It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis

I was walking home yesterday evening, thinking about everything I still have to do before Thanksgiving, and about how gross the weather had been, and about how I feel like I've wrenched something in my shoulder, and about how I still had to bring the trash bins in from the sidwalk. . .

. . .and all of the sudden I saw a familiar figure coming toward me. It was Insult Guy.

Except something was different.

It wasn't just that he wasn't wearing his shades, because it was dark out. And it wasn't because he was wearing a new-ish tan jacket (or at least a tan jacket I've never seen him in before).

As he approached, it got clearer.

He was gliding.

Insult Guy was gliding.

And as he glided past me, he nodded and said "A'ight," because he kind of gave up on insulting me after that one time I told him to have a nice day.

And I looked over my shoulder to figure out the mystery. Why was Insult Guy gliding? Is Insult Guy magic? Is Insult Guy an angel??

The truth, my friends, is so much better.

Insult Guy got hisself a skateboard.

A skateboard. And now he can glide around Columbia Heights insulting the people he still insults, telling them "yo' feets is broke. My wheels is fresh," or whatever he comes up with.

And that, my friends, is what I'm thankful for this year. That and, of course, another Thanksgiving without syphilis.

That's right, children! It's the fifth annual A Very Syphilitic Thanksgiving! Share it with those you love. Or some random midget on a skateboard.

In two days, we celebrate the day when some of my ancestors saved a bunch of damned New England WASPs from starvation, only to be thanked with the tremendous gifts of smallpox and Christianity.

I would like to tell you about the glory days of my people, when apparently they roamed the earth in wagons drawn by impossibly large turkeys. But since I’m only like 1/64th Native American, and hence not really credible when I try to pull off the bitter and disenfranchised routine, I thought I’d tell you a quite different story of Thanksgivings of yore.

On Thursday I'll make my usual Thanksgiving trip down to SoMD to see my redneck relatives. Five years ago, though, I made up a thoroughly implausible story involving a bereaved friend I’d promised to spend Thanksgiving with, and bailed on the whole thing. I made two pies (one pumpkin, one bourbon chocolate pecan), and glutted myself on wine and sausage stuffing at Megarita’s dinner.

The next morning, I woke up with red spots on my hands, feet, knees, and chest.

I’m allergic to very few things in life, but when I have a reaction, it tends to be serious and swift. So I knew from previous experience (with a Sulfa medicine in college) that the spots would soon be followed by nausea, dizziness, difficulty breathing, swelling of the throat, weakening of the joints, blurred vision, and collapsing in a heap in the bathroom. And I knew it was time for a visit to the hospital.

But. . .it was the day after Thanksgiving. Roommate was out of town. Peacock was out of town. Everyone I knew in the city was out of town. I called L and the Fauxiance. Both out of town. So I dressed myself quickly and dragged myself downstairs, planning to head for the train.

Fortunately, the Borg was there. "Yordan," he said, "how was jor Thanksgeeveeng?" Then he did a double take. "Ju have espots on ju."

I asked him to drive me to GW Hospital, and he said “jes.” So he dropped me off at the entrance to the emergency room, where I showed them my "espots." They quickly got me into a little curtained cubby, made me put on a paper gown, and there I sat, waiting.

And waiting.

And. . .waiting.

While I was waiting, I eavesdropped on the woman in the curtain next to me, who apparently had a “tree shaped rash.” “You probably have syphilis,” the doctor told her.

“I don’t have syphilis,” the woman replied.

“Everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis,” the doctor replied, condescendingly.

“No,” the woman said. “I know I don’t have syphilis. I just had a baby; they gave me a syphilis test when I found out I was pregnant. I don’t have syphilis.”

“Oh,” the doctor said, sounding disappointed.

Finally, a med student came in to see me, so in addition to being covered with spots, I now have the indignity of having a doctor younger than me for the first time in my life. His name was Henry, and he had “never seen anything like” my rash before. I tried to explain to him that I, in fact, had—on my own skin, anytime I had an allergic reaction to something.

Henry decided that an MA in English didn’t make me qualified to diagnose my own rash, and went to get his textbook so he could compare my rash to pictures of other rashes.

I waited. It’s probably meningitis, I thought to myself. Every time I’ve been sick in my life, since I was about three years old, people have thought it was meningitis. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the words “It’s either (insert totally benign condition here), or it’s meningitis” (The number of totally benign conditions which are apparently just like the initial stages of meningitis would blow your minds).

It’s never been meningitis yet (touch wood), which means that a) someday, it will be, and b) I now laugh every time a doctor says it might be meningitis—in both a bitter “maybe my number’s up” and a snide “the second time (and all subsequent times since I was three) it’s farce” kind of way.

Henry came back with the Attending, who had been the source of the dire warnings on the other side of the curtain earlier. “What do we have to think when we see a rash on the hands, feet, and knees?” she asked Henry.“Meningitis?” Henry said hopefully. I started laughing--life is so damned predictable sometimes.

The Attending looked at me disapprovingly—galled that anyone could find anything funny about meningitis. “No,” she said. “Syphilis.”

I stopped laughing. “I don’t have syphilis,” I told her.

“Everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis,” she replied condescendingly.

“No,” I told her, “I know everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis. I can’t have syphilis. I’m extremely sexually cautious. I get a full battery of STD tests every September when I go in for my annual, and I’ve only had one sexual partner in the last year. If I have syphilis,” I ended, tears beginning to well up “I am going to need to buy a gun and take the train out to Clarendon post-haste.”

“Test her for syphilis. And meningitis,” the Attending told Henry.

Henry waited until she walked off. “I know I shouldn’t be saying this,” he said, “but you don’t strike me as the sort of person who gets syphilis*.”

I sniffed. “You have good instincts, Henry. You’ll make an excellent doctor someday.”

So I waited some more, until the blood-tech came in to see me. He took my right arm, and found a vein almost right away, which is rare—it’s usually hard for people to find a vein in my right arm. “You’re very good at that,” I told him.

“Thanks,” he said, “it’s my first time.”

I shut my eyes. “You really shouldn’t have told me that,” I replied.

Moments later, he said “oops!” and explained that he’d blown my vein. So he walked off with about a gallon of my blood, and Henry came back and put my feet up, gave me juice, and explained that I had to stay awhile to make sure I wouldn’t pass out on my way home, and that I should call Monday for my blood results.

So I waited.

And waited.

I took Benadryl Friday night, and Saturday morning, the spots were gone. Monday I called the hospital, and they informed me that due to a backlog from the holiday, my bloodwork hadn’t been completed yet and I should call again Tuesday.

Tuesday I called again, and was transferred five or six times before a somewhat sheepish lab administrator explained to me that they’d lost my blood.

I gave him a few choice words about what I thought about a major teaching hospital that could misplace a gallon of blood that some untrained boy candy striper had blown a vein trying to draw.

He waited patiently and told me that I should contact my normal doctor so I could be tested for meningitis and syphilis.

"The rash is gone,” I told him. “It went away the next day. Plus, I looked up syphilis online, and it said that the rash for that would be copper colored. Mine was pink. And I was tested for meningitis when I had a cold earlier in the month. And the spots went away after I took Benadryl, so I think it was just an allergic reaction.”

He then told me in a few choice words what he thought about English teachers who tried to diagnose themselves by using the internets, and reiterated his belief that I should get tested.

So I went into Turtle U’s health center—where they cheerily informed me that they would do the tests for free since as a state employee, I could be a public health risk if I had either of these diseases. Woo-hoo! Talk about your unexpected benefits! My salary bites, but I can get free syph tests whenever I want to! Sign me up, baby! I need to start milking this!

And they drew another gallon of blood, and told me to come back in a week. Long story short (too late!) I didn’t have syphilis or meningitis. The doctors informed me that it had probably been an allergic reaction to something I ate at Thanksgiving.Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh wait. I did. The girl with the pink "espots" and the MA in English figured out what she had days before the staff of George Washington University Hospital or the State of Maryland’s Bureau of Public Health.


Ass bastards.

So Thursday, as you bow your heads and thank whatever higher power you struggle with your tenuous belief in for the bounty s/he has laid before you, take a moment to thank him/her for your health, and to ask him/her not to smite you with spots in the next few days.

Because let me tell you, the day after Thanksgiving, the emergency room staff of most major hospitals are just looking to tell you that you have something more exciting than allergic reaction. Which is exactly what it’ll end up being anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Don’t get syphilis.




*what in hell does this mean, by the way? Does it mean I look like a nice non-skanky girl, or someone who can’t get laid? I guess both have been true at various points. . .

Things I thought about this weekend

* As much as I love YA literature, and vampires, and bad books and movies, I will never see or read Twilight or any of the sequels. This is because most of the women my age who hate them seem a little bit angry while all of the women my age who love them seem a whole lot sad.

* I really wanted to post that as my facebook status for like the last ten days, but I would've been de-friended by all the stay-at-home-mom "Team Edward" Twi-hards I went to high school and college with.

* Dear Douchebag on Metro: oops, sorry -- did I "accidentally" kick you in the shin with my spiky, spiky heel? Well, maybe you'll think about that the next time a lady says "excuse me" five times and you still fail to stop blocking the fucking door.

* My aunt called on Saturday to see if I was coming for Thanksgiving. "Not to complain, but I'm going to complain," she said in her sweet li'l accent, and then launched into a litany of complaints about how my cousin's wife never tells her anything. Ah, the holidays are starting early.

* I really don't understand how some celebrities get their own perfumes or colognes. I've thought about this before -- like when Britney Spears was at the height of her trainwreckiness and I wondered why anyone would want to smell like a combination of Nyquil, Cheetos, and baby vomit -- but it occurred to me again at the gym this weekend when I saw an ad for Derek Jeter's cologne.

I mean, Derek Jeter is an excellent athlete, but realistically? He's an athlete. Most of the time during the season, he probably smells like a combination of leather and cup sweat.

And I know that a lot of people think he's sexy, but honestly, that does not always equate with smelling good. I think Don Draper is sexy, but if you try to sell me Don Draper cologne, I'm immediately expecting it to smell like nicotine, musty tweed, and some whore.

* Note to dudes: if a lady expresses an interest in going to a particular bar/restaurant, and then said place is a wee bit crowded when you get there, you go anyway. You don't make her go on some sort of Bataan Death March up and down 7th street looking for somewhere that's less crowded. Especially if your list of places that might be less crowded is comprised entirely of places that are never not crowded (e.g. Oyamel, Jaleo, Matchbox, Zaytinya. . .). Especially if it's a Friday night. Especially if she's wearing heels. Especially if there's a hockey game.

Unless, that is, you are secretly teaching a seminar in "How Not to Get Laid, Ever," and your actions are being filmed by secret hidden camera and broadcast to your students. Because if that's the case, you're doing a great job, chief. Keep it up. They'll learn everything they ever wanted to know about pissing a woman off and making sure she doesn't return your calls. Which there will be several of over the next two days (that's the next lesson!).

Project Runway: Finale, finally.

Maybe with a win
Irina will be less mean-a
At least it’s over.

So here’s the silver lining to all this: Irina’s model Kaylyn is adorable, and now she’s a winner too! Yay, Kaylyn!!

As for the rest of it. . . .I don’t know. Is it really worth saying anything? Has that ever stopped me in the past?

Irina was the best winner out of an absolutely mediocre bunch. I say this despite – no, actually, I say this because of– the fact that everyone I know was rooting for Carol Hannah, not because she was the best designer but because she was the only one of them any of us could stand in terms of perceived personality.

That's how you know that the show's hit the skids -- when the talent level is so low that the best thing you can do is root for the nicest person.

Irina’s collection had vision and ideas. It wasn’t the most original vision, and they weren’t always her own ideas, but at least they were there. Carol Hannah had a random hodge podge of pretty dresses and adequate dress-influenced separates. And Althea’s looked like she spent her $9000 budget buying stuff out of the sale section at The Limited.

Further, it’s the best outcome for us as voyeurs too. I mean, if Irina had lost, they could’ve swept the whole t-shirt gate scandal under the rug. Is there anyway they can’t address it now? They just awarded the season 6 crown to someone who’s not just the best out of a mediocre bunch, but a cheater? What have you got to say about that, Heidi?

Delicious.

Any way. All we can ask for now is that we get this season behind us as quickly as possible so we can move on to Season 7, which will hopefully correct the show’s tailspin. I don’t know if there’s a Season 8 in this thing if they don’t.

So let’s just get started so we can get our closure and move on. Brace yourself – I actually say some semi-nice things about Althea. Also, we had a huge fucking storm last night, so there are a couple of places where I have no idea what people said because the audio to the TV kept cutting out a couple of times, and people were freaking out because it was pouring like fucking Noah outside.

Morning! Project Runway Product Placement Grand Hyatt Hotel suite. With two days to go before Bryant Park, Carol Hannah swigs some sort of. . . something while Irina and Althea eat breakfast. I’m assuming whatever she’s swigging is medicinal, because the voice overs during this time are about her continuing illness, and she does look like a freaking wreck.

Workroom. Logan gives Carol Hannah a big hug and interviews that he’s proud of her. Gordana interviews that she’s under a lot of stress and isn’t “100% cool like she normally is.” No one interviews about Althea.

We cut to a corner where Carol Hannah is sobbing incoherently because she feels so awful – and, I assume, because she keeps throwing up, because there seem to be some gagging noises mixed in with the sobs. Oh, god, I remember the last time I was that sick – when you’re so miserable and so exhausted that your physical pain just breaks you emotionally. Christopher hugs her and she weeps “this is not how it’s supposed to go.” Christopher interviews that he’s glad he can be there for her. Frankly, at this point I think they should call up two more auffed contestants – let’s say Epperson and Shirin – and make them help her out too because that girl should be lying in bed while Tim Gunn fetches her soup and orange juice.

They go for their makeup consults with Collier Strong and their hair consult with some dude from Garnier. Irina has a bunch of felt military hats and has Collier doing a streaky dark look on their eyes. Althea asks for a smudged look, while Carol Hannah looks for soft and pretty.

The hair consult is just more of the same, except that Althea and the hair guy decide to use a headband on all the models to create a uniform look. Now. . . for the most part, I don’t think Althea is consciously copying Irina. But this is the one case where it looks really shifty – Irina comes in with a bunch of hats to give her models a connected, uniform look; Althea ends up using a bunch of headbands to give her models a connected, uniform look. Irina’s been showing those hats off to anyone who’ll listen since they got to New York. It can’t help but look like a knock off, and a bad one at that.

Back to the workroom where the models show up for their fitting, and nothing important happens except that Althea mumbles through some pins about how important a good fit is for her clothes. This is less important than it is hilarious since almost nothing she made all season fit her models’ bust properly at all.

Tim thru! He starts with Irina, who shows him her 13th look, which is kind of a black hooker dress. Tim thinks it’s beautiful. Whatever, Tim. They talk hair and make up.

He moves on to Althea, who bucktooths at him about her nerves and shows him her 13th look –tan pants with a black jacket. I’ll give her this much – it’s one of the few things in the collection that shows any sort of Sci Fi influence, because it has kind of a Romulan thing going on at the shoulders. Tim thinks the shoulders are a little ‘80’s.

Faltering, she explains her hair and make up concept to him. Tim’s reaction to her explanation is that it “sounds like what Althea said.”

HA. Irina whispers “that’s Althea.”

Ok, brace yourselves: I’m about to stand up for Althea. I don’t think she’s copying Irina consciously. Except for the headband thing, I don’t even think she’s copying Irina unconsciously. And she’s certainly not ripping off Irina the way Irina ripped off New York Magazine, so I don’t know where Irina gets off talking.

I do, however, think that both Irina and Althea are incredibly derivative, and that they are both deriving from the same influences and trends, and that Irina has a) a more distinct way of injecting those influences with her own eye and coloring them with her own touches, and b) such a hugely superior skill set that her stuff can’t help looking like the better/ "real" product.

But it’s not like the difference between an actual Prada and the "Pradda" you buy from the guy on the street, because neither of them is even remotely an original product. It’s more like the difference between Banana Republic and Old Navy – both of them are making done and done again standards, but one of them is doing it in a way that looks expensive while the other. . . .looks like knockoffs.

Anyway, Althea cries. Whatever, Althea.

Tim moves on to Carol Hannah, whose 13th look is a teal Grecian gown. Tim seems to like it. On his way out the door, he reminds him that they have until midnight tonight and 5 p.m. tomorrow.

Sewing flurry!

And suddenly we’ve fast forwarded and there’s only one day to the runway. At the hotel, Irina asks if Carol Hannah is better. Carol Hannah says she is, but interviews that she’s trying to do a mind over matter thing.


Workroom. Irina feels like she has to work fast. Thank you, Comrade Obvious. Carol Hannah wants to finish as much as she can of the last look.

The models enter. Irina talks about the importance of choosing what she puts Kaylyn in, since she’ll be in front of the judges for awhile. She decides to risk it all and put her in the 13th look.

Commercial!

Back! Carol Hannah is feeling better. Althea jokingly forbids Logan from taking lunch and bathroom breaks.

Tim Gunn enters for what seems like no purpose other than telling them to go back to the Grand Hyatt, and thereby working another use of the words “Grand Hyatt” into the show. He also says “can you believe what’s happening? You are going to Bryant Park!” I get the feeling that Tim is saying this mostly because he can’t believe this batch of more or less competent hacks are going to Bryant Park.

Irina makes Gordana start packing stuff up. She interviews that she’s nervous she’s missed or forgotten something. They hit this so hard that it seems like foreshadowing. It’s not.

Hyatt. 3:14 a.m. Althea talks about how early they have to get up. For some ungodly, unknown reason, she and Carol Hannah appear to be wearing prom dresses.

They go to the tents, which Althea calls “a little intimidating” and Carol Hannah calls “surreal.”

Two hours! Fashion! Hair! Make up!

Thirty minutes! Heidi, Nina, and Kors enter.

Tim Gunn is back stage freaking out. “I am about to lose it! We should be lining up by now and we can’t because only 10% of you are dressed!”

Althea interviews that if Tim is losing it, things must be bad. At this point, the other lady in the living room specifically asks me to mention how horrible Althea’s extensions are. The sad part is I don’t think those are extensions – I think her hair has just been so overprocessed and subjected to so many cheap treatments that her actual hair looks like cheap extensions. Anyway. Commercial!

Back! Two minutes! Everyone is sitting in the audience. Tim is unhappy.

Heidi walks down the runway and introduces the judges – Kors, Nina, and Fashion Editor of the International Herald Tribune, Suzy Menkes.

And then it’s time to start the show, and Althea comes out looking kind of high and unshowered to introduce her collection. Interestingly, Tim Gunn revealed that these intros had to be taped beforehand and then edited in later because the actual shows were done blind to protect the identities of the finalists since there was such a long, lawsuit related lag between the taping date and the airing of the series. I assume they had to do something similar for the final walk around where the designers come out with the models.

Anyway, she says that her collection is a piece of her soul, and was inspired by 50’s and 60’s sci fi. Her looks are:





1. Beige sweater with black pleather pants (right) that looks very Irina (or, as one of the gays calls it, “Squidward.”
2. Black dress
3. Beige Pants with an ‘80’s jacket (13th look)
4. A white pantsuit with a stained looking top.
5. A black Capri pantsuit with a loose jacket
6. A black sweater coat with no top under it and grey tights.
7. A hideously ugly green tank top with tragic high waisted pleather pants
8. A Flashdance sweater with a leather mini
9. A green dress with a black jacket (left). This is the best piece in the collection.
10. A grey skirt with another of her gross Saturday Night Fever disco tops, this time in silver and with what one of our party refers to as “sideways boob.”
11. Jaslene in a horrifying draped grey mini dress.
12. A weird asymmetrical dress
13. A very fitted camel dress on Tanisha.

Heidi either has a shocked and horrified look on her face, or got it lifted way to freaking tight. One of the gays says that everything in Althea’s collection looks like stuff you could buy at Marshalls. Althea’s dad is still adorable.

Carol Hannah comes out next, and says it’s been a wild and crazy ride. She thanks her family and friends. Her collection is:
1. A pretty, very structural champagne dress with black trim (left).
2. A black top with a pouf skirt.
3. A matronly purple top with black pants.
4. A ploofy black dress –it’s got the same sort of architectural prettiness that the first dress (and a lot of Leanne’s work) did
5. A purple gown
6. A black cocktail gown with some fleurchons moving across the body.
7. The platinum colored inverted ballerina dress we’ve seen.
8. A huge silver top with black pants.
9. Amanda from every Project Runway since season 3 in the teal dress (13th look)
10. A gold cocktail dress
11. Black shorts with a fun teal Red Riding Hood cape
12. A grey dress with kind of a Tina Turner look to it (right) –it’s my favorite thing in any collection this season.
13. Lisa in a champagne colored gown.


Finally, Irina comes out ans says that her collection is about New York and what it takes to survive here as a woman. Her looks:

1. A black jacket with a kind of armor look and pants
2. A black jacket with a high velvet collar and pants
3. A black top with a deep square neckline and pants
4. A black head-eating sweater coat and pants
5. A beige hooded sweater and black leggings
6. A fur vest and black leggings
7. Kaylyn in the 13th look dress (left), which has kind of a tiered, structural body over an armor-look top. It’s hot, and in a way less whorey way than it looked like on the dummy.
8. A grey wrap coat over one of the notorious t-shirts and black shorts.
9. A luxe looking black coat.
10. A grey sweater with vented sleeves over the most notorious t-shirt and shredded pants (right).
11. A black pouf sleeved sweater and shredded pants
12. My notes here just say “black,” but it’s a black tank top or dress over leggings.
13. A black gown that looks kind of out of place

The guests and aufed designers give their feedback, which is bullshit as usual and only interesting in that some of the guests are trying to talk around not knowing the designers’ names since the collections were shown blind. Also, Shirin is still adorable, but what the hell has happened to Ari Fish? Her make up so bizarre that every time they cut to her in the audience, I thought it must be some famous drag queen I wasn’t hip enough to know about.

Commercial! We take a straw poll in the living room to see what we think will happen.

No one thinks Althea will win, three people think Carol Hannah will win, and 8 think Irina will win. Further, no one wants Althea to win, while 6 people want Carol Hannah to win, and 4.5 people want Irina to win. Finally, no one would wear Althea’s clothes, while 6 people would wear Carol Hannah’s and 4 would wear Irina’s.

Two of us are still voting for Laura to win, and one opts for Daniel V.

Back! Heidi tells the other judges that it was a really great show and she’s really impressed.

Michael and Nina give her incredibly stank faces, like they can’t believe she stuck them with this pack of losers, and they’ll never make the mistake of leaving her alone for most of a season again.

Suzy Menkes says that all three of them had strong ideas. Suzy Menkes is high. Michael says the knitwear was fabulous.

They bring out the designers. Heidi congratulates them for making it this far, and the models enter.

Irina talks about her shielding the woman to go out in the world thing, and how New York takes a tough woman to survive. Michael informs her that “we’ve seen a lot of the warrior woman,” and one can only assume he’s thinking of much stronger warrior woman collections, like Jillian’s and Christian’s.

Suzy says it was a very coherent collection, and Heidi adds that it looked finished. Well, Jesus, Heidi. She’s showing at Bryant fucking Park with months to prepare, not walking down the runway at Parsons with three hours to make a look. If “finished” qualifies as praise, you might as well just shoot all three designers right now and burn the tape from this season so no one ever sees it.

Nina thinks the t-shirts are “refreshing” because it’s like “seeing you.” Actually, it’s like seeing an article from New York magazine, but whatever. Heidi defaults to her “I would wear that” criteria of the whole season by saying she’d like to own a lot of the pieces.

Let's pause for a moment and consider some of the disasters Heidi has worn this season. Again we ask ourselves -- is this really a compliment?

Nina asks about all the black, and Irina says it was “intuitive.”

Moving to Carol Hannah, she explains that she wanted to play with volume and draping. Nina says she loved the first look, and found the collection very spirited. She liked the way Carol Hannah worked with difficult fabrics.

Heidi loved the 13th look, and Suzy asks about the “upturned pyramid dress,” which I’ve been calling the inverted platinum ballerina look.

Heidi says that the collection didn’t really look cohesive. Kors says that the drapery was her strong suit.

Moving to Althea. She babbles something about the political tone and talk of the future. Kors applauds her for doing sportswear, and says the collection works as pieces.

Nina loves the green dress, and says it added a splash of color to the collection. I’m so thrilled that Nina and I have the same test. Conversely, Heidi says she liked the grey skirt with the disco top, which causes me to scream out “are you insane, you tacky bitch?”

Suzy doesn’t think it matched up with the futuristic theme. At this point, the lightening storm really kicks in outside, and we start periodically losing sound. This causes everyone to scream in terror – some from the lightening and some from the idea that we’ll miss something important. I won’t name names. But anyway, the overall effect is that not only do I not hear the part where the sound cuts out, I also don’t hear what immediately follows it because of all the screaming.

Anyway, Nina says that some things felt like parts of another show, but Heidi praises her 13th look. They send the designers away so they can deliberate.

Starting with Carol Hannah, Kors thought the opening dress was exciting and photographic, and that it “has design,” whatever the fuck that means. Suzy says something that’s lost to weather and screaming. Kors follows up with the idea that while Carol Hannah didn’t play with color enough, but she had more color than the others. Heidi compliments her impeccable tailoring.

Moving to Althea, Nina sys there was a sense of coolness, and that Althea translates “what’s going on in the street. “ Kors agrees that she’s “very plugged into the street.” All this talk of “the street” makes me wish Nina and Michael could have seen the whorey shit she made during the season.

Heidi says that the “blue suit” is what Althea is all about. The blue suit is apparently the Capri pantsuit. Kors says that her collection looked like an “assemblage” rather than a coherent story. Suzy says something about the clothes, which she pronounces “clews,” and the rest is lost to screaming and weather.

Note: God must hate this Suzy person to keep sending the lightening during her comments.

Finally, Heidi says that Irina’s collection was well made, and Kors says that she had the best sense of showmanship. God lets Suzy get a word in edgewise for once, because she says she liked the idea of protective clothing.

Heidi says color would be nice, and Kors says that parts of it felt “lost” but she was smart to soften it up with the t-shirts because the rest of the collection had an ominous feel. Nina agrees that they add layers and intimacy. Layers of cheating and copyright violation. Kors didn’t like the fact that she felt obligated to end with a gown.

Heidi says “so we’ve reached a decision?” and Kors almost whispers “I think so,” like he can’t believe he’s been forced to choose out of this parade of mediocrity.

Commercial! Oh, look – the commercial is for the next season of Project Runway, coming in January of 2010 and emphasizing the fact that Nina and Michael will be there, because they want us to forget that this shitfest ever happened.

Back! Heidi tells Irina that she paid attention to details and that they loved her collection, but it lacked color. Althea gets told that she has an amazing ability to translate what’s happening on the street, and that while she aimed for the future she didn’t get there. But she did provide modern staples.

“Which you could buy at Marshalls,” one of the gays reminds us.

Finally, Heidi says Carol Hannah was the best with color, and while they admired her strength and energy, but that her collection lacked cohesiveness. Carol Hannah is out. She gives a tearful exit interview which I, sadly, don’t hear any of because of the sound problems and the yelling, which is this time not because of the lightening but because all the gays are furious that Carol Hannah went out first.

Back on the runway, everyone looks pissed off. Heidi says congratulations to. . . Irina! She cries. Kors tells her her collection was spectacular. Suzy says “great job,” and Nina squeezes out a tight “congratulations.”

Althea leaves, interviewing that she feels good because she made friends and got some great advice. Lame.

Tim hugs Irina gingerly. She interviews that she’s proud of herself, and then there are awkward moments where she talks about how maybe her father will take her seriously now. Oh, Jesus.

Anyway, it’s finally over, and now we can try to forget it. On to Season 7.

Top Chef: J' Bocuse!*

Eli’s fatty lamb
Keeps him out of final four
Goodbye, snarky pup.

I went back and forth on Eli. I started out liking him a lot, and thinking that in real life, we’d probably be friends. But then the whole “Robin sucks and is awful” thing went on so long, and he was at the center of so much of it, and it just made him come across as really, ridiculously immature, and possessed of toxic amounts of that sort of casual ageism and sexism that so many guys in their twenties seem to have.

With Robin gone this week, my personal pendulum swung back in Eli’s favor, which I think indicates how high a percentage of his air time the editors were dedicating to anti-Robin screeds. We’ve seen a lot of negativity from him in the last few weeks, and all specifically directed towards one person. With her gone, we got to seem more generalized, harmless snarkiness.

Oh, and more of his food, which is pretty damn important since this is a cooking competition and all.

Anyway, we’ve now arrived at a Final Four that most people predicted six weeks ago, and then spent the last five weeks slowly backing off their predictions of as Jen went into a tail spin (I would like to point out that I was NOT one of these people. Jen made me plenty nervous at times, but I never stopped believing in her).

And I’m glad. I like the Voltaggio brothers, both in a “they’re talented chefs” way and an “I want to lick them “ way. I heart Kevin because he lives in a tree trunk and makes awesome food which frequently involves bacon. And I adore Jen, because she’s ballsy and talented and she works for my secret baby daddy Eric Ripert. And also, she’s very attractive, and I want her and Michael to have genetically perfect chef babies together.

So I started wondering: is this the first time I’ve liked EVERYONE going into the finale? And the truth is. . . pretty much. I was ok-ish with everyone in Project Runway Season 4 – Rami’s draping had driven me ‘round the bend by that point, and Christian’s fame whoring personality shredded my nerves raw, but they also both had their endearing moments. And the other close call is Top Chef Season 3. While I wasn’t rooting for Hung, I never had the issues with him that the rest of the world seemed to. Actually, my bigger problem with that final four was Brian Malarkey, who always seemed seriously unbalanced in a potentially dangerous way. He wasn't awful -- he just wasn't a dude I'd want to hang out with in a setting where there were so many knives around.

But every other season of both shows, there’s been a Wendy, or a Jeffery, or a Tiffani, or a Lisa, or an Althea, or a bloody goddamn Kenley, or a fucking Hosea, or an everyone in the finales for both Project Runway Season 2 and Top Chef Season 2. (Hm . .. what is it about Season 2. . .?)

What do you do when you like everyone? What do you do when there’s no one to root against? If four chefs cook in Napa and there’s no one I despise, does it make a sound?

We’ll find out soon enough, pets.

Morning! Top Chef Vegas luxury cheftestant compound! Bryan reflects that this is the last challenge in Vegas, and talks about concerns about money and the fact that his restaurant is slower since he's been away. Kevin puts a rosary around his neck -- which kind of bugs me. It’s not jewelry, folks. But at least he keeps it tucked inside his shirt, so it's not technically sacrelige – and talks about his wife Eli talks about how Richard Blais is his mentor (aw) and how he was best man at his wedding (awwwwwww) and how he wants to win it for both of them. “It’s sort of a ‘my name is Indigo Montoya, you killed my father prepare to die’ situation,” he says.

Minus ten points for saying Indigo. It’s Inigo, folks. He's a Spanish swordsman, not one of Rainbow Brite's Color Kids.

Jen reflects on how she’s become unfocused in the recent challenges, and hasn’t performed to her own expectations.

At the M, Padma is waiting with a really short guy. Ok, maybe it’s not so much that he’s a really short guy as that he’s standing next to Padma, who’s a model and therefore a towering. . .5’9”. Um, ok, he’s a really short guy. Anyway, it’s Gavin Kaysen. Padma counts to five and tells them that out of all the chefs we started with, they’re the only ones left, and only four will go on to the finale in Napa.

Padma tells them that Gavin is there because he represented America in the Bocuse d’Or, which is kind of like the Olympics of cooking.

Quickfire! Gavin tells them that for the Bocuse, he did a Chicken Ballotine with crayfish in the middle. He makes a point of telling them that it took him four months to figure out how to make this dish. This is relevant because the top chefs get to make their version of it in 90 minutes.

AWESOME.

Jen jokes that since a ballotine is a protein inside a protein inside a protein, she’s going to make a turducken. I think it’s a joke. I hope it’s a joke. It’s a joke, right Jen? RIGHT???

Padma says the winner will have a significant advantage in the elimination.

Food flurry! Kevin thinks that the Voltaggios are taking unwise risks. Eli is making some sort of Scotch Egg thing. Kevin says he and Eli are the ballsiest people left because they’re making home style cooking for Top Chef.

Jen is making seafood because that’s her strength. Michael talks about how Jen has fallen off as the competition went along, and says “at this point in the competition, I don’t think there’s a whole lot left for her to do.”

Oh, crafty Bravo editors. I smell a Jen comeback! Time!

They begin with Eli’s Bacon-Crusted Breakfast Sausafe with a Six-Minute Egg Center. I don’t know what a “Sausafe” is, Bravo. Is that like a sausage that won’t give you a heart attack or something? Augh. Next is Michael’s “Poultry Terrine" Chicken with Turkey & Bacon Mousseline. Then we have Jen’s Calamari Steak, Scallops, Salmon, Shiitake, Shiso with Rice Noodle Salad. Gavin asks “why did you choose seafood?” and Jen says it’s because seafood is her stronger point. “Welcome back,” Padma says slyly. Jen says she feels relieved to hear that.

Bryan has made a Rack of Lamb & Merguez Sausage Wrapped in Caul Fat. Kevin’s dish is a Cormeal-Fried Fillet of Catfish with Scallop & Shrimp. "Cormeal" is like cornmeal, but. . .with less n's in it. Dammit, Bravo. Why do you do this to me? Bryan interviews that Kevin has less finesse, but “simplicity’s ok if it’s done correct.” Grammar is also ok, Bryan, if it’s done correctly.

Gavin gives his reactions. He felt like Kevin’s catfish was a little overcooked, and the breading dried it out. He liked Bryan’s lamb tenderloin. Eli’s concept was great for a brunch menu. He expected Jennifer’s to be tough, but it was very successful. Michael’s was a little more of a terrine rather than a Ballotine.

Michael doesn’t understand where the criticism is coming from, because “he didn’t say make a ballotine.” Erm. . . . he kind of did, Michael. Didn’t he? Did I hallucinate that part, or weren’t those the rules? Michael assures us that if he had made a ballotine, it would’ve been at least as good as the one Gavin made for the Bocuse d’Or. Michael is being edited to look like a bigger ass than usual this week. They must want him to be the villain of the finale.


Gavin says that the chef who reminded him of something that could’ve been in the Bocuse d’Or is. . .Jennifer!!! Yaay!!! She interviews that being back on top has given her a boost.

For their Elimination Challenge, they’ll participate in a Top Chef version of the Bocuse d’Or. They’ll each prepare a presentation platter with one protein and two garnishes. The garnishes should show technique – the example that Gavin gives is that if they’re making zucchini, they should weave the zucchini into a basket and put something inside it.

They have a choice of lamb or salmon for their protein, and must use a traditional Bocuse d’Or mirrored platter to present to the judges.

Tomorrow, they’ll have 4 hours to cook at the Alex restaurant at the Wynn. As the quickfire winner, Jennifer gets an extra 30 minutes. She laughs that she needs it because she’s slower than the guys.

They’ll be cooking for 12 judges, including representatives of the American Advisory board of the Bocuse d’Or. . . and Thomas Keller.

SQUEEEEEE!!!!!! Kevin interviews that the French Laundry book changed his life.

The criteria for the challenge is taste, creativity, and execution. Their dish should be perfect on all these counts.

Bryan says that they’re cooking for some incredible palates, and it’s going to be hard to present something they can’t find flaw in. Commercial!

Back! Whole Foods! They have . . . .I don’t know how much money, because for the second week in a row, Bravo’s not showing us. Way to go, Bravo. Kevin has no plan at this point, except that he’s cooking lamb. Eli asks “what are you going to do tomorrow chef?” and Kevin replies “I don’t know—pack a fucking suitcase?”

Jen is shown checking out. She’s apparently spent around $225, and she seems shocked by this. . .but we’re not told whether she’s shocked because she’s over or under or what. Again –kudos on that one, Bravo.

Back at the compound. Bryan interviews that they need to start planning their dishes, but Michael goes directly to bed. The others gather in the living room and watch a Bocuse d’Or DVD. Um. . . NERDS.

Kevin asks Bryan for some sous vide-ing advice so that his lamb comes out consistently. Bryan tells him because he feels like shutting Kevin down when Bryan clearly knows the answer would make him “more of a prick.” He speculates Michael might not feel the same way about giving advice to a competitor. They are really working this battling brothers shit for all it’s worth.

Next day! Alex! 4 hours to cook! Eli interviews that the atmosphere in the kitchen is intense.

Tom thru! Ok, not so much a Tom thru as a Tom appearance. I miss the Tom thru so much. We’ve been seriously Tom thru deprived this season.

Anyway, Tom enters with Thomas Keller, who is like three feet taller than Tom. What is it with the disparate heights this episode? Keller gives them a reassuring pep talk, and Tom says they wouldn’t have sprung this on them if they didn’t think they could handle it.

Food flurry! Michael interviews that he’s confident because he’s done some culinary competitions in the past, and adds that he chose salmon because it requires more finesse. Jen interviews that cooking for Thomas Keller is nerve wracking. Bryan says that his biggest concern is the braise. Kevin hopes he’s picked the appropriate technique . Michael interviews that Kevin’s food is consistently good but “nothing too elaborate. The food that Kevin cooks is the food that I cook on my day off.”

So to review, the three themes of this episode are: Kevin makes simple food. The brothers are rivals. Michael is kind of a dick.

REAL Tom thru. Yay! He visits Bryan who’s braising a shank and laughing nervously. He then moves on to Kevin, who explains his sous vide approach as an attempt to do something different and achieve a “subtle and clean kind of flavor” and Tom says “that’s kind of a very different approach than you usually take.”

Damn, Tom. That feels like a bit of a dig there.

He moves over to Michael, who is prepping a salmon with Mediterranean flavors. Jen is cooking some salmon and caviar, and seems to have a lot of her confidence back. She’s not beet red for once, that’s for sure. Eli is making lamb sausage, and is trying to “do things that I normally do, and make ‘em small and sexy and tight.”

Tom interviews that he’s not sure why Kevin is doing something so off his game. He also says that Jen seems nervous. Tom and I may not have watched the same footage just then. Eli needs to pay attention to the details, because those are what separate a good dish from a great dish.

Tom tells them that there’s another surprise with this challenge--the winner will receive $30K.

Bryan laughs nervously. We hear a lot of Bryan’s nervous laugh this episode. It’s not attractive. Jen interviews that “I think all of us are having small heart attacks right now.”

Commercial!

Back! The judges and guests enter a gorgeous dining room. We cut back to the kitchen, where Michael asks Bryan to pull his fish out of the water. Bryan does. Jen interviews that Michael is the only one who’s done any competition of this sort before.

Six minutes left! Kevin interviews that he’s not going to do elaborate presentation, he’s going to go for complex flavor in a simple package.

He enters the dining room and presents his dish to a room full of rapidly named famous faces, including Jerome Bocuse, son of Paul Bocuse who started the Bocuse d’Or, and Daniel Boulud.

At this point I scream “BOOOOOOOOOOH – LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!” and thrust my fists into the air.

The gatekeeper to the Emerald City is back, baby!

Kevin presents his Poached Lamb Loin, Sherry-Glazed Beet & Asparagus in Sunchoke Cream, and tops the dish with peppered lamb jus. He says he chose lamb over salmon for sustainability reasons. The judges raise some eyebrows, and Tom asks if it came from a sustainable farm. Kevin says it did.

He leaves and they eat. Tom says he can really taste the chard. Boulud likes the lightness of the garnish with the asparagus and sun choke, but Keller thinks it’s a little elementary given the amount of time he had.

Michael is in the kitchen prepping and sweating. I’m serious—it’s like Howie from season 3 level sweating going on. Somehow, he carries it off a little better than Howie did. He carries out his giant mirrored tray and presents his Salmon with Cauliflower Chickpea Tart & Zucchini Tzatziki. Traci des Jardins thought it was a pretty, but disparate and the Mediterranean theme was a bust. Alex Stratta finds a bone in his fish. Boulud says he had a total lack of harmony in his composition. Ooooh. . . Michael is totally exiled from the Emerald City.

Back in the kitchen, Bryan is freaking. Jen offers to help, because she has the extra half hour. She says she’s worried for Bryan. I heart Jen. Actually, I heart all of these guys, despite Michael and Eli’s occasional dickishness, and Bryan’s android-like qualities, and Jen’s nosedive, and Kevin’s wearing of a rosary around his neck. Anyway, Bryan walks his dish out to the dining room and says that he can see his mistakes as he looks at the platter.

He presents his Crusted Lamb Loin, Lamb Shank Crepinette & Orzo Au Gratin. Oh, yum—I want the orzo. Bocuse liked the plating. Keller was impressed with the platter, but the lamb was undercooked. des Jardins thinks he ran out of time. Timothy Hollingsworth thinks his demeanor shows that he’s knowledgeable about food, even if this dish is a bit off.

Eli says his food doesn’t have the precision he’d wanted, but he plans on carving tableside. He presents his Sausage Wrapped Lamb Loin, Carrot Puree & Tomato-Piquillo Canape. Eli wraps a lot of things in sausage. This is one of his best qualities.

Everyone giggles about the cut on the lamb, and Bocuse says it’s so undercooked that “you can clearly feel the raw fat of the lamb.” Oh, BURF. Padma thought his foam was more flavorful than Michael’s tztatziki. Boulud thinks he had good ideas, but failed on presentation.

Jen thinks her salmon is 98% there rather than being 100%, and knows that with these judges, that difference is critical. Her dish is a Salmon & Caviar, Shrimp Flan & Truffle, Celery Root & Shiitake. Traci des Jardins says it tastes good, but it’s not well thought out. Her portion of salmon is undercooked, but everyone else likes it. Keller likes the custard with the shrimp, but Boulud’s is undercooked. Gavin feels like “the vision of this dish is at a dead end,” and that the other chefs could’ve done more with the extra time. Padma says Jen’s plate was the most visually intriguing.

Boulud invites them to raise their glasses to Bocuse’s dad. Aw, it’s like the knights of the Mushroom Kingdom’s round table. Let’s pause for a minute and reflect one last time on how freaking cute Daniel Boulud is:
Squee! He’s got a cuteness factor of like 6 puppies to begin with, and the glasses double that.

Gail says that she’s impressed with what the chefs have accomplished in such a limited time. I get the feeling that if you read the judges’ blogs, this is going to be one of those late in the game episodes where they were actually fairly happy with a lot of the plates, but the show has been edited to make them look like disasters just to up the tension.

The chefs come out and everyone claps. Padma thanks them, and tells them there’s one more surprise. Keller announces that one of them will be awarded a spot to compete for the 2011 Bocuse d’Or at Lyons. Ho-leeeeeeeeeeee shit. Ok, it's not clear from the way they phrase it, but I get the impression that they're competing for the USA's spot, not that they're just handing them the USA's spot? Because that would be terrifically unfair.

Kevin interviews that it would be an “honor to represent my country, but it would scare the ever living shit out of me too.”

The chefs go back and clean the kitchen, and Bryan reflects that it could be the last time they cook together. Michael says he hasn’t spent this much time with his brother in years, and he’s proud of everything they’ve done together. Kevin interviews that whatever happens, none of them should walk away from this challenge ashamed. Commercial!

Back! Oh, fake back. Stew room. They all sit around and Bryan says they should all be proud because they’ve cooked for the best chefs in the world. Kevin says it sounds stupid, but he’d be proud to lose to any of them. Jen reflects on how close the five of them have gotten, and Eli says “I love you guys” in a Cartman voice.

Presh. I really do like all of them.

Guys, what are we going to do with a finale where I don’t hate someone? How does this even work? If I try to recap this show without a target for my uncontrolled vitriol, will it even make sense, or will it just come out like a huge puddle of rainbow scented love vomit with bunnies in it?

Back! Padma enters the stew room and invites them all back to judges’ table.

Padma points out that this is the final judges’ table in Vegas, and it will determine who’s moving forward and who’s going home.

Tom calls Michael out on the un-Mediterranean-ness of his plate, and Gail tells him about the bone in Strata’s portion (my initial write-thru reads “Gail tells him about Strata’s bone,” but when I read back through it that made me laugh like a twelve year old boy). Tom tells him that that said, there were parts of the dish that were great.

Moving to Bryan, Bocuse says that the lamb was a bit underdone, and Bryan says he didn’t want to take it past rare/medium rare. Bocuse says the judges felt like Bryan could’ve done more with more time.

Bocuse asks Kevin why he didn’t do something more technical. Kevin says he couldn’t have achieved the balance of the “componentry” with something more complex. Sometimes I think Kevin misunderestimates himself. Tom tells him that some thought his dish was too simple for this sort of challenge.

Tom asks Jen to review the cooking process for the salmon, and tells her that the fish cooked a bit too fast. Bocuse says it was the way the salmon was cut that made some undercooked and some fine.

Gail tells Eli there were big pieces of fat in his sausage, and Tom says it was really undercooked. Bocuse says that the fat made the undercooking hard to swallow. Again, this just sounds awful. I watched the entire thing prepared for a SHOCKING TWIST where Kevin or one of the Voltaggios went home, but every time someone talked about the undercooked fat, I gagged a little and hoped there was enough justice in the world to send Eli home.

Spoiler alert! There is.

Tom says that tonight’s challenge has left him with incredible respect for each of them. As they leave, Kevin says it means a lot to hear that from Tom.

In the stew room, Kevin says he knew he didn’t use enough technique.

Gail said the idea behind Eli’s dish made her want to taste it as it would have been were it cooked properly. Padma laconically calls it ‘the worst piece of lamb we had today” and Bocuse agrees that it’s hard to see what’s right about a dish when that huge a component is so wrong.

Moving on to Jennifer, Gail liked her garnishes but was bothered by the inconsistent cooking on the salmon. Tom takes a note from Bocuse and blames the cutting.

Tom thought Kevin’s was well executed, but simple. Bocuse says the fact that it was cooked well gave him an advantage over the others, who all had flaws.

Tom says Michael’s showed an elaborate technique, but Padma thinks that this time he lost on flavor. Gail says that the protein was perfect, but the garnish was weak. Padma brings up the bone issue again.

Tom says that Bryan used a lot of technique, but the execution was off and the dish was in the bottom. Tom says that had it been cooked properly, they’d be having a very different conversation. In the stew room, Bryan reflects on how he knows what he did wrong and Kevin adds that you can tell from Bryan’s dish that he knew what the perfect dish would’ve been if it had been executed properly.

Commercial! Is anyone else as freaked out by Latisse as I am? I mean, honestly, does anyone have skimpy enough eyelashes that you’d be willing to risk “increased brown iris pigmentation” to get them longer? Couldn’t you just buy a pair of false ones? You don’t even have to shell out for the good ones—they sell the damn things at Target. Just don’t use shit that’s going to discolor your eyes. It is not worth it.

Back! Tom reminds them that the winner gets $30K and the chance to compete in the Bocuse d’Or USA. And Jerome announces that the winner is. . . Kevin. Ferreals? O. . . . kay. I mean, I’m fine with it. I like Kevin. It’s just not what I would’ve predicted.

What would I have predicted? Jesus, I don’t know. I spent the entire episode waiting for a huge twist that never came.

Anyway, yay Kevin! Yay, my little tree-dwelling, rosary wearing, red haired culinary wood elf! Jerome Bocuse gives him an official Bocuse d’Or jacket to wear while he’s training, and “some reading material.” We don’t get to see the reading material.

Again, well done Bravo. You’d think they’d be better at product placement by now.

Padma reminds him that he gets $30K from the M resort, and Kevin replies “the M resort—my favorite place in the world.” He interviews that Top Chef has taught him to trust his instincts and his gut.

Back to the other four. Tom says that it’s going to be hard to see one of them go, but there were issues with each dish. Eli’s was conceptually solid, but had problems with execution. Jen’s had great flavor, though the cooking was uneven. Bryan reached high but the lamb was undercooked. Michael’s cucumber was unimpressive.

Heh heh heh. . . his cucumber is unimpressive. Ok, look. I’m twelve. What can I say?

So Padma tells. . . .Eli to pack his knives and go. Ferreals? This is one of those things that’s so predictable that you kind of assume there’s no way it could possible happen, because there’s no way something could be that predictable, right?

Anyway, he thanks the judges for the opportunity. He’s proud that he didn’t “pooch it” and go out early, and he doesn’t harbor negative feelings to the other chefs. He goes to the stew room and hugs Kevin and cries a little.

Tom reminds the other three not to be too sad about Eli, because they’re all going to the finals. They all go back to the stew room and hug Eli, who tells them “don’t feel sad—be happy for that guy” and gestures to Kevin.

Oh my god, I really do love all of these people. I’m losing it. Be prepared for a two part finale recap where all the i’s are dotted with fucking hearts and smiley faces and shit.

Eli says he’s ok about going home because of who’s moving on instead of him. There are a lot of tears. Some of them might be mine, a little.

Next! Napa! Jen has curls! Padma has bangs! So does Kevin! There’s a train! The brothers are going to bring it! Sibling rivalry! Bloodbath! Salt! Gail is not looking forward to judges’ table!

*This would’ve been a much better title if someone had accused someone of something.

Project Runway: Where Tim Visits and Carol Hannah Vomits

Yay, it’s Tim visit time!

The Tim visit episode is always one of my favorite episodes, every season. Not just because I’m a voyeur and love seeing other people’s houses, or because it’s always awesome to watch Tim Gunn interact gracefully in every conceivable social situation.

No, it’s because the Tim visit episode reminds us that the designers have families, and backgrounds, and are human beings, and not just characters on our TVs. And I like being reminded of that. . . especially moments before they return to the workroom to finish their collections, and I resume tearing at them savagely with my teeth like an angry baby ferret.

And this episode was particularly interesting in that it served as a nice little microcosm for all of season 6: the most interesting thing that happened. . . was the part where nothing happened. Just like the most interesting things about this season -- the lawsuits, the challenges that apparently had to be scrapped at the last minute because the product tie-ins were tied to Bravo, and so on -- never happened on screen. The most fascinating part of this episode was where Althea and Irina sat around a hotel suite, waiting for Carol Hannah to arrive, making extremely awkward small talk and occasionally being poked with a cattle prod by producers to remind them to ask bleakly where Carol Hannah could be.

It was very Beckett. And I never said that about the show while it was on Bravo, so . . . kudos to you, Lifetime. You got a Beckett reference out of me.

Well played. You’ve managed to produce an episode so “modern and so brilliant, it make absolutely no sense to anybody” as Alistair Cookie would say.

But we’ll get to all of that in a moment.

Back in Los Angeles, sometime in the fall of 2008. George W. Bush is still President and I'm still watching Season 5 of Project Runway on Bravo and hating Kenley with the hatred of a thousand suns.

Heidi greets the final three designers and congratulates them on having made it through a season of lackluster challenges, inconsistent judging, blatant producer manipulation and Heidi’s irrational hatred and bullying of Gordana. Now they’re going to Fashion Week! Althea makes a really gross face that might be called a “smile” on a person with anything resembling a normal occlusion.

They’ll each have $9000 to produce a 13 piece collection to show at Bryant Park. Hm, last season, Bravo gave the final four designers $8000 each. It’s nice to see that Heidi managed to save Lifetime $5000 by hating Gordana so much that there was no way she’d get to produce a collection, despite having the best dress by a wide margin in the final challenge.

Tim comes out and says he’s proud of them and he’ll be checking in on them later. Then Tim and Heidi pretend that they’re going to go out and have fun, and do a fake dance behind the scrim as they walk off stage.

At the Project Runway Apartments, the designers pack up their stuff. I have a thought – next season, they should have the designers living in the ghetto, and then I can call their apartments the Project Runway Projects. Anyway, Althea says that there’s been tension between her and Irina since the cheating accusation, and says that she’s not going to forgive and forget. Irina says that the other designers are intimidated by her. And they all leave, and barely manage not to scream “good riddance, bitches” at the others as they’re shuttled back to their home towns.

Ten weeks later! Tim is off to see Carol Hannah, who has moved from Charleston, SC to Huntington, NY. She’s staying with her friend Ellen, which is only significant in that we’ll see Ellen later at the friends and family meal. Anyway, Ellen has a lovely house and a very cute black and white cat who looks suspiciously at Tim Gunn.

She tells Tim that she stopped and visit a friend at Duke when she was moving up to New York, and was inspired by the architecture there. We see a lot of pictures of Duke’s cathedral-esque architecture. Like Gordana’s cathedral inspired dress last week, there’s something rather vaginal about it.

Tim examines her collection. There’s a lavender ballet type dress where Tim speaks out against a sparkly belt, and a purple dress where he tells her that the cape looks matronly. There’s an interesting purple tank with some cords and things, and Carol Hannah interviews that while her emphasis during the competition was on dresses and evening, her collection is more diverse, and features “pants and shorts and jackets with a little bit of evening flair.”

Carol Hannah tells Tim that her family has flown in to make him a Southern meal. Carol Hannah’s sister straps Tim into an apron and puts him to work cutting out biscuit dough with a wine glass, and the sisters Whitfield talk about what a great seamstress their mother was, and how Carol Hannah learned to sew by watching her and then copying her on a smaller scale to make doll clothes. Tim eats dinner with Carol Hannah’s two sisters, Ellen the housemate, and her father Brett. Her dad seems really awesome. Then Carol Hannah walks Tim out into the middle of what looks like a freaking arctic wasteland. Holy cow. So ten weeks before Fashion Week. . .yikes, it’s hard to believe that a place Tim told us was 20 minutes outside New York had that much snow at what was pretty much this time last year.

Anyway, Tim and Carol Hannah have a lovely goodbye in the snow. He really seems to like her – it’s so nice when you can tell Tim has genuine affection for the designers rather than guarded respect, or outright exasperation. I'm looking at you, Kenley.

Back in Manhattan! Tim goes to visit Irina on the Upper East side. We meet her yappy dog, Princess, who we were shown inspiring Irina’s handbag range way back in the season premiere.

Irina tells Tim that she wanted her collection to be more personal, and thought of Coney Island because it’s near where she grew up. We see a picture of baby Irina with a mom who looks so much like her that it could easily have BEEN a picture of Irina, were it not for the age of the photo.

Tim looks at her “boyfriend t-shirts” which feature images of Coney Island, and says they could go either way. Then he examines a fur piece and tells her it reminds him of a Sisal rug. He reminds her to be “easy,” and he leaves. For a minute, it seems like she’s getting the Kenley/Christian edit where she has no friends and family to meet, but then Tim meets up with them at a restaurant (one of the gays says it’s 21?) Irina’s sister ALSO looks amazingly like her – it’s one of those families (much like my own) where everyone is very clearly related. There are no photographs of her family on Lifetime, and there are also enough people there that I don’t catch who everyone is, so apologies for all of that.

Anyway, they seem to have a nice time eating and chatting about what Irina was like growing up. At the end of the evening, Tim tells Irina’s mother that Irina is already a winner. Oh my god, how awesome would it be to have Tim Gunn saying nice things about you to your mom? And just when you think the moment can’t get any nicer, her mom replies “I am winner too, to have daughter like her.”

SNIFF. Commercial.

Back! With four weeks until Fashion Week, Tim visits Althea in Dayton, OH. The producers select some really menacing music to underscore Tim’s arrival in the dangerous state of Ohio – you never know what can happen to you when you leave the safe confines of Manhattan and venture into the hinterlands. You might fall into a combine or something without any warning at all.
To see Althea’s collection, Tim has to ride in an elevator that the editing and his reactions would lead us to believe is very scary. Althea tells Tim that her collection has been inspired by the women in sci-fi movies. Tim is intrigued.

As he views the collection, Tim tells her that her knits are strong, but finds a coat both “old looking” and “costumey,” and describes something as “Edwardian era meets Wild West.” It’s almost like they give Tim a hat full of descriptions and force him to draw out four and put together a critique using all of them.

Or like Mad Libs! Make your own Tim Gunn Critique: “ (Designer’s Name), I must say I’m (adjective indicating confusion) about this (foreign word) (color) (article of clothing). It manages to be simultaneously (adjective indicating age or youthfulness) and (adjective). It’s like the (Historical Period) era had a head-on collision with the (movie genre). Make it work!”

We then see more of Althea’s collection, including this:


. . .which comes across on a good TV as an absolutely retina searing color. Tim continues to give Althea advice, and at one point someone asks what he just said. And completely unprompted, about four of us reply in unison:

“I don’t know – I can’t hear him because that dress is so fucking loud.”

Anyway. He tells her to “edit, edit, edit,” and the two of them go to a Christmas festooned house and meet with Althea’s family, including her adorably Midwestern and kind of hot boyfriend, Stuart. There are some other friends there, whom the gays describe as “VERY Ohio,” but we also meet her parents. Her mom looks super classy, and her dad, James, is completely cute with some fun glasses and a nice zip cardi.

Ten days left! Tim, from an office where his own bobblehead is sitting behind him on a shelf (Dammit, Lifetime, why are there no pictures of this?) calls Irina. Apparently the lawyers have said she can’t use the Coney Island images on her clothes, because they’re licensed to someone else. Anyway, they discuss some options, and the long and the short of it is that she needs to use her own images or something.

Ten days later. It's five days until their show, and Althea arrives in New York. With a new, straight haircut that makes her face look super puffy, she interviews that she’s excited to be there. Irina arrives in a scarf that looks like it’s trying to eat her face, and says that her head is going to explode. Well, yes, if you squeeze everything out the top with that scarf, it's a definite possibility.

They both arrive at the hotel. Althea rehashes the tension between them in an interview, and they stand around alternating spells of awkward silence and fake friendship. They start repeatedly asking each other – in what I’m sure is a totally natural and not at all producer induced way –where Carol Hannah is. Lifetime busts out the mysterious music to build tension. Commercial.

Back. Tim arrives and says that they’re probably wondering where Carol Hannah is.

He tells them that they shouldn’t expect Carol Hannah today, but she will surely arrive tomorrow. They resolve to hang themselves the next day if Carol Hannah doesn’t arrive.

Ok, that’s not what happens. But wouldn’t it have been awesome?

Anyway, the news is that Carol Hannah has a stomach virus. After what can only seem like a callously timed champagne toast, Irina and Althea talk about how bad they feel for Carol Hannah. Althea then interviews that while getting sick at this point is the worst thing that could happen, “to be honest, everyone kind of wants you [Carol Hannah] gone; it’s a competition.”

SERIOUSLY. But don’t forget, America – Irina’s the evil bitch this season. Don't let the things they're actually saying and doing into fooling you otherwise. Althea is awesome and sweet and wonderful, as you can totally tell by the legions of one person who turns up here to call me a meanie-meanie-beanie-weenie and other totally original things on her behalf every week.

Anyway. Next day. Four days until the runway. They go to the workroom where they see Carol Hannah’s stuff, but no Carol Hannah.

Shortly, there’s a knock. Yay! It’s Carol Hannah! She advises them against hugging her, and interviews that she can sense their disappointment that she’s shown up. She still doesn’t feel well. Irina interviews that she really feels for Carol Hannah.

God, what an evil, evil bitch. Can you believe that fucking Irina, having the audacity to feel for someone? What a cow. Why can’t she be nice, like Althea?

Tim thru! He tells Althea she’s got a lot of work to do, and questions a very Liza looking black sequined jacket she’s made. And it’s not even Liza with a Z Liza looking – it’s Lucille 2 Liza looking.

Tim is very skeptical about her collection’s cohesiveness, pointing to two pieces and saying “this is fashion forward, and this is borderline Hillary Clinton.”

OUCH.

Then we get some more footage of Irina accusing Althea of copying her, because apparently they have a sweater that looks exactly the same but in different colors. Ulch, the hell with both of them.

Carol Hannah is having issues with some pieces, and Tim advises her to simplify. There is some sort of very weird metallic pewter suit looking thing in Carol Hannah’s collection.

Althea interviews that she’s not intimidated by Carol Hannah. Of course not – she wanted her to be so sick that she’d have to drop out of the competition out of the goodness of her heart. What other motive would she have? This is Althea – she poops sunshine and spits the pure sweet air of Ohio.

Irina has re-screened the t-shirts with a list of reasons she loves New York. Carol Hannah interviews that Irina’s collection “is very black.” Tim tells Irina that something in Irina’s collection looks like chaps (my notes look like they read “look like clap” and now I can’t get that out of my head. You wear the chaps, you get the clap). Althea talks about how Irina has about 20 yards of hemming to do. Commercial.

Back. The ladies talk about what kind of models they’re looking for. Irina says “the pretty kind.” This is why I can't stop kind of loving her -- she's one of the few designers this season who's demonstrated any trace of wit or self-awareness.

Anyway, they see a bunch of models. It’s kind of odd this season, because while I know that they hired some of the models who’ve worked previous Project Runways, and some of the America’s Next Top Model girls, they don’t show any of them in the casting for once (at least, not that I recognize off the bat). It’s like Lifetime is that determined not to show any one with a connection to any other network.

Back at the workroom. Nina Garcia and Michael Kors enter, and Carol Hannah interviews “I did not expect them to be here. Not ever.” This is reasonable – they haven’t been on the show for most of the season, so why would anyone expect them to turn up in the workroom four days out?

The two of them offer some advice, since they haven’t been able to advise them or critique their work what with being gone all season. Michael tells them to make sure their collection exemplifies them as designers. Nina says that if it feels like something they’ve seen before, they should just take it out. They also give some advice on order and use of color, and Michael says that self doubt is an important part of the process.

They leave. Irina interviews that she disagrees with Nina about the perils of an all back collection. Don’t disagree with Nina!

With one hour until the end of the day, Carol Hannah breaks a mannequin and hopes her illness doesn’t interfere.

Next day! Fittings! Carol Hannah doesn’t feel great. Tim underscores that the looks their muse models – Lisa, Kaylyn, and Tanisha – will wear are the ones that will be in front of the judges, so they should choose carefully. There’s a fitting flurry and the models leave.

Heidi and Tim enter. Heidi has aged a LOT since the L.A. portion of the season. You can see the lawsuits and the nightmare with Bravo written all over her face. Anyway, they’re there to tell them that there’s an extra special bonus surprise. Which, really, is not at all surprising, since there’s an extra special bonus surprise every season. Commercial.

Back! Heidi gives them the completely unsurprising news that they have one more look to create. Tim tells them that the 13th look must be cohesive, fit with their collection, and that their muse models will cast the model to wear the 13th look. This is clearly to give the models something to do in this episode of Models of the Runway.

In another stunningly predictable move, Logan, Gordana, and Chris enter to help them construct the look. Althea picks Logan and Irina picks Gordana. This leaves Carol Hannah with Christopher. “Oh god, he’s going to start crying now,” says one of the gays.

Sketching! Althea is thinking about a jacket. Gordana says that Irina definitely needs help, but says she’d wear any of the pieces. Christopher says he doesn’t want to make decisions for Carol Hannah, who says she feels like she needs one more “WOW” piece.

They head off to Mood, where they’ll have 30 minutes and $250. Tim says they’re walking to Mood – “we’re using our feet; it’s New York.”

Oh, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, L.A. Tim Gunn just burned you.

Anyway, they shop; they “thank you, Mood!” and they head back to the workroom. With six and a half hours to go, Gordana is wearing some fierce ass boots. Logan drapes pants for Althea. Christopher tells Carol Hannah to “meditate on” her 13th look.

Back at the hotel, Carol Hannah just feels awful. We get to hear her barfing. Delightful. She chalks the return of her bug to all the moving around.

Next time! Messy make up. “It sounds like what Irina was saying.” Carol Hannah feels awful! Bryant Park, bitches! And then we find out the winner of Project I Don’t Mind It, and we can all try to put this season behind us.

Top Chef Vegas: Where The Overdue and Inevitable Finally Happens

Robin’s not your mom
And she’s not Top Chef either
Panna Cotta curse?

So what else can you say about Robin? She’s gone. She probably should’ve been gone awhile ago. She clearly lucked out by having a long string of what I’ve seen called “SSW” or “Someone Sucked Worse” experiences in the bottom 3, and having one extremely well placed immunity that she may or may not have gotten largely by playing the cancer pity card.

I am tickled by the idea of her and Mike I having to hang out in the sequester apartment, though. It’s going to be a long last couple days before the final three or four for the both of them.

On the episode as a whole, I loved the idea of the challenge. I think this is maybe first time they’ve really celebrated Vegas AS Vegas, and not just as the Western outpost where a lot of great chefs have extra restaurants. This one really required them to explore and use the strip rather than just trotting out a bunch of dancing girls or a craps table for visual effects and/or some sort of weird Quickfire twist.

That’s one of the reasons I kind of wish they’d done this challenge earlier. There are SO MANY Casinos they could’ve worked with! So many great ones got the shaft! I mean, admit it: you’re DYING to know what someone would’ve come up with for the Caesar’s Palace dish.

Sigh. I haven’t been to Vegas in 7 years. Maybe it’s time for a return trip (but it’s so much tougher when it involves a cross country flight and actual money and all rather than just hopping in the car with your girls and driving for 6 or 7 hours. . . ).

Anyway. Don’t forget to go to Bravo and vote for Fan Favorite, or to watch Padma on 30 Rock.

Morning! Top Chef, Vegas Luxury Cheftestant Compound. Robin pulls a Glad bag out of the drawer, while Bryan reflects on how much he misses his wife and 22 month old son. Aw. The Voltaggios have pretty babies. Jen interviews that Mike I not being there is a big deal, and she needs to start worrying about herself instead of the others.

Time for the Quickfire! Rather than going to the M, they wind up at the Venetian, which may be my all time favorite cheesy Vegas Hotel. I mean. . .it has a freaking canal.

The chefs go to a kitchen in the bowels of the Venetian, where they stand around until the phone rings.

It’s Padma, of course. Having burnt out on her arduous hosting duties, she’s now giving them the quickfire instructions via the phone, from her bed, while wearing her bathrobe. Damn, I wish I could do my job that way. It’s kind of like she’s Bosley, and they’re the angels. Except there are six of them, and I have reservations about their crime fighting abilities.

The chefs will be making room service for Padma and Nigella Lawson, who are both in white hotel bathrobes and looking pretty damn smoldering. They get to eat breakfast in bed. Lucky em effers. The chefs have 30 minutes and anything they find in the kitchen.

Food flurry! In the first group to cook, Eli is making a Corned Beef Reuben Benedict. . . so if you own the Quickfire cookbook or read my post from Monday, you now know who’s going to win. Robin is frantic and only makes each lady one blintz.

In the second group, Michael is trying to work in Robin’s former station and spends 5 minutes cleaning up the mess she’s left.

Robin serves first , and her breakfast in bed is a Blintz with Goat Cheese, Caramelized Pineapple and Blueberries. Eli then serves his Fried Egg Reuben Benedict with Thousand Island Hollandaise Sauce, which we already know is the winner. Nigella says it would be a great hangover breakfast. I know what I’m eating this weekend!

Back in the kitchen, Kevin is making steak and eggs and Jen has to turn off something of Michael’s because it’s on fire. Michael interviews that nothing is working for him. Robin comes to get some of her stuff – while Michael is still working – and completely gets in his way then gets pissed off that he snaps at her. Ok, I understand that they have a history of arguing and she’s got a burr up her ass about people thinking she shouldn’t be there (she shouldn’t), but as both a big believer in clean-as-you-go cooking and someone who wants to lick Michael Voltaggio’s sternum, I’m completely on his side.

The second group takes their dishes up to Padma and Nigella’s suite. Michael serves a Huevos Cubana with Banana Puree, Rice, Bacon, Arugula Salad with complex instructions. The ladies seem to enjoy it, which Michael finds hilarious given what a wreck his process was. Then Kevin serves a Steak and Eggs with Creme Fraiche, Aged Cheddar, and Green Onion. Oh, that sounds so good. I love Steak and Eggs. He tells them that in the South, they like a hearty breakfast. I love Kevin.

Back in the kitchen, Jennifer and Bryan are prepping. Jen says that she does room service out of her kitchen where she works. She’s doing an army inspired chipped beef on toast, or “shit on a shingle”.

Jennifer serves her S.O.S. Creamed Chipped Beef with Toast and Potatoes (SOS = shit on a shingle). Nigella looks at it curiously because the presentation’s kind of a slop, but seems to enjoy it. Bryan then serves them a 4 Minute Egg with Vanilla Beurre Fondue, crab, Asparagus Spears and Corn Polenta. Ok, crab and vanilla just sounds like a world of wrong to me.

Nigella says that the vanilla threw her off slightly, and it would’ve been a complete star if the vanilla hadn’t been there.

The chefs all head back to the suite where a now fully dressed Padma and Nigella await them.
Nigella’s least favorites were Bryan’s, because she didn’t like the vanilla, and Robin’s, because the blintz didn’t have enough contrast.

Conversely, the top were Kevin’s Steak and Eggs which understood the challenge, and Eli’s Breakfast Reuben because it “slapped the jetlag out of me.” And the winner is. . .(oh, god, the suspense is killing me!!!) . . .Eli! Which we knew from the moment he started cooking. His prize is (ooh! Ooh! I know! I know! Pick me!) that his recipe will go into the Top Chef Quickfire cookbook.

With scarcely a pause, Padma tells them about their Elimination challenge. They’ll be celebrating the Las Vegas Strip by creating a dish inspired by one of the casinos. They draw knives to get their casinos. Bryan gets Mandalay Bay; Eli gets Circus Circus, Michael gets New York New York; Kevin gets the Mirage, Jen gets the Excalibur, and Robin gets the Belagio.

They’ll each have to cook for 175 guests the next night on top of Las Vegas’ World Market Center. They get to spend the rest of the day exploring the town to get inspired. Commercial!

Back! We watch as the chefs go around to the different casinos. Michael wants his New York New York dish to be a tribute to the firefighters of New York. Hm. Slap me for being un-American, but that seems a teeny bit dated if you ask me.

Jen wanders through the Excalibur and watches the Tournament of Kings, which is like Medieval Times, only awesomer because it's not in a mall parking lot. She has no idea what to make, and thinks her brain isn’t working.

At Mandalay Bay, Bryan heads for the shark reef which is AWESOME. Mandalay Bay is one of my favorite non-cheezy casinos. He decides to do a sustainable seafood dish inspired by the sharks and the hotel’s commitment to sustainability. He also buys his son a stuffed shark on his way out, saying “it would be nice to take this home and give it to him”.

You know what else would be nice to take home and give to him, Bryan? $100K. The kid seems bright; he recognized you and called you “Bryan!” on the phone. I’m sure he’d prefer $100K to a stuffed shark.

Robin walks into the Belagio, and falls in love with the Dale Chihuly sculpture overhead. She talks about how she considers herself an artist, and plots something involving gelatin. Eek. I mean, my first thought was some sort of sculptural 1950’s Jell-O dish, but it’s even worse the way she means it – gelatin plus Top Chef has rarely yielded good results.

Kevin pulls up to the Mirage and watches the dolphin show. I can't help wishing he'd gone to the volcano for his inspiration. Or the Tigers. Do they still have the Tigers out, or did they move them once that one attacked Roy? He talks about how everyone assumes he’s a redneck, but he’s committed to slow foods and Georgia Organics. Speaking only for myself, of course, I’ve never assumed Kevin was a redneck. A tree dwelling woodland creature, yes. Some sort of giant left to guard the faeries in their mushroom kingdom, definitely. But not a redneck.

At Circus Circus, perhaps the greatest tacky casino ever, Eli tries to think of how to bring in the aesthetics of the place as well as the concept of the Circus.

Back at the compound, they all kind of mock Eli for not being inspired by Circus Circus. Kevin says “the way he describes it, it’s like you’re standing in an art gallery looking at a really sad velvet painting.” Oh my God, a Velvet Eli!

It’s like a Velvet Elvis, only slightly less marketable.

Robin talks about how she’s pushing herself on this challenge because she doesn’t want to go home. Not to be a broken record but: shut up. No one WANTS to go home. That doesn’t make you at all special. Commercial.

Back. Morning at the compound. Robin sits outdoors and reflects while the boys wake up. Kevin is HEAVILY TATTOOED. That’s somewhat unexpected, for some reason. Eli interviews that “6 is a milestone.”

We get a quick flash of Whole Foods, but no shopping trip. The Chefs have 3.5 hours to cook, and they start by unloading their mysterious Whole Foods bags full of food that we didn’t see them buying for an undisclosed amount of money. Way to go on that one, editors.

Food flurry. Michael hopes winning would get him a step closer to the goal of owning his own restaurant. Robin is making a panna cotta, which is new for her. Ooooghh. . . .panna cotta is pretty much jinxed for Top Chef, and Robin is pretty much jinxed for doing new shit.

Jen asks Michael to be her Prince Charming. Yes, please. You would have extremely pretty babies. Her dish is inspired by the sword and the stone, and involves steak and red wine. Nom. Someone’s making goddamned beets again. Stop with the fucking beets, you motherfuckers—this is one of my favorite shows, and I itch every week just watching it. Eli is really getting into it and using peanuts and popcorn in his Circus Circus dish.

Bryan woodenly interviews about his sustainable fish dish, and reflects on how he can’t seem to win a quickfire, though he’s won three eliminations.

Eli interviews that Robin has often been “the lesser of two evils” and hopes her luck will run out this time. They Glad Wrap up their carts and head out to the party site, the World Market Center.

Eli calls the building a “massive sort of George Orwellian 1982 type place” and talks about how it overlooks the old and new strips. They work on preparing their stations. Michael is frying a shitload of chicken wings. Robin talks about how her sugar "glass" didn’t set and she can’t use it, but she still loves her dish. And suddenly all 175 of the diners arrive at once.

Kevin jokes that because he had the Mirage, he thought about putting up a picture of his dish and filling his bowls with sand, but he didn’t think that would win.
It’s just that simple.

The judges approach Jennifer. However, there’s nothing on her table. She preps her Sword in the Stone inspired NY Strip with Red Wine Reduction, Beets, Truffles, Herbs for them while she talks. Ooh, she has the goddamn beets. Dammit, Jen! Nigella thinks she needs Excalibur to cut it, and then jokes that the steak is the stone. Oh dear.

Next they go to Kevin and get his Mirage inspired Wild Alaskan Sockeye Salmon with Napa Cabbage and Cucumber. He says to eat the fish with the salad, and then kind of shoot the broth as a cleanser. Nigella says it’s delicious, and Toby says it has a kind of Thai flavor. Tom likes the tomato water.

Next up is Michael’s New York, New York Boneless Chicken Wing Confit with Curry and Blue Cheese Disc. Ok, among the things I don’t like: Chicken Wings. Bleu Cheese. But that still looks really good. Nigella loves the crisp skin, and Padma loves the cold dollop of bleu cheese dressing. Toby liked the temperature contrast, but didn’t love the flavor.

Robin explains her Bellagio inspired Panna Cotta (that’s it, Bravo? Really? That’s the whole description?), and shows them her failed sugar. Oh, poppet. Do not send them off to eat knowing that you failed. Nigella likes the smell, but thinks there’s too much gelatin. Toby says that the panna cotta is way too solid. Padma says that it worked in terms of inspiration, and Nigella says that the “glass” looked good, but Tom points out that she didn’t serve it.

Next they go for Bryan’s Escabeche of Halibut with Bouillabaisse Consomme, Parsley Coulis, and Garlic Chips inspired by Mandalay Bay. Padma expected the “parsley fluid gel” to be disgusting, but it’s actually quite nice. Toby says it tastes like a really professional dish.

Finally, they get to Eli’s Caramel Apple Peanut Soup with Popcorn Raspberry Froth. Oh, god, I didn’t catch the complete description last night, and now I’m REALLY glad I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. The raspberry froth represents the pink dome behind the hotel. Nigella says she’s frightened of the dish and isn’t going to try it first. Padma says she doesn’t like it at all. Nigella agrees that the texture didn’t work. Toby admires Eli’s willingness to go all in, but says that “like most people who come to Vegas, he has gambled and he has lost.” Commercial!

Back! Fake back. Eli pops champagne and Robin tells him“try not to hurt anyone this time.” Eli retorts that he didn’t hurt anyone last time, and Kevin reflects on how the momentum keeps changing at this point in the competition. Jen says “I love you guys.” Lamest fake back ever.

Back! Stew Room. Kevin asks how everyone’s stuff came out, and no one answers. Padma calls back Kevin and the Voltaggios.

They have the three favorite dishes. Tom tells Kevin that the texture of the salmon was great and the vegetables were bright and flavorful. Toby compliments the broth.

Nigella loved the garlic chips in Bryan’s dish, and found it “quiet and elegant.” Aw, it’s kind of like the dish is a metonym for Bryan himself.

Tom tells Michael that he reworked chicken wings into something better, and Toby tells him that “the thing I really liked about your dish is that it seemed to be perfectly expressive of the kind of thing that you do. Your food is very delicate and sometimes quite effeminate.”
. .. . . ? . . . .

Ok, anyway, that’s meant to be a compliment, and Nigella gives him the win for his girly chicken wings, licking her lips slightly as she does so. If Michael doesn’t win the $100K, he can sue Bravo, Magical Elves, and Nigella Lawson for sexual harassment. He gets a freaking giant bottle of wine and a 2 day 3 night trip to the vineyard in Napa valley.

They’re asked to send back the others. Robin tells them to write her name up [on the loser board] now.

Padma tells them they had the least successful dishes, and asked if Jennifer is surprised to be there. Jennifer says she didn’t have a clear vision of what she was doing, and thinks that came through. Tom gives her kind of an out by saying she didn’t know much about Medieval cooking, but Nigella and Toby both call her out on the texture issues with the beef. Then Toby makes his most groanworthy comment of the season: “it was more Spamalot than Camelot.” Oh, Jesus. Just when I’d gotten to like Toby, the old trying too hard “weapons of mass destruction” version comes back.

Moving to Robin, she talks about her inspiration and the problems with her execution on the sugar. Nigella informs her that a panna cotta “when you put a spoon in it should have a quiver of a 17th century Courtesan’s inner thigh.” Ok, now I’m blushing. Robin can ALSO sue Bravo, Magical Elves, and Nigella for sexual harassment if she doesn’t win, which (spoiler alert!) she doesn’t. I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than Jay Rayner's panna cotta boob comment from Top Chef Masters. I mean, I guess it's classier. . .but it's also just awfully specific. Anyway Robin says she’s envious of and inspired by the other chefs’ tricks and knowledge.

Nigella tells Eli that there was too much clashing going on, and Tom tells him his “pink dome” tribute got lost and the textural issues with the soup ruined the dish. Eli says that he thought ‘conceptually I was pretty close to the mark,” and Tom cuts him off with “but the dish was a failure.” BOOM. I like Eli, usually, but after the crapfest of judging on Project Runway, it’s always nice to see Top Chef’s judging – there's very little nonsense, it still has teeth, and it’s also still concerned with giving legitimate criticism instead of picking on the people they don’t like and promoting the ones they like even when they do visibly lousy work.

Padma continues by telling him that she really didn’t like the flavors, and would never want to eat that again.

They send the chefs back to the stew room. Robin cries. Eli fidgets. Jen looks stoic.

Padma points out that all the dishes had major problems. Toby found Jennifer’s sauce disappointing, and Nigella says it was "almost hostile.” Tom points out that she’s really fallen in this competition after a strong start. In the stew, Jennifer says that she’s ready to go. Nooooo! Don’t give up, Jen!!!

Toby thinks Robin’s vision is her problem, and that she tries things that are technically beyond her. Padma adds that the flavor was nonexistent. In the stew, Robin says she doesn’t know how to play things safe and is trying to live up to the rest of them.

Nigella says that “Eli’s. . .wasn’t a dish, it was a fiasco,” and compares it to sawdust. Well . . .at least that’s appropriate for the Circus theme? Toby says it looked unappetizing, and Nigella says it took every ounce of her not inconsiderable breeding not to spit it back into the cup. Kevin reassures Eli that that’s a dish that you conceive and then you have to make and remake before you get it right. Commercial!

Back! Tom reminds them of what the challenge was, and how many challenges they’ve gone through, and how it’s time to separate those who are merely talented from the real Top Chefs.

He lets them know that Eli’s dish was only circuslike in that it was a mess; Jen had a boring dish and a story to match; and Robin’s dish didn’t show her inspiration at all.

Padma tells Robin to pack her knives and go. And a great sense of relief and happiness swept over the land; and there was much rejoicing in the Magical Mushroom Kingdom.

She interviews that she came really close, and is happy that she made it this far, and should have stuck to her guns and done her homestyle cooking instead of trying to impress people with shit she didn’t know how to do yet. Everyone hugs her and Jen walks her to the door with her arm around her. Because this is Robin, I’m not entirely clear about whether this is meant to comfort her or to make sure that she actually leaves.

Next: Chefs train for years for this, we’re doing it tomorrow! The food Kevin cooks is the food I cook on my day off! Thomas Keller!

If this isn't what our Veterans fought for, I don't know what is.

At my gym this morning, you might have seen a number of odd things.

You might have seen a Japanese woman lying on the sofa in the ladies' room repeatedly punch herself in the thigh.

You might have seen an older man with some considerable man boobs lifting crazy amounts of weights in the weight area, putting all the young gym gays to shame.

You might have seen me jumping up and down swearing like Rumpelstiltskin after running my stockings first things in the morning.

And, if you were behind me on the treadmills, watching Snapped reruns on Oxygen with the sound turned off (I've seen them all so many times that it's fun to add my own narration), you might have seen this. Twice.



I love this for so many, many reasons. Not least among them:

1) Snuggie dog, reading a book. About his own breed, no less. Would a bichon frise really want to read a book about bichon frises?

2) Everyone raising the roof, repeatedly, because they're so goddamned excited about their Snuggies.

3) Snuggie Dad, who is soooooo clearly convinced that he's going to get some later in the evening that he can't contain his excitement. He's totally looking to bust out his newest Snuggie Sutra moves and give Snuggie Mom some lovin' she'll never forget.