damn right.

Holy crow, my darlings, but we did get blown the fuck out on that one, didn't we? Who's the one chef who didn't get ANY votes in our thoroughly scientific poll? Tracht. And who's the chef who WON the second week? Tracht.

You see that chef Tracht is a bad mother--shut yo' mouth!). But I'm talkin' 'bout Tracht! (Then we can dig it!)

Anyway, lets take a look at how this completely unforseen happening. . .happened.

So it's either sunrise or sunset in Los Angeles. I can't tell. I haven't been to Los Angeles since, like 1994 or something. And I think that was really just Anaheim. Anyway, the speedy cam takes us to the Top Chef: Masters kitchen.

Graham Elliot Bowles enters and tells us about himself. His cooking style is "punk rock." Tom Colicchio says he's the youngest competitor in the Masters competition. Ozeland says he's a "hot shot" and a "great tattooed guy." Graham is competing for the American Heart Association because of a nephew who needs a transplant. I heart him (get it? GET IT????).

Next we have Suzanne Tracht, who speaks in kind of a monotone. Tom Coliccchio says she's known for "simple straightforward unpretentious food" and Rayner says she's a "West Coast Chef." Her charity is the food bank Sova. She mumbles that in the heat of the moment she can "erupt like a little volcano." I'll believe it when I see it--this woman takes "low key" to a new and terrifying plae.

Wylie Dufresne enters and Graham reacts in dismay because he doesn't want to lose to his friend and lose bragging rights. Wylie tells us everything we've known about him since Top Chef Season 2, but says he shies away from the label of molecular gastronomy because it "doesn't sound sexy." This has not, however, caused him to shy away from the lank, chin length hair.

Gael Greene and her hat say that WD-50 is "cutting edge." Wylie is playing for Autism Speaks. Colicchio reminds us that Wylie has appeared many times on Top Chef. Yes, we know that, Tom. We watch the goddamn show.

Elizabeth Falkner enters in her purpley coat. What is it with one chef in each round wearing a non-white coat? Does this signify that they're evil or something? Then she fakes up some sort of samurai move with a stick, and later does some boxing motions at the camera. What is it with the combative lesbians? Gail Simmons tells us Elizabeth is one of the great avante garde pastry chefs, and the lady herself says she doesn't mind being known as a pastry chef, but she does so much more. Her charity is Edible Schoolyard, which is a lot more practical but a lot less Willy-Wonka-ish than it sounds. Tom reminds us that she was a guest judge and it was evident that she wanted to jump into the competition.

Kelly enters and welcomes them, outlining the rules much as she did last week. In fact, she might even be wearing the same top. Either that or her whole wardrobe is purple. Which, you know, is kind of pot-kettle-black coming from me, the woman who could wear something madras every day for a week without repeating.

Kelly tells them that their classic quickfire is the vending machine challenge from season 2--making an amuse bouche from vending machine ingredients. Chee-to dick! Chee-to dick! Their judges will be 3 people with experience in this area--Ilan, Betty, and Mikey (Mikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!), all of whom competed in the original vending machine challenge.

Ilan has more hair than he used to, and looks slightly less douchey. But only slightly. Wylie is a little concerned since he judged the Season 2 chefs. Payback time!

The Masters all choose their ingredients. Graham gets 2 candy bars, a ham and cheese sandwich, and oj. He jokes "and that's just lunch. Now I gotta get something for the contest." HEART. He says he gets shit from people all the time for using these ingredients. I don't understand that--I've been on a cheez-its BINGE since seeing his risotto earlier in the week. Why would anyone mock that?

Food flurry! Graham is excited to be the "underchef." They all kind of preview their dishes. Wylie says if he'd had his "druthers" he would've been a professional athlete, but his lack of. . .talent held him back Suzanne monotones about not being able to find fresh herbs in vending machines. Um, yeah. That's because they're vending machines. Elizabeth talks about being inspired by her father and 2 brothers, who are artists. She uses the liquid nitrogen to make an ice cream, saying ice cream is just "a frozen sauce." Wylie gets VERY frazzled. TIME!

Wylie swears a ton because his dish fell apart in the heat of the moment. Seriously, he seemed so mild mannered every time he judged, but get him on the other side of the event and he's giving the edit-button guy a workout.

Commercial!

Back!

Wylie swears some more. His dish is served first to the group of Top Chef failures*. . .erm, I mean, esteemed judges. He has made a Red Onion and Grilled Cheese Sandwich with Dr. Pepper Reduction. A reduction on a grilled cheese sandwich? I think I'm going to have to go with a Moe-esque "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" as my reaction to that one.

Betty thinks the presentation is great, but her sauce has solidified. Mikey likes it, but Mikey invented the Cheeto Dick, so I think we have to take his taste with a giant grain of salt. A salt rock. A salt mine. Mikey, I love you. And then Ilan and his hair find it too big for an amuse (which, yes, he's right) and difficult to eat.

Dish two is Suzanne's Fried Shallot Rings with Microgreen Salad and Dr. Pepper Aoli. Also not an amuse The Top Chef failures like it. Betty the tacky bitch licks her bowl. While I think that's an absolutely inexcusable way for a grown-ass woman to behave in public, I have to concede that the dish does sound pretty damn nommable.

Third up is Elizabeth's Braised Beef Jerky with Orange Juice, Lemon and Horseradish Ice Cream. Still too much for an amuse. Mikey says "its kinda like my beef jerky fell in my ice cream, and it's like a wonderful thing, ya know?" You are a wonderful thing, Mikey. You are. Betty hates it. Elizabeth threatens to kill Betty. I would like to help Elizabeth Falkner with that. Ilan calls it a journey.

Kelly, henceforth known as K-Choi, reacts to this bit of pretentious doucheassery by making fun of Ilan's penis size**

Finally we have Graham's Tuna Salad with Pickled Shallot, Ginger Orange Bubbles and Beef Jerky Miso Powder. Betty calls it "a tuna salad that came from an ivy league school." Mikey and Ilan also like it.

I would just like to point out that really, none of these dishes are one bite. They've all made appetizers. . .or in some cases, lunch. Not amuse-ing.

K-Choi asks them to rate the dishes, and takes the scores back to the kitchen. Elizabeth has a 3.5; Graham a 4.5; Wylie a 3; and Suzanne leads the field with 5. Suzanne sedately nods her glee as a reaction to getting the highest possible score and mumbles that her kids will be proud.

K-Choi tells them to leave the kitchen while they set up for the elimination challenge. A title card flashes to represent the passing of time.

Elimination Challenge! The chefs return to see a boar's head, chickens, and seafood. Kelly tells them that their elimination challenge is to cook for the creators and writers of LOST. Suzanne mumbles that she's a fan of LOST.

K Choi explains the plot of LOST for anyone who's been living in a cave for the last 5 years, which apparently includes Wylie. They have to make a dish using the ingredients provided and ingredients from a list with the Dharma initiative logo--only canned, Dharma pantry type products. Oh, I hope there's Dharma beer.

The chefs go to Whole Foods to shop for their Dharmagredients with $200 and 45 minutes. I don't remember Rose and Bernard being given $200, or a Lexus sponsored vehicle to roll around in.

Graham tells us about how he was going to drop out of school as soon as he turned 18 and be in a band, but became a chef instead. Siuzanne mumbles more about the lack of fresh herbs and ingredients. Elizabeth thinks strategically about her competitors' palates, and what they bring to the table.

Wylie and Grant interact adorkably. I want to be their chick friend, and hang out with them at Whole Foods discussing ingredients. Or something cooler.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs return to the kitchen with 2.5 hours to cook. Suzanne gives the obligatory speech about how far women have come in the kitchen. Graham talks about how his cuisine is influenced by growing up moving around a lot with a father who was in the navy. We get to see adorbs pictures of him growing up in various exotic places.

And there's a lot of food flurry.

With 20 minutes left, the "critics table" and the creators and producers of LOST file in. They all talk about how much they love Top Chef on the LOST set. I'm amazed ABC allowed this. Usually show crossovers are limited to other programs within the NBC Universal/GE/Scheinhardt Wigs family, like when the Shear Genius folks styled the Real Housewives of Orange County, or Brooke Shields went on Project Runway to promote the sinking ship of Lipstick Jungle.

Two minutes and forty left! Wylie frets that he's not going to fucking make it. Weird Dharma people come out to serve. Ew, theme servers. This is tacky. This is Top Chef: Masters, not Top Casino Restaurant CaterWaiter.

Elizabeth Falkner serves first. She has made a Duo of Boar: Loin with Ancho Garlic Rub; Tenderloin with Coffee Rub; and Papaya and Yam Pudding. The LOSTies mostly like it, though one guy doesn't like the boar, and another doesn't like the pudding. Ozeland compares the pudding to baby food and Rayner says the plate needs saucing.

Graham is next. He has made a Tuna Trio: Maki Roll with Dehydrated Pinapple; Tuna Nicoise with Kalamata Olive Oil; Coffee Crusted Tuna Loin with Yam Risotto and Hearts of Palm. Geez, all the duos and trios--what is this, Season One of Top Chef? Anyway, the LOSTies like it, and Ozeland finds it very well executed.

Wylie is next, and has made Roast Chicken with Poached Egg, Banana Mustard Plantain Puree, and Beets. Oh, vom. Beets, my mortal enemy. My beet noire, as it were. Then there's a kerfluffle over the fact that Rayner has no chicken on his plate. It turns out that his neighbor has it; in the plating flurry, one plate got two chickens and one got none. Wylie handles it very gracefully. Gael Greene and her hat love the slow poached egg. Rayner says it's great that Wylie is still cooking like himself in the face of the constraints of the competition.

Finally, the Dharma waiters bring out Suzanne's Uni Risotto, Mango Salad, Boar Striploin, Oyster Beer Sauce and Baked Yam. The same LOSTie who hated boar before likes it now. In fact, they all love it. Rayner says that even though there was a lot going on, he wanted to stay for the whole show. If you think about it, one could say the same thing of LOST.

Commercial! Oh, look. Tomorrow we get another dreadful episode of "Nasty People Who Hate Each Other and Can't Sew," or as Bravo calls it, The Fashion Show.

Back!

Critics Table. K-Choi thanks them for their stunning meal and asks wylie how he came up with his menu. Rayner follows up with a question about the egg. They all flatter the egg. Gael Greene's hat has a "natural suspicion" of chemical solutions to cooking, but loved the chicken. They all flatter the chicken.

This is perhaps my least favorite thing about Top Chef: Masters. The judges. . .I mean, critics. . .never really lay into anyone. Of course, that could be because (as yet) no one has failed as spectacularly as cheftestants past, and the general calibre of the food is much higher. But still. Man up and be a little mean, people.

Graham talks about his life experience influencing his selections. Rayner asks about the coffee rub. Ozeland loved the green beans in the niccoise. Graham describes how he processed the hell out of salsa to get it down to the ingredients and get garlic. Gael Greene's hat says he really got into the island mode.

K Choi asks Elizabeth how the challenge was. Gael Greene's hat loved the braised boar, but she found the pudding too sweet and too much like baby food. Rayner said the plate was very dry.

Suzanne loved the challenge. They compliment her boar, and Rayner loved the sea urchin as well.

The chefs are sent out and start drinking. Elizabeth says she thinks they were meaner as judges. They were. They really, really were. Especially her. She was kind of a bitch.

Back at the critic's table. Gael Greene and the hat loved Elizabeth's braised boar, but thought the sous vided one was boring. They all hated the pudding. Rayner wasn't crazy about Graham's tuna roll, but thought the rest of the dish was good. Ozeland lisps about how molecular gastronomy was not his thing, but he loved Wylie's dish. Raymer thought Suzanne's dish needed editing at first, but it won him over. Ozeland thought her boar was the best boar. Gael Greene's hat loved her plate. Rayner calls it a "vibrant, fiery plate of food" which "showed a real generosity of spirit."

If you didn't catch on by this point that she was going to win, you're even more clueless than Wylie Dufresne. Never seen LOST. Jesus.

Commercial. I will NOT be watching NYC Prep. Badly behaved adults = schadenfreude. Badly behaved children = despair about the future.

Back! Short scene! They decide to make cookies while the critics are deliberating. Buh. Most boring fake-back ever.

Really back! Kelly reminds them about the rules. Graham gets 4.5 from the diners; 4 from Ozeland; 4 grom Gael Greene and her hat; and 3.5 from Rayner. His total is 20.5.

Wylie gets 3.5 from the diners; a staggering 5 from Ozeland; 4 from Gael Greene and her hat; and 4.5 from Rayner, for a total of 20. He's told that his amazing comeback was not quite enough, and he should "return to the kitchen and pack your knive"

Elizabeth gets 3.5 from the diners; 3 from Rayner; 3 from Ozeland, 3 from Gael Greene and .5 from the hat, for a total of 16.5.

Finally, we have Suzanne. With 4.5 from the diners; 4.5 from the Gael/Hat power corner; 4 from Ozeland; and 4.5 from Rayner, she wins with a total of 22.5.

She is visibly thrilled.

They congratulate her and she mumbles "thank you. Thank you so much." She takes it as "confirmation that she can still cook." I don't know what that means. Have there been allegations that she can't cook? Has she been wracked by self doubt? Has she just been taking care of the business end of business lately, and been out of the kitchen for awhile?

Anyway, whatever she's taking it as a sign of, I take it as a sign that in the future, I shouldn't discount chefs I don't know about just because they haven't judged past Top Chefs.

Next: Bayless! Things that are not edible! A swearing frenchman! Quesadillas!


* And yes, Ilan qualifies. In fact, he's probably the biggest Top Chef failure of all, because he managed to win and crap the bed.
** Not really. She's actually just holding up a roll of quarters for the vending machine challenge, but it looks like a penis insult, doesn't it? Or is that just me?

The worst thing about insomnia is. . .

. . . that sometimes you see it coming, because you start waking up earlier and earlier, every day, and having that wake-up preceded by stranger and stranger dreams. It's 5:45 one morning and 5:21 the next, and as you start to drift off just before eleven for the second night in a row, you think "sometime very soon, I'm not even going to make it to four."

And whether that's a self fulfilling prophecy or just because after all these years, you just know, you jolt awake that very morning from a dream where you led a crowd in stoning the president of a college that you never went to to death with boiled potatoes, to come face to face with an alarm clock that taunts you with the fact that it's 3:49.

And you run straight into the arms of a full fledged panic attack, prompted by the dream but rooted in the series of catastophic mistakes that have comprised the last eight to ten years of your life.

And the worst part is not that at that hour the terror prevents you from thinking about things rationally, but that you've become so skilled at denial that in your regular, waking life, you can keep yourself from thinking about it at all.